That is the only picture I've taken today. Do you think my house needs pressure washing?
Of course you do because it absolutely does.
Today has been weird. I told my husband last night that I would go to a funeral with him today for the wife of a man who owns and runs an auto repair business here in Lloyd which of course is one of the few businesses here. One of Mr. Moon's good friends works there and he's been a sort-of friend of the owner for a long time. But when I woke up this morning I just saw no reason for me to go. I'm sure it's going to be quite Christian, I am not a friend of the husband's and I never met his wife in my life. Nor has Mr. Moon but that's a different story because of his connections with the family and business.
And perhaps still fueled a little bit from this past weekend, I just spoke right up and said, "I don't believe I'll be going to that funeral."
"Okay," Glen said. I don't think he was upset.
Turns out the funeral is tomorrow anyway but I'm still not going. If I went, it would be in support of my husband but I know how it will affect me to attend a service which will no doubt have at least a little mention of Jesus and his magical powers of salvation. This sort of service is a comfort to believers but it will only roil my stomach acid.
I just don't have the patience.
No. I am not being grace-full. Or graceful, either one.
If there is one thing I came away with from the weekend, it is that this is MY life. The only one I have and it ain't gonna last forever. And most likely I'm not going to change my ways very much but I am going to be less inclined to say "yes" to things I'd rather not. I've already been that way for quite awhile but I feel that I might become even more so. And hopefully, just hopefully, maybe I'll say yes to some things that I would not have considered before.
We shall see.
So I ended up going to town to shop at Publix where Lily was working and as she got off work just as I was finishing up we went to lunch together at a very fine farm-to-table restaurant just a bit up the street. It was good to be with her. We caught up some and I probably bored her to tears with tales from my adventure. But she graciously listened.
I came home and unloaded the groceries and started a pot of gumbo. I made up the dough for a loaf of sourdough this morning and as we speak, the gumbo is simmering, the oven is preheating.
All is well, all is normal and fine and yet...I have a deep sense of what almost feels like anxiety. Like the separating of my friends and me has caused some sort of bone-deep shearing of parts of a whole.
I don't know. I'm awfully dramatic and I know that. That is something that will probably never change. But our time together did not involve husbands or children or grandchildren. Oh! We talked about all of those things. A lot. But it was all the discussion of our beloveds from our own hearts. And because we knew each other before the husbands and children and grandchildren came into our lives, we were able to somehow reconnect with the parts of ourselves that were there before these deep relationships. Well, except for me. I had two children already when they met me. Still.
As I said this weekend and as I always say, if the unexamined life is not worth living, my life is definitely infinitely worth living.
I am not sure about a lot of things but I will tell you this- I know how incredibly fortunate I am in the friends I have. That may go without saying but I wanted to say it anyway.
So. I am sure that I will adjust to my own life as it is soon enough. I will soften back into it. And even as I write all of this, I know that I have the life I have wanted. That I never even dreamed was possible. I mean- let's face it. I certainly never dreamed of having chickens and such a good-looking rooster as Liberace. Or a husband as good and dear and fine as the one I have. Or my amazing children who are all so different and so loving. Or five grandchildren, each one living in velvet-lined chambers of my heart that I did not even know existed.
Time to go stir the gumbo and put the bread in the oven. It has not quite risen to what I believe is it's full potential but can't we all say that about ourselves too? It will still be good.
And we are too.
Yes to doing what you want snd not routinely following other people's wished. Good for you, Miz Moon. And for loving what you have.ReplyDelete
Well, I'm only on day three or whatever. We shall see how this best-plan goes.Delete
you had an *adjustment* with your friends.....a re-assessment of what is important, and what is not. Liberace? good. Funeral? NOT! Gumbo, bread, loving family......YES. We are reminded (if we are lucky) of these things every now and then.....ReplyDelete
rising to potential- I have risen way too much and you know what happens then!!! There I am all full of air- potential well and truly surpassed, straight to gaseous falderal. The photo of the poultry is stunning- a show stopper for sure.ReplyDelete
Welcome to the "I do what I want- life is short" club! I can not even guess how many times in the day I say "no, thank you".
also anything jesusy gives me the williesDelete
You are an inspiration!Delete
Have our minds been connecting across space? Right there with you on religion, bread, friends, saying no, feeling dramatic, being who I am. A-women!ReplyDelete
Perhaps it is all in the Zeitgeist!Delete
Liberace is gorgeous, isn't he? Saying no? You go girl. After the most hectic weekend running around with my daughter and grandson looking at schools of higher learning in the most gawdawful weather-rain, wind, cold etc, after getting them off to the airport (sniffle), one of my partners called and asked if I'd go to a birth and I said----wait for it!---NO. Just like that. Nope, Nada, won't do it. I was wiped out and there are younger midwives out there that can go catch a baby in the middle of the night. And recover quicker than I. Doesn't mean I'll never go to a birth again, just not last night. So I support you 1000 %.ReplyDelete
Hurray for you! And I support you! We have earned the right to say "no."Delete
I've never understood the point of funerals, to be honest. When my dad died we didn't even have one. (He didn't want one.) I doubt we'll have one for my mom, and I don't want one either. We're just not funeral people, I guess.ReplyDelete
As you said, the only reason for you to go would be to accompany Mr Moon, and if he's fine with you skipping it, then why not?
You're still dealing with post-vacation (and post-reunion) emotions. Things will feel more settled soon enough.
As you may recall, we didn't give my mother a funeral and I know she would have been royally pissed. She loved her church. Not so much the whole Jesus thing but the music and her minister.Delete
I am definitely still dealing with post-reunion emotions.
I think you're absolutely right about that funeral. Of course one should show respect but to attend a funeral of someone you don't know - well I don't think your absence will be missed, in truth, will it (I mean that kindly, by the way)! My ex was very much about appearances and since I'm not religious it would do my head in to "put in appearance" when nobody really gave a damn!ReplyDelete
I know that my husband went because he is a good person and wanted to show respect to the husband. And I respect that. But...really, as you say- my absence was probably not missed in the least.Delete
I thought you were going to break into Bon Jovi's "It's my life"! The death of anyone always reminds us how short life can be and it is great to be reminded. Why waste time doing things we do not want or that make us feel bad. We lift ourselves and those around us by living joyfully. Peace to you Ms. Mary Moon!ReplyDelete
And peace to you, Ellen! Thank you.Delete
You wrote... 'I am going to be less inclined to say "yes" to things I'd rather not..'ReplyDelete
Well said, I think.
Something I have learned recently is that... I am going to be less inclined to put myself in the way of PEOPLE I'd rather not.
Too much of my time and energy has been spent in trying to hold relationships out of duty, or family or whatever - when the result is rudeness, pressure, anxiety, unpleasantness...
So I have resolved to be polite - indeed, unfailingly so - but thereafter to have nothing to do with those people who otherwise diminish my life.
You are SO right about the people. I've never understood the need to be surrounded by people all the time, to interact with them- people that truly are not OUR people. What is the point? I think you are very wise in your resolution.Delete
Yeah, I don't go to funerals, can't stand the religion stuff either, especially of people I don't know. I can barely sit through the short Jesus prayer Abby says at the end of yoga class. It dumbfounds me that these women still believe that stuff, that any grown woman by the time she reaches her 30s or 40s still believes that stuff. And I have no problem saying no to things I don't want to do or go to. Wasn't always that way. Women are especially susceptible to doings things they don't want to do because it may please someone else. Which is OK now and then. I think being able to say no without guilt is part of our increasing power as we age.ReplyDelete
Re-entry sometimes takes a while. It took me well over a week to re-enter after an incredible river trip for 10 days in wilderness on a gorgeous river through gorgeous canyons where once you enter the canyon there is no way out until you get to the end and if you did try you would have to walk for untold miles through almost desert with no water or shelter before finally getting to some sort of civilization. I couldn't even stand to be indoors for the first three or four days.
Remember when my yoga teacher played Christian soft rock during yoga? My neighbor said, "This music isn't working for me, Linda." She was brave.Delete
I believe you are right that the ability to say "no" is definitely part of our power that women do not take advantage of enough. It's insane how much shit women do that we don't want to because we "should."
I can honestly understand how you felt when you came back from a trip like that. You were truly in a different world on that river. You can't just step back into your old world without some major shock happening.
I totally agree about saying no more. I know what you mean by being incredibly fortunate with friendships, I count myself as very lucky in that area as well. Liberace is looking fabulously flamboyant, what a great name for him!ReplyDelete
Friends and family are our true riches.Delete
Amen and hallelujah!
Liberace is a looker!
I cant recall who it was who said women give each other back to themselves. It might have been Maya. It sounds as if your friends this weekend did just that for you, and your for them. This is such grace. Hugs.ReplyDelete