Phew. Wow. It's over.
Really.
Not really. Because the melancholy madness of Christmas which always descends on me after the presents are opened and the older kids leave to go to their various second stops for the day hit me so hard this year that I'm still reeling.
I spent yesterday cleaning my kitchen as therapy, I suppose, although it needed a good cleaning. I went from the top of the refrigerator to the cabinet under the sink. I took the aprons that I hang on the walls as decorations down, washed and starched and ironed them and hung them back up. I wiped down shelves and I mopped the floor. I threw out stuff.
I tried to clean my soul of despair.
Didn't work so well but my kitchen is clean.
My husband has suggested that we go out of town today and I think we're going. This, of course, has me twisted even more tightly because of my recent development of what I can only assume is a form of agoraphobia, although it's not necessarily the marketplace I am afraid of- I do quite well in Publix, thank you, and can even handle the mall for short periods of time, once or twice a year.
It's the idea of packing my things and loading the car and leaving my home behind that gets me. We really don't know where we're going. We have the vague promise of a house somewhere near Sarasota on an island and I don't know a thing about the area in general or the house in specific and I'm freaking out, albeit quietly.
I know I need to get away. I need to leave my worries about children and friends behind and just....go.
But first I have to pack and I don't have the slightest idea what to take (do I need towels and sheets?) and I look back on times before in my life when I'd do something like this and it was just a fun adventure and not a grim exercise in trying to stretch my horizons a little. Like my friend Lynn who lost her ability to cook and clean and make a bed and decorate her Christmas tree and type and talk, I find myself wondering when did I forget how to do this?
It shouldn't be scary to get in a car and go wandering down the state of Florida for a little fun time.
Should it?
That's the trouble with depression (because let's call this what it is)- nothing sounds like fun and everything seems overwhelming. I know I have a strong tendency towards depression and nothing can set off a good bout of it like Christmas.
Besides all the emotional baggage that gets unpacked every year with the lights and ornaments, I cease doing the things that keep me somewhat stable. I don't exercise as much, I certainly don't eat well, and I'm thrust into a situation that requires me to do a lot of things I don't enjoy and don't really believe in.
It all adds up to a good old-fashioned melancholy that I believe a lot of people must feel this time of year. The kind that paralyzes you.
I kept waking up last night thinking that I really can't go on this trip. I need to go visit a friend on the east coast who has a new grandson whom I haven't seen yet. I need to help my daughter find and buy a laptop. I need to take the dogs to the groomers. I need to go see Lynn. I need to....
I need to get out of my little world of worry and fear and try to relax and remember why it is that I married my husband and see if he can remember why he married me.
When did I forget how to do this? When did I last smile like I did in that picture?
And will I ever do it again?
The holidays suck!!! New Years sucks even more than Christmas, so much hype about an arbitrary point in time. If we have to divide one year from another, we should do it at sunrise on the solstice (either one), not at midnight on a random night. It's easy to sink into depression this time of year. Try to enjoy the trip. I'd pack sheets and towels, pillows too.
ReplyDeleteI'm just hoping we don't end up in some random motel off the interstate.
ReplyDeleteI have come to think that any holiday that is supposed to be "joyful" is just way too much stress for me.
But you're right- if we celebrated or at least acknowledged something REAL, like the solstice- all would be easier.
I hope you are smiling right now wherever you are... maybe the beaches of sarasota will be good to you
ReplyDeleteI love how you write
ReplyDeleteWell, we are mutual fans then.
ReplyDeleteOh I do hope that you get this message. Since I am a new follower I am trying to catch up on a your blog from the first and work up a bit every day.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry to hear of your depression as I have and I suspect so many others do as well suffer from it and anxiety.
I was having a hard time. 2012 was indeed terrible. I was in a very toxic relationship that I knew had to end. He was manipulative and I was vulnerable with vascular issues and had to have major surgery.
My daughter spent 14 days with me in the hospital as they cleaned as many parts of my body of blockages. She brought me back to Texas to heal and that was a crazy ordeal as she and her boyfriend fought daily and even tho she said it wasn't because I was there, I know it was.
Then my relationship ended because she never intended to take me back to Arkansas where I was living at the time. He was arrested for a horrible thing. (Indecency with a child)…. I had believed him for 10 years but found out it was all true.
I am glad that the relationship is over and he is in jail.
But there was so much that happened and I was so very depressed. At one point I decided to end it. End it all.
Thankfully my son walked in at the right time. I realized I did not want to end it. I checked myself into a hospital and I do not regret it. The doctors and therapist were awesome.
I had a reaction with a medication conflicting with another medication that caused me to have suicidal thoughts. Once my blood work came back and we eliminated the medication I got better but I am thankful that I chose help.
I am not suggesting that for you. I just wanted to you to know that I hear you and that I understand.
Keep wring Ms.Moon. It is a very wonderful therapy that only costs a little time... Big Hugs... Beth Reed