Sunday, March 19, 2023

Mixed Emotions

Any idea what you're looking at there? 
It's a red ant nest and I discovered it (and another bigger one) when I was weeding the area around the north side of the garden fence where I want to plant cucumbers. Those little rice-grain looking things are actually eggs and although I'm not sure you can see them, there are many, many ants scurrying about, trying to repair the damage I've done with my trowel, trying to protect the eggs. I was wearing gloves in the garden today to protect a sore thumb and I am glad I was. I'm also glad I saw the ants immediately and in time to back away. The little fuckers bite fiercely and their bites lead to a tiny pus-filled blister. 
More fun in Florida!

I have done almost nothing today. Again. I made us a huge Sunday morning breakfast. That I did. Here is one of the lovely sourdough biscuits I made for us. 

When I make sourdough biscuits, which is rarely, I think of Gus McCrae in "Lonesome Dove" who rose early every morning to watch the sunrise and make the day's sourdough biscuits. Gus is one of my favorite characters in literature, and when they cast the TV miniseries based on the book, I do believe the perfect person was chosen to play him. Robert Duvall. I fell in love with Duvall when I saw him in "Tender Mercies" which is as fine a film as I'd ever want to see. 
At least in my opinion which is meaningless but there you have it. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking in the past few days about a time in my very young life that was so fraught with terror and sorrow and fear and confusion that I'm not sure how a ten-year old girl managed to handle it. And I just wrote some paragraphs about that time but as happens sometimes, one just knows that it is best to delete. 
I wonder if I should write all of this out in book form. Not with an eye to publishing but just to get it all out in one place. To try and do at least a small bit of the untangling of it all. There is no end to it, and that I am sure of. Anyone who claims to have completely healed from any sort of childhood trauma is either lying or in complete denial. The very paths we choose to get to where we are are, are based on what happened to us. This of course is true of everyone. But some paths are steeper and more lined with snakes than others. 

Eh, Sunday. What are you going to do? Sometimes they are fine and sparkly, sometimes they are dank and dark. You get through them. 

Tomorrow August and Levon are coming here while Mama and Daddy are at work. We will play and they will beg me to watch TV and there will be peanut butter, raisin, and honey sandwiches. I will give them their new books. Perhaps we will have a game or two of Monopoly. And then I will take them to gymnastics. It will be a full day and I will not have time or brain space to wallow in or even ponder the past so much.  
But it will still be here with me. It always is. Not unlike an ant bed, barely covered with garden soil. 

Sorry not to be more joyful today, or even a little bit cheerful. I really do not feel that bad. Just...thinking. 
I know how fucking lucky I am. 

And here's a picture of one of the beginning blooms of my wild azalea which is so precious to me. 

There is always something to look forward to. 

Be well. 

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Trauma leaves a residue. Love you Mary. XOR

  2. You don't sound dreary and cheerless, just reflective, and that is *dealing* as best as any of us can. Your biscuits look perfect and fluffy! Gray, rainy and dreary day here (cool too).....we are on a TCM binge....watching *How the West was Won*.......and now watching *Vertigo*, while the corned beef and it's veggies are simmering away.......... pretty reflective day here too all around. Enjoy your boys tomorrow!
    Susan M

    1. oh yes....the PS. Fire ants.... my most successful method of eliminating a nest is to pour boiling water into it.......... may need 2-3 applications over a day or two...but it works better than DE for me!
      Susan M

  3. I’m a ‘ponderer’ too.. and I’d really like to write it all down! I think we’d all feel better if we did. About ants, everyone says they’re good for the garden, but I don’t really care for coming across them when I’m digging for planting! One time I spritzed peppermint water on them, and they were gone in a flash! They weren’t red ants though, so I’ve since just worked around them… Enjoy your grands tomorrow, you’re so lucky to have them! 🤗Xo, Rigmor

  4. I had a friend who was a Buddhist. She had ants that made themselves at home in her kitchen. She used Buddha magic to convince the ants to go elsewhere. And they did. I, on the other hand, would remove them all with my shovel and toss them over to the church neighbors.

  5. You have red ants and we have white snow, so I suppose this country evens out one way or another. Especially if the orange man is arrested tomorrow. He can walk after that. Actually, no, he can't. But just having some justice dealt to the great family of Trump will be fine, fine, fine.

  6. I think I'll stay in Australia. It's safer here!
    I think you should write stuff down. Not for general release but to clear your head and place things in their correct position.
    Enjoy the kidlets. It is hard to be melancholy and reflective with youngsters around.

  7. I knew immediately what those little rice grain looking things are. I find them all the time. You do not need to apologise for your mood.

  8. Florida is certainly full of all kinds of life. We have large ants, medium ants which get on the kitchen counter and tiny ones which bite but not very effectively. That's it for our ant picture. Undramatic. None of these fire eating ones.

    You sound thoughtful today. Yes, why not write it down then you may not need to rerun it.

  9. You know, I have never thought to write things down, because it almost feels like, if I do, it is permanent. I don't want it to be permanent. I know it makes no sense, but there you go.

  10. I'm still trying to discover my trauma. I know it's there though. I mix icing sugar and borax. The little devils love it.

  11. If you could stand to do it I think it would be a good thing to get it all down on paper - empty your head out a little, so to speak. Not for publication of course, but for you!

  12. I see the grain of rice eggs and the shiny black heads and abdomens of the ants too, I also see what appears to be a tiny blue ring with a heart on it. Something Maggie may have once lost? Is there a way to move the nest? Or will the ants do that themselves now that you have disturbed it?
    I hope you get to plant your things.
    Some of my memories are buried under layers of denial and no one will ever know about them. You could write down all of yours, get them off your chest so to speak, and then perhaps have a little bonfire ceremony and burn them.

  13. Oh...for the ants? Diatomaceous earth. Works a treat and is completely nontoxic. Buy it at tractor supply where it is sold as a cattle dewormer. Or you can buy it at any pool supply store. If you put a ring of it around your house foundation before a rain, it will keep the ants out of the house.

  14. Those ants can teach us a thing or two can't they? When their world is disrupted by human activity, they just get to it, repairing the damage, starting over, working together, moving the eggs. As far as we know there's no communication between them. Instinctively, they just get to it. Lazy, tired or awkward ants don't dig their heels in and refuse to do their bit. Harmony in ant society is everything.

  15. I know you will have a fun day with your boys today! You have surrounded yourself with such a loving family.

  16. I'm missed so much not coming here in the last couple of weeks -- I mean you know why, but I've missed it. Your soothing, wise words. Your humor. Your grandchildren, the gardening, the food, all of it.

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  19. Dearest Mary-Ah, trauma. It's woven into our lives. I like to think it makes me more compassionate with others. I know and see their pain. It makes me want to never leave the house again. It makes me go out and face the beautiful terrible day with as much love as I can muster. Write it all down, sister. It helps the rest of us to be braver.

    There's a pink-faced finch on the bare elderberry tree outside my bedroom window. Sweet little bird.


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