The Bible Tells Me So

Religion has been raising its head again and making me think about how I really don't have much tolerance for Christians who are only trying to save my soul, trying to prevent me from having to spend eternity in the burning pits of hell.

It's so acceptable for people to expect you to welcome this shit, too.

And it's awkward when this happens because I do have manners. I don't go through life trying to piss people off.

When we were in the Tallahassee airport to leave for Cozumel, one of Mr. Moon's bags set off some sort of alarm. The nice woman who had to search it explained that it was probably his shaving cream which had caused the problem. But she had to take these special little papers and swipe the entire bag and its contents and then pass them through a machine which would read the papers and tell her if there were dangerous substances in there.

My anxiety level was already a bit on the red side of the gauge and as we stood there, the woman swiping and rifling through the bag, I told the woman- for some reason (I'm crazy?) that traveling always makes me anxious.

I wasn't really talking about plane crashes. I don't worry about that so much.
But anyway, the woman says, "Honey, don't you believe in God?"
Well what are you supposed to say to that?
"No?"

Meanwhile, she has the power to call over the dogs, to have me strip searched and to put cameras up my butt as far as I know, all of which could cause me to miss my plane which was taking me to paradise.

What the fuck?

I mumbled something about "in my own way," and let it go at that. Meanwhile thinking to myself that yeah, god never, ever lets bad things happen if you believe in him. Haha!

Then last week I was talking to a woman who had, at one time, planned on becoming a nun and working with the Lakota Sioux. She told me that she just loved the Lakota religion and the way the Catholic church had incorporated elements of the Lakota religion into the Catholic religion to make it easier for the Sioux to accept.
"But then it wasn't the Sioux religion any more, was it?"
"Well. No. Not really."
"But if you think that the Lakota religion is so beautiful then why did they have to go and try and replace it with something else?"
"Because as Christians, we believe everyone should know and accept Jesus."
The Bible told her so.

And then last night I had a chat with the guy who cuts our grass who is a very nice man whom I respect. He's a good father and he works hard to support his family and occasionally we'll chat about gardens or chickens or babies who won't sleep at night. Last night, for some reason, he started in on it being the "end times," and as an example he cited gay marriage as being one of the sure signs of the abominations which definitely mean that Christ is coming back and SOON!

Okay. I had to say something.

"Well, I'm on the other side of the fence from you on there," I said, the mosquitoes flocking around my feet and drinking deeply of my blood. "I know lots of gay people and the ones I know have the best and most loving hearts in the world and I think they have the right to get married."

He looked at me like maybe I WAS Satan.

"Besides," I said, "I don't think Christ said one word about homosexuality being an abomination."

"His father did," the man said, "And that's all you need to know."

And then of course I had to get into my Leviticus speech about how in the same chapters there are strict rules about eating oysters and pigs, too, but we don't honor those laws.

"Well, it was the times," he said.

"Well maybe it was the times about that abomination thing, too," I said. "There's nothing in that verse that says, "Now THIS law is the one that has to be followed forever and ever but you can forget about that pork thing. Go ahead, eat all the pig you want. And shrimp and oysters, too because the meat of those creatures is really tasty and I, being a loving god, want you to enjoy yourself. Unless by enjoying yourself you mean being in love with a person of the same sex. That's wrong. But barbecue and oyster roasts? Where's the harm in that, my beloved little flock?"

Then he brought up Lot and Sodom and Gomorrah. I love it when Christians bring up Sodom and Gomorrah and Lot because Lot was a sorry son of a bitch in my book, offering the crowds his virgin daughters to rape instead of giving up the angels in his house, getting drunk on his ass and having sex with those very same daughters. Etc.

"That," I said, "Was a holy, good man in god's opinion? Then I don't buy it."

I think this guy was surprised that I know a little bit of the Bible. He studies the Bible daily. And when I brought up the vast number of inconsistencies in that book, he said that you have to read it "in the proper spirit."

Well, fuck that. Obviously I do not have the proper spirit.

I don't know. This stuff just makes me pissed off. And I'm sure that that man went away feeling certain I'm a sinner and bound to roast on the holy pit of Satan for all eternity and that's that- he did his job and tried to bring me to the Lord but you can't grow a tree on salted dry earth, etc. etc. Especially since when he left I was sitting out in my chicken coop with a martini, feeding my chickens by hand.

Hey. It was Friday night in Lloyd.

But what GIVES these people the right to try and shove Christianity down my throat? Oh yeah, the Bible.

I bet you anything that ninety percent of those people yelling at the town hall meetings about health care would call themselves Christians. These people truly believe that if there's a public option, run by the government offered in those bills that it's going to signal the complete and utter decent into socialism by the United States of America. And you know why they can believe this trash that their gods Limbaugh and Beck are feeding them? Because if you've been brainwashed enough to believe that the Bible is the word of god then you'll believe anything.
That's what I think. Why think for yourself if god and preachers can do it for you? Why bother to have a real thought in your head when Rush and Glenn are so full of them that they can't stop spouting them over the airwaves?

But who am I to doubt the Bible? Maybe I'm wrong and going to hell. Boy, I'll be sorry when I die and find out that I really did have to believe that Jesus died for my sins to get into heaven.
"Sorry," God will say, shaking his mighty white-bearded head. "You should have listened." And Jesus will weep because I was a lamb that got away and all those righteous people in the background will be shaking with suppressed laughter and pointing their fingers and they'll all start chanting, "Down you go, straight to hell."

Stranger things have happened, I suppose.

And I'm just a crazy old white woman who seems to be having more and more of a problem leaving her yard who thinks too much.

Oh well and so be it and thus it is written.

At least as it is written in the blog of Ms. Moon from the Mother Church of the Batshit Crazy.

At least I admit I'm insane.

And wait! Wait! Here's a quote from our local paper today from the religion (excuse me, FAITH) section. It's from a guy who got saved in prison and now lives a life of singing for the Lord.
He said, "If I had not gone to prison, I would either be dead or still locked up." Italics are mine.

I couldn't have said it better myself.