Monday, March 13, 2017

What A Whiner!

It's been rainy here all day, mostly drizzling, a steady drumbeat, and getting chillier. It may freeze Wednesday night and well, that's why we aren't supposed to plant our tomatoes and tender squashes and beans before the pecans begin to leaf but this year so many of us have been tempted to go ahead and just do it anyway. I'm grateful that I only have three tomatoes in the ground and that my cucumbers, squash, and beans probably won't even be up yet by Wednesday. The potatoes and peas and greens and onions and shallots will all be fine and why some plants are frost proof and some are not is a mystery to me but it's just the way it is.

I went to lunch today with Jessie and August. We met at Japanica, just the three of us and we had a good time. I went completely insane and instead of getting my green curry tofu bento box I got teriyaki salmon with udon noodles and enjoyed it immensely. And the world did not come to an end.
August has become so very polite, saying "tant-tu," every time anyone gives him anything and in fact, he told the waitress "tant-tu" every time she brought anything to the table, even if it wasn't for him. Jessie reports that sometimes he even says it when he indicates that he'd like the other breast when he's nursing and she obligingly switches him over.
He ate miso soup and salad with ginger dressing and salmon and rice and noodles with great gusto.

After lunch we went to the Big Lots next door where we walked up and down the aisles and I bought a picture frame, a baby doll stroller for August, and...a Dirt Devil. This is big in that I don't have any type of vacuum cleaning device at all but instead, wear out an industrial broom at least yearly because I hate to vacuum but love to sweep. However, there are places in this house where a broom just doesn't do the job. Places where cabinets have been built leaving a space between old flooring and new, hidden and tucked under the fronts of the cabinets. God only knows what's lurking in those spaces. I'd be so happy if I could find, for instance, a beloved earring that I lost a good while back somewhere in this house. I'll probably find mostly cat food and dried up bits of cheese and veg but what the hell? Sixteen dollars and it'll be worth what I paid for it just to clean the couch in the Glen Den, not to mention Mr. Moon's Lazy Boy. There will be cat hair. And plenty of it.
Right now it's being charged for its requisite 24 hours. I'll report in if I find any treasures.
Don't hold your breath.

Jessie took August home for his nap after we went to the Big Lots but I walked on down to the Goodwill bookstore. It was a completely different experience without all of the grandchildren. No one begging me to buy this movie or this book. No one at all to disturb my shopping experience.
It was rather boring.
I bought one 99 cent paperback copy of one of my favorite childhood books- Rascal, by Sterling North. In my fantasies, Owen will read this book and fall in love with it. We shall see what the reality is.

And that's been about it. I cut up some lettuce and a green grape into teeny-tiny pieces and gave them to the chicks and they ate every molecule. This made me happy as the simplest things do these days, leaving me feeling guilty for being so absolutely content to find happiness in these simple things which do nothing to alleviate the suffering of my fellow human beings whatsoever. Clean sheets, a good meal, a book worth reading, the weight of a grandchild on my hip, the ability to comfort a grandchild, to provide something one of them needs for one short moment in time, a trip to the trash depot to take those things which we have gotten all of our use out of, the satisfaction of pushing a bean seed one inch into the ground and covering it up with a firm pat on the living dirt, a text message telling my husband how very proud I am of the fact that he got up at six a.m. to go to the gym.

I do not pray or meditate for my fellow humans. I do not write postcards to my congressfolk. I do not volunteer at soup kitchens or make art which inspires souls to express their own souls. I do not adopt pets except for the ones who show up at my door and I do not foster children which is something that I will always feel guilty about.

All I do is take care of myself the best I can (which hardly seems adequate) and the ones I love (which never seems adequate) and be as kind and loving as I can to all of those I come in contact with.

Ah well. This is what depression can feel like. A constant message that YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH and let's let it hold hands with its evil Siamese Twin, anxiety, which says, "None of it is enough and everyone will die."

Ah well, she says again. The rain is coming down harder and it is time to put the chickens up for the night and heat up some soup. Mr. Moon is out of town and it will be a good night to burrow down into the covers and read until sleep overcomes me and I will, for those hours of deep night and early morning, take comfort in my good excuse to let every bit of it go.

Be cozy, y'all.

Love...Ms. Moon

12 comments:

  1. Life goes on, as it should, eh? A normal, peaceful life is what we strive for, far as I know. I'm glad you have it, and hope you keep it.
    Cheers,
    Mike

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  2. Well, hell, that sounds like a very productive and happy day to me. And it sounds like none of your plantings are going to suffer very much. Enjoy the good things, Ms. Moon, and the heck with the rest of it. We are too old not to be happy! (I speak for myself.)

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  3. Of course I love August's thank yous. What a little doll!

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  4. Those evil Siamese Twins get even the least anxious of us. I hate them.

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  5. I wish you didn't feel that feeling of, "None of it's enough and everyone will die." Because I get it to the deepest part of my getter. (My new word for today.) I'm sure it sounds almost funny to those who don't go through it. Personally, I feel that way almost daily. But mine has the added delight if everyone burning in hell and not the hell where everyone is drinking beer but one of isolation and loneliness and torture. It's fucked. So fucked.

    Now that I have cheered you up.

    I have already started buying books for my yet to be grandchildren. Curious George. Richard Scarry. The Harry the dog books. Reading is life to me and I hope I pass it on to my grandchildren. My kids are both readers so there is hope.



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  6. Ugh, the you are not enough and we are all going to die is the cloud that is following me at the moment too.
    But August's sweet manners remind me of my son, having a big feed and then lying back and saying 'Ahhh, thanks! That was *great*!' like a man popping his top button at the end of a good Christmas dinner.

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  7. "All I do is take care of myself the best I can (which hardly seems adequate) and the ones I love (which never seems adequate) and be as kind and loving as I can to all of those I come in contact with."

    This? It is everything.

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  8. Id kill a nun for udon noodles!

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    1. I do not believe that for one minute. Mug a nun, maybe but you wouldn't kill one :)

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  9. that's a hellacious spring winter storm coming down your way. I planted my tomatoes in February because it had been so warm and even hot I was afraid if I waited til the pecan trees came out it would be too late and I wouldn't get any. I hope we don't get any more freezes or frosts but I think I can cover the tenders if it comes to that.

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  10. I learned that all this Me Me Me stuff is partly to blame for being depressed and useless feeling. What about Me ? Why me ??
    When I was suddenly widowed in a house that needed a lot of work in a town that I did not know surrounded by people who were strangers, I spent a winter with snow storms every month .. and wondered what in the world did I do to deserve this.
    Then one day, I must have read something or heard something but I thought about it in a different way.
    What good was I ? What was I doing for anyone or anything ? I was useless and a whiner.
    So I began small, I took all the books that I had read and donated them to a Nursing home in the town I was living in.
    Old people sitting silently in rooms , staring out windows or at each other, could now read a good book if they felt like it.
    I started buying groceries where you buy one get one free and I donated the food to shelters and services for the people who couldn't afford groceries.
    I whined to my family but I soon quit that, my life was changed irreparably so the only thing left to do is start a new one.
    That is the way I think nowadays .. I am alive, that was taken away from my husband but I am damned well going to live a life for the both of us .. besides, the cats need me :)

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  11. I beg to differ...
    You DO "make art which inspires souls to express other souls" ~ you do this every day for me and for many others!
    So..."tant-tu"!!!

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