So did you see where a man in Brandon, Florida was in his bedroom and then a sinkhole opened up beneath him and he's gone? Gone. Just...gone.
Florida. You can't beat this state for weird ways to die.
I can't help it. I love Florida. Today is a gorgeous day. But it's going to freeze tonight. What? What? Oh, March. You will break a girl's heart.
I had a little breakdown last night. I cried and cried. I told Mr. Moon that it used to be that if something happened that was life-staggering that you could say, "Well, let's go to the beach for a month."
I don't even know why I think that's true but maybe it is.
Anyway, I was crying because since my mother broke her ribs and then died I haven't had a good fifteen minutes of a break. Not even the night she died because we had house guests. Whoa. That was weird. I haven't even discussed that. I probably won't either but trust me- weird. One of the weirdest nights of my life.
And then life just kept on going, as it will, and then we got sick and then I hurt myself and the only breaks I've had are when I've been flat on my back with the sick or with the injury and I've popped back up and done whatever needed doing and it all caught up with me once again last night and so I cried.
Before I broke down I took a bath and I have one of those bath tubs that has a shower-head attachment and if you don't get all the knobs going the right way and you turn on the water, you might get a rainstorm in your bathroom and that's what happened to me last night and I literally had to leave a towel on my dresser because of the great drops of water on the ceiling above it which were bound to fall in the night and it was just one more mess to deal with, the drying off of everything and the sopping up of the floor wherein I used every towel in my bathroom and maybe that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't know.
I wanted to shoot someone. I wanted to shoot the UNIVERSE. That's who I wanted to shoot. The universe but the universe wasn't at my house so I got angry at my husband who had done nothing but wash the dishes and help me with the boys and I'm old enough to know that really, he is NOT a stand-in for a cruel world and so after my bath I got in the bed and when he got in with me, I just cried and cried, no longer angry at him, just so very sad. Sad for my mother and for her death which was horrible and her worst nightmare because she died and they brought her back and sad because when she was finally allowed to die and I was with her, I didn't have the right words to say because we'd not had the right relationship for me to have those words in my heart and I did the best I could but the whole situation was just sad. Sad because she had to suffer her whole life and sad that she couldn't ever figure out how to love and be loved, not really. Sad because everyone suffers, there is no getting around it but some people seem fated to have to suffer more than others and often not because of any action they may have taken or not taken, it's just that they got the short straw (and I am NOT speaking of myself here) and sad because I don't even know how to take care of myself on any level and sad because I am not of sweet spirit in my heart and am resentful and mean sometimes and sad because I hurt in my leg and my wrist and my hip and sad because I'm not a good wife sometimes and sad because the older I get, the less able I am to do anything FUN which involves leaving my property and sad because I'll die and just be a memory for Owen and Gibson and that's life but it's sad.
You know. All of that and the wet bathroom and my looks which are gone, baby, gone.
But today is beautiful. It is. And no, we're not going to the coast. God dammit. It's just going to get so cold and the dogs (the fucking dogs!) can't be left with the doors wide open so they can go outside and that's too much to ask a neighbor to deal with, them and the chickens too, and the cat, the cat that is not a pet but just a feral gray thing that whines and complains outside and who may be a hundred years old by now and my plants which need covering up and besides- this bed we've been sleeping on. Oh, that damn bed. We put it in the guest room but now we're sleeping on it because it's so good, that bed, and it cushions and cradles me and it eases my soreness and I can't bear the thought of sleeping on a regular bed. Not now when my whole body is a rack (wrack?) of pain. And even the idea of sitting in a car for the two hours it would take to get there seems impossible. So.
But I tell you what. I am not going to do one thing today that requires any strain on my body.
And even with that vow, I know I probably will and I'm still a little weepy.
I just feel so useless. Honestly. If there's one thing I believe that the universe requires it is to glory in the goodness and I have not been glorying in the goodness. Not one bit. Okay. That's a lie. Even here in my house and my yard in Lloyd, Florida I have taken note of and gloried in the cardinals, the tiny dove sipping from the slimed-over little pond, my grandsons and everything they do, the miracle of my marriage and family and friends. I do glory in all of that.
I just want to go away for a little while but I don't want to leave. I want to suddenly and miraculously be on a balcony over the sea. I want to suddenly be on an island. I want to be at a table set with silverware and napkins and maybe a bowl of ceviche and some pico de gallo and chips and the sea right there, an entire universe of underwater not five feet from me, warm and something I could slip into and the pain of gravity on my body could be relieved.
Well. I just want a lot of things, don't I?
I guess I'll go make a fucking kale smoothie. Ooh boy.
And rest. I need to rest. And cry if that's what I need to do. Right here in Lloyd, Florida where I probably won't be suddenly swallowed by a sinkhole but who knows? The universe would not care if I was and that is at once horrifying and reassuring.
I just feel so useless.
And it's getting so very cold.