Friday, March 20, 2009

Random, Unimportant Bits. Brown Paper Bag Day, For Sure, Vol. II


Golly. I could just talk about spring until your ears burst or your eyeballs bled but I love you and don't want either of those things to happen and so I believe I'll just post some stray musings here today. Mrs. Lily is coming out to do laundry and visit and I'm thinking about that and how good I feel and how wonderful yoga was (no phone calls and lots of stretching) and how amazing spring is. I bought tomato plants yesterday and New Guinea impatiens...
Wait. I wasn't going to do that.

So.

(And disclaimer: There is a huge possibility I have discussed these things before. So what?)

First off, I'm not paying as much attention to the news. I'm an NPR junkie as I've said before, and so I do listen to the news a lot and yet, these days, I'm not really thinking about what I'm hearing. I believe it's too depressing. Poor Obama is already being called a failure because he hasn't managed to bring the economy back and fix the world financial crisis. Also, we still have troops in Iraq. Plus, oh, you know. They haven't cured cancer. Thus, he's a failure.
Yeah, fuck that. The plate he got handed was too big for god and let's give the man some breathing room. Back away from the president! He's not magic. He's a man. I'm taking the "let go and let Obama" attitude. Yeah, yeah. I have my head in the sand. Or my hands in the dirt. Either way, makes no difference to the eventual outcome of what's going to happen.
I'll take care of my business and Obama can take care of his business. Which of course is mine, too, when you think about it, but he's the one in charge of the big things. I'll be in charge of what's for supper.


(Thank-you, DTG.)

Next.
Why can't they come up with a gas pump delivery system which does not drip after you have cut off the gas? I don't care how much you shake that thing, there are going to be a few drops left. They will spill out on the ground. Total all that drippage up and we are (a) not doing the environment any good, and (b) probably wasting millions of gallons of gas a year. I'm not engineer but I truly think they could invent some valve that clicks off at the end of the hose to prevent this dripping. Don't you?

On to toilet seats. And I KNOW I've talked about this before but goddammit! Why do women pee on toilet seats? Why must they hover over them, thus creating the exact situation they are trying to avoid, which is nastiness? When we were in Milton I went in to use a bathroom in a restaurant and it was a one seater and the lady coming out as I was going in was a tiny, elegant, woman of Asian descent and JESUS H. CHRIST! she'd peed all over the seat. Which of course I did not realize until I sat down on it.
Now I could have taken this woman DOWN with one hand tied behind my back. I mean, her wrist bones were as big around as my thumb. But did I?
No. Because I am a LADY!
But am I still cursing her?
Obviously.

Now. Toilet discussion number two. Haha! No puns intended! Really. I am not that clever. Anyway, in another restroom stop on our trip at an official highway rest stop I found the toilet of my dreams. It was an out-of-the-wall toilet made of STAINLESS STEEL! Holy Moly and where do I buy one? Because how much time do YOU spend cleaning that whirly, stupid ceramic base of your toilet? Who invented that design? It wasn't a woman, I can tell you that. And stainless steel? Oh my. Well. I guess that's all I need to say about that except for when I build my own bathroom some day, it will have one of those toilets and an XLERATOR hand dryer.
My life will be complete.

Speaking of completing my life. Yesterday at Target I bought an ergonomic weeding tool. This thing, if it doesn't actually complete my life, is certainly going to change it. It's no secret that I love to weed. Really. Give me a book on tape and a bunch of weeds and I'm as happy as I need to be. And with this new weeder, my wrists will be healthier, my work will go faster, and the bright green handle will mean that I won't lose it in the mulch.
Yes. Yes. Oh my god, yes.

Let me ask you a question. When you see commercials on TV for all the fresh foods you can buy at McDonald's now, do you wonder if they're really fresh? I personally think they've figured out a way to preserve vegetables and fruits, allowing them to serve four-year-old apples and cherry tomatoes that look as if they were picked yesterday. I am not, however, tempted to go in try their "fresh" produce. Not. At. All.

Okay. Combining two topics: Did you see that the Obamas are getting an organic garden at the White House? I wonder if he'd like me to come up there and be his weeder because I sure would be happy to do that. Wow. Talk about your dream jobs. I swoon at the thought.

So get this: I wrote an email to a columnist for our local paper last week. She writes about religion and in her latest column she discussed Lent and how she asks God what He would like her to give up for it and how he personally answers her. This year he wants her to "lose her 'tude." Yes, God speaks like one of the fellows from the hood. She also said some other things which I thought were absurd and so I wrote her in the spirit of discussion and pointed out a few things from the Bible which I thought refuted her ideas and she wrote me back saying basically, "Yes. I used to feel the same way. Now I don't."
God said it, she believes it, and that's that.
Or maybe God didn't say it but she believes it anyway.
Free country, baby.

One more thing. You know how people are always bitching about how guys wear their pants down around their knees and have to hold them up like Scarlett O'Hara had to hold up her petticoats to walk? Well, I too think it's a fairly ridiculous fashion but you know what? I don't care if they wear their pants like that. They're the ones who have to deal with the consequences if they need to run, like if there's a snake or an ax murderer heading their way. Plus, it's a boost to the underwear makers and business needs all the boosts it can get. As far as I can tell, almost all of fashion is ridiculous and yet, we all seem to need it.
Except me.
I believe in style, not fashion.

And now. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to change out of my yoga togs and get into my overalls because there is WEEDING TO DO! I am a woman who believes in wearing the proper attire for each and every day's activities and knowing that most of my days can be spent in overalls just makes me so very, very happy that I can't even begin to express it. Overalls are just my style.

What's yours? If you got to wear whatever you wanted to to go about your daily routine, what would it be? Would it be sylish? Fashionable? Comfortable? If you're a man would you wear a skirt sometimes if you could get away with it? L7, I know you would. And do. Which is one of the many reasons I love and respect you so much. If you're a woman, would you secretly love to wear false eyelashes and glittery eye shadow every day but are afraid people would mistake you for a show girl or someone who works in a hair salon? Would you wear flip-flops, Hawaiian shirts, red-sequined dresses? Your underpants? Those great little "playsuits" we all wore as children back in the sixties that tied at the shoulders? Whatever happened to those playsuits? Dang. They were great.

Okay. Okay. I'll shut up.
But never fear. I'll be back tomorrow.
No doubt to talk about spring.

Happy Friday, y'all. Bless our hearts.

21 comments:

  1. Gah! I have much to say about all this, but I have to leave to take the boy to the doc, so I'm just saying "Hi!"

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  2. "would you secretly love to wear false eyelashes and glittery eye shadow every day but are afraid people would mistake you for a show girl or someone who works in a hair salon?"

    I don't know why, but this made me laugh so hard.

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  3. Steph- I'm so sorry you're boy is sick. I hope he feels better soon. Thanks for stopping by and saying hello.

    DTG- Yeah. I like that line, too.

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  4. Ok, ready?
    1. He's a magic maaaa-aaannn, yeah eah eh, ooh oh, banna banna budduh bump bump.
    2. imagine the drips of gas like "a little off the top for your homeys"
    3a. I used to clean restrooms as part of my early job process: womens' rooms were so much more filthier than the mens' but mostly, because women washed their hands at least.
    3b. Stainless is REALLY expensive.
    4.I am sooooooo glad to find out that is a "weeding" tool and not what I originally thought.
    5.buh dump bup buh ba, I'm lovin' it (the new marketing campaign, that is- they spend more on making us like the food than the do ON the food)
    6. Obama and "weeder" is a good mix
    7.God speaks in mysterious ways; otherwise, we'd see the obvious-it's BS
    8. pants UNDER your ass is like halter tops under your boobs. "oh, but I'm wearing a bra" Really, it's silly. It comes from prison life and meant that you were "available". C'mon!

    And finally:
    Overalls are hot. Have a good weekend. My lunch beer has worn off.

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  5. Magnum- 1. I give it four because I can dance to it.
    2. No can do.
    3. Which vomit more? Men or women?
    4. You need one, man.
    5. I hate McDonald's.
    6. I agree. In any sense of the words.
    7. Well, we all know what I think.
    8. You're right but who cares? I hate bras anyway.
    And do you mean "hot" as in they get a bit warm in hot weather or do you mean hot as in "Oh, honey, go put on those overalls you know I like."?
    Sorry about that lunch beer buzz.

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  6. Oh, I'm so very glad I made it by today because I felt like talking about all those same things and now you've saved me the trouble! :) How is it we just agree on every little thing except that I prefer jeans and t-shirts to overalls. Yes, I would be very happy to find the perfect t-shirt (like a plain white Fruit of the Loom only ivory colored because I look like death in white) and I would buy just 2 or 3 of them and also 2 or 3 prs. of jeans (OK, Levis) that fit me whether I have lost or gained that 10 lbs. That's it. I would be so happy without too many choices. Any place that requires other attire is someplace I ought not to be.
    And btw, I don't believe for one second that God or Goddess speaks to us like we're special. I'm pretty darn sure he's not one of the boys from the hood calling to us out the window (my favorite part today! :)).

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  7. Magnum-
    Sorry.
    3. b. I don't care. It's worth it.

    Lopo- Overalls do not bind anywhere. Mr. Moon calls them his "man dress." I call mine my man dress.
    But I like your ideal wardrobe. I have who-knows-how-many-pairs of Levis. It's hard to find the perfect T-shirt, isn't it? Let me know when you find them AND the Levi's.

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  8. The bathroom of a bar I was in recently:
    http://img.photobucket.com/albums
    /v618/pbarmy/springbreak2k9
    /36truckjon.jpg

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  9. Get OUT of my head woman. Ok, seriously, are you listening in on my thoughts? ARE YOU???!!!

    I was just mentally bitching to myself TODAY about the drippy gas pump shit. In a day and age where you can text message a pizza order can they really not fix that little problem? Seems like a little plastic henge would do the trick, no?

    Also, I heard that bit about the organic garden at the Whitehouse and had to call my boyfriend right at that moment and tell him that working it was my dream job. For reals.

    Lastly, if I could wear anything I want, I would wear my capri-sweat pants everywhere I go(they are so comfortable and unlike regular sweat pants, the hem does not ever touch the ground, a must when mopping/sweeping/gardening). In addition to the pants I would wear glitter AND false eye lashes! HA! But I would apply them at my desk at work as I am too lazy to wake up early for such things.

    I love to wear really over the top eye make-up so much, but I find there are just not nearly enough outlets to do so. Especially not for the non-club-goer, such as myself. My boyfriend has to gently remind me at moments that "friends don't let friends wear glitter before noon".

    Ah, Ms Moon, this post has only confirmed what I already knew. That we are soul sisters!

    PS - I WANT to hear you go on about Spring and plants! What kind of maters did you get planted??

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  10. Sorry for the massively long response, but I have one more thing I just have to add! I am one of the most rabidly anti-religious people you will ever meet. If you and I ever got together, I can imagine we could talk about this subject for a very long time. I love that you took the opportunity to give that woman a piece of your mind!

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  11. I want a playsuit that ties at the shoulders! I would wear it with my fabulously made up eyes and my flip flops, unless I wanted to go very fast and then I would wear my rollarskates. Really, ideally I would look like that porn star in that movie Boogie Nights, except that I would not do porn. That would be my grocery shopping ensemble.
    And Lady Lemon- I just have to say that life is too short to NOT wear glitter before noon. If you wear glittery eyeshadow and glasses, or sunglasses, and the light hits you just right, all that glitter reflects out into your glasses and the whole world is washed in stars. Boys don't know what they're missing.
    Oh, and Mama, great post! Super fun to read. The whole thing just made me smile.

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  12. Ah, Lady Lemon. Perhaps we should meet for coffee. They serve it free at Tallahassee Nurseries! We would, I agree, have a lot to talk about.
    And even I, who hardly ever wears make-up unless I'm in a play, loves the sparkly eye-shadow and lots of mascara. You should have seen the way I used to paint my eyes back in the hippie days on special occasions. Oh my. What I wouldn't give for a picture.

    Miss Maybelle- YES! You are so right about all of it! And I would love to see you walking to the New Leaf in that ensemble! Or, roller skating. Kathleen told me that she saw you walking today and that you owned that sidewalk and were beautiful and strong and sexy.

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  13. i'm all about being comfortable (and naked - lol!). That's why I like warmer clients - it is NOT comfortable wearing thick layers of clothing, or itchy clothes, or sleeves. I hate sleeves! I'd wear tank tops and comfy shorts with no shoes everywhere everyday if I wasn't so self-conscious of my white chicken legs (; I used to do it all the time as a teenager...

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  14. Prisons have stainless steel toilets. Do a crime, do some time, you'll get steel toilets. (Just trying to be helpful) Find out who supplies the prisons, and Voila - I'll be they'll sell you one for about $104,582!

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  15. Holy cannoli. That is a lot in one post. Well I hope your Friday has been divine and all is well. Quite disturbing how women treat toilet seats. When we lived in Japan there was just a hole in the ground so I guess that is an option.

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  16. Hi Ms. Moon! That there's some lovely wisteria!

    I sat on enough public toilet seats this past week to know that's true and definitely disgusting. I could go on about other disgusting public bathroom habits as well, but will refrain. For the record, I do not pee on toilet seats. :)

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  17. When I opened the page I scrolled past the green handle of your ergonomic wedding tool,and for a second I thought that it was ana ergonomic speculum.

    But that didn't make much sense.

    Please come visit and do my weeding! I havea dandelion problem.


    Ideally I would wear voluminous soft trousers (um, lounge pants?)under a long full skirt and a string (I'd call it a vest, I do't know what you'd call it. An undershirt?) vest.

    Hmm, clothing vocab confusion.

    And if it's cold, my big skanky gap hoodie.

    And bare feet.


    Which is pretty much what I do wear in the confort of my own home.

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  18. Oo, I spend ages and ages shaking the drips into the gas tank. I think I must save thousands... or rob them.

    They say they have patented systems but they never work.

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  19. Ms. CMe- Barefoot R Us. And if you wear shorts all the time, your legs won't be white. And I seriously doubt you have chicken legs.

    MOB- Yep. Prison toilets. That's what I want. Only not in prison. Thanks for the advice, though.

    Mr. Shife- And this is another reason I do not care to visit Japan.

    Nicol- I would never think you were the sort to pee on a toilet seat. You have morals and ethics!

    Ms. Jothemama- Your ensemble sounds gypsy-like and I, too, have a favorite Gap hoodie. Comfort and loveliness.

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  20. Hi Ms Moon
    You really sounds like one of my other friends like notquitejunecleaver.com etc. who loves overalls like myself, so much that we plan an international overalls day, even if every day is overalls day for me ! take a look on my blog , best bibprofessor

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