Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Lessons In Motherhood, Lessons In Grandmotherhood


Last week my mother-to-be daughter Lily, came out for a visit and to do laundry. This becoming a grandmother thing is all new territory to me and seems at once perfectly right and completely ludicrous. I mean, how can I be a grandmother? It seems like only yesterday, no, it was only yesterday that this child herself was born, pushed forth from my body with a force only other mothers and the universe know. Because birthing a baby weighing over ten pounds with her little fat hand up by her head is not unlike the universe forming a new planet from granite and fire. There is no delicacy in this situation, believe me.
But the feeling of having done such a thing- having formed and grown this amazingly beautiful, perfect, round and rosy child in my own body and then having safely delivered her to earth- well- yes, it was yesterday.
So the idea that she herself is growing a perfect rosy child within her own body is a bit hard to fit my mind around, but yes, here she is, glowing like a sunrise, smiling like a madonna, with every sweet dream and fear that pregnant ladies have.
There is so much to think about, to worry about, to hope for, when a new child is coming and we talked, off and on as the clothes went from washer to dryer, all day long.
Lily's thinking about using cloth diapers, which I totally approve and which would end up saving her thousands of dollars over the course of the years. We got online and looked at all the new and different technologies of cloth diapers and a whole industry seems to have sprung up around the whoa! amazing! idea that cloth diapers might be better for the environment. Liners and wraps and thises and thatses. Did you know you can buy hemp diaper covers?
Speaking as a card-carrying Old Hippie Crone who diapered her four children in mostly cloth this is what I have to say about that: Bite my old hippie crone ass.
And also, whatever.
"So what did you do?" asked Lily. "And how do you put a diaper on a baby?"
Since I have quite a stash of nicely used but still amazingly useful cloth diapers, I got one out and demonstrated on a baby doll how easy it is to put a diaper on a child. Then, to further my point, I grabbed the Yorkie who was on the bed with us and proceeded to flip him over and put a diaper on him. Well, I didn't pin it because I can't remember where my old duckie diaper pins are, but it was a neat job. It fit tidily around his skinny legs, his little stumpy tail, and although he squirmed a bit, he was no match for a mother who has diapered all sorts of squirming, fussing kids.
"You see?" I said. "It's not that hard."
She agreed. And I promised her the best of my old diapers, washed and bleached and hung outside to dry for her baby. And that I would order her some diaper pins off the internet and all would be well.
That was easy.
Later on, we got onto the topic of teenagers and how to deal with them. This is something I'm sure Lily is already quite worried about because she herself was the teenager from hell. Shall we say that the normal cleavage of child from mother and father which by its very nature is fraught with pain and danger was bloodier than most? Great chunks of flesh were torn from all our hides when Lily was in that period of life. I, who had already gone through the passage of two children from childhood to adult was, to put it mildly, completely freaked out for about six years.
But, but, but...she grew up. And now she is the sweetest woman imaginable and about to have her own child and looking back on those years, she suddenly realizes what she might have put her father and I through.
"How will I talk to my kid about what I did?" she asked me.
"Oh," I said coyly, "You don't have to tell them everything. Believe me."
I was putting a new plant in the beautiful blue ceramic planter that she herself had given me as a gift while we were having this conversation. The laundry was done and she was getting ready to go home.
"I think," I said, tucking roots into dirt, "That you just have to always come from a place of compassion and love. You have to remember how you were and not get too angry. Oh, you can get angry, but don't come from that place. Compassion and love. Didn't you always feel that your daddy and I loved you, no matter what?"
"Yes," she admitted. "Which made it so hard and made me feel so guilty about hating you so much."
Ah. There you have it.
The teenaged years.
In days long past, Lily would have been the ruler of an entire tribe with her fierceness, her complete lack of fear, her strength and size and force of will. I can see her, dressed in skins and holding a mighty spear, leading her people into battle. As it is nowadays, there was no real safe outlet for all this energy. And so she did things that teenagers do when there are no mammoth to hunt, no lands to conquer.
And by the powers of love and luck she survived and has lived to experience this other great adventure- that of being a wife and mother.
"It'll all work out," I said.
I finished up with the plant and hung it on the kitchen porch and kissed her.
"It'll all work out," I repeated.
And it will.
From diapers to tattoos, from where-will-the-baby sleep to driver's licenses and curfews, it'll all work out.
These things do.
And I am so grateful that my own children have maneuvered safely through the rocky shoals of being teenagers and that we have all survived. They are all on different journeys now. Journeys of their own. I can stand back and offer whatever help I can give, but the journeys are theirs now.
And I think this is part of what growing older offers. The perspective to stand back and say, "It'll all work out."
And then to kiss the child and go in the house and wash my hands and be grateful, so very, very grateful, that we've all survived and that Lily still loves me and that I can still be helpful, showing her how to put a diaper on a dog and telling her that all will be well and that love and compassion are the main tools she'll need.
Hemp diaper covers do not make a good mother.
Strong hearts and loving arms do.
And Lily has both of those in abundance.
As well as a nice pile of soft, cloth diapers.
What more could she need?
She'll be fine, that fierce strong Lily of mine. And her baby will be what all babies are- a beginning Buddha, a tender, breathing creation of Lily and Jason's love.
A human being with a mind of his or her own.
And it all begins again.

22 comments:

  1. You will be a wonderful grandmother, no doubt.

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  2. Ha! Zeke in a diaper! I bet I could still diaper a baby in .3 seconds myself, thanks to Lil and Jess.

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  3. That is some pile of diapies! Great picture!!

    Yes, Lilly's gonna be a great momma, and you already are a wonderful gramma! You have been for some time, without the associated "age" requirement. I mean, you love, care for, teach, and amuse every child of a friend or family that you've ever come into contact with... and then, when it's time to go, you give them back. Voila!

    I'm sure I'm oversimplifying, because this will be a blood bond. An actual familial link from past to future and all that. But the mechanics I imagine will not be much different.
    Can't wait!
    xo pf

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  4. Rachel- I'm sure going to try!

    DTG- Yes. I feel certain you could give lessons in diaper changing. And it looks like that might come in handy here shortly...

    Petit Fleur- Oh, isn't it going to be fun? A whole new crop of babies. Because there are more coming, too. Yippie! I'll tell you about it.

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  5. I had such a wonderful peaceful time out in Lloyd last week. Thank you for all your words of encouragement and wisdom. I am so excited and nervous for what the future holds. Thank goodness I have you and the rest of our wonderful family to help me along. I love you very much.

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  6. Yeah, the image of the doggie in a diaper was pretty cute to think about! That made me smile.

    You'll be a fab Grandmama, Ms. Moon. That's so obvious. :)

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  7. ah yes, the point when your parents become grandparents is some sort of bizarre transition: they spoil youngin's rotten and then send them back to you all jacked up on puppies and espresso shots!

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  8. HEH! I, too, just got quite the kick picturing you using Mr. Zeke as a diaper dummy. I bet that was super cute and funny.

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  9. Lily- What more can I say besides I love you and am so proud of you?

    Nicol- Isn't it funny how worried I am about that? I sure hope so.
    But I can put a damn diaper on a dog. Too bad there aren't competitions for such things.

    Magnum- Puppies and espresso shots...Hold on. Writing this down. Okay, got it.

    HoneyLuna- I'll show you next time you're out. Tee-hee.

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  10. You are going to be an awesome grandma. Mrs. Shife and I are debating the cloth diaper thing ourselves. And the best of luck to Lily and her baby on the way. It was refreshing reading your blog and seeing that she has the same types of fears and doubts Mrs. Shife and I are also experiencing. It is weird being scared and excited at the same time.

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  11. You would think that by now, someone would have thought up a way to put Velcro on diapers - it was the entire diaper pin thing that freaked me out. (As a result, both of my kids were toilet trained - at least in the daytime - by age 2. I was also not working and very eager to stop being dependant on the wind drying my diapers while living in a rainy, humid place.) Velcro on diapers - must check this out! It could be a gold mine!

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  12. Posts like these don't help me escape my baby fever =) Someday...

    So glad you're excited for the new little one and that you're feeling better.

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  13. This is a lovely lovely post.

    You will be the grandmother of all grandmothers!

    Lily should have been more grateful you didn't call her Wysteria ;)

    You remind me of my mother's story about her baptist mother surprising her, cutting a hole in a baby vest for the dachshunt, and when they asked why, telling them it was for his 'teeny weenie willy'.

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  14. Mr. Shife- And you are going to be an awesome Papa. You just wait and see. Your fears will dissolve into your love.

    MOB- But with velcro, you can't adjust for size the way you can with pins. This is the problem there. You have to keep buying new "products."

    SJ- It is spring. We ALL have baby fever. I'm just lucky in that a crop of them is growing in my front yard, so to speak.

    Jothemama- "Teeny-weenie-willy." Yes, that is what Zeke, my Yorkie has. I swear, I am going to find my diaper pins and put a diaper on him and take his picture. Really.
    And Wisteria would make a lovely name for a baby.

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  15. you will be the most fabulous gramma!

    I did know that there are hemp diaper covers...because I used them!!!

    ps I can't believe you still have all your cloth diapers!
    smooches

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  16. I LOVE the way you talk about your daughter, and the way you think about love.

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  17. AP- Well, someone has to use the hemp diaper covers. Did you like them? And as to still having my diapers- girl, Lily was born yesterday which means my youngest was born today. Of course I still have her diapers!

    MaggieMay- I love the way you talk about love.

    XBox- Haven't we started the paperwork on that yet?

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  18. This was a truly gorgeous post!

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  19. Penelope- Thank-you. I have truly gorgeous children.

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  20. I don't know how I stumbled upon this blog, in this gigantic WWW, but it touched me so deeply I have to reply! I am a total stranger, out in Vermont, but I am also YOU, and LILY. Or, smack dab between you- a proudly developing hippie crone with a 20-yr-old daughter. The light is at the end of her teenagehood tunnel. My own Deadhead acid-trip years recede just behind my homebirth-cloth diaper years, and you have so aptly described what I imagine lies ahead for both of us!!
    THANK YOU. My own mother died a few years ago, and your words have brought me closer to her this rainy morning.
    <3 Vermont Hippie Crone

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  21. Ms. Vermont- Howdy! I don't know how you found me either but I'm glad you did. Come back and become part of our community here. It's a good one.

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