Thursday, December 7, 2023

I'm A Mess, But Here I Am

Levon's class went on a field trip today to go see the FSU Women's basketball team play. The game was at 11:00 a.m. and Jessie asked Mr. Moon if he wanted to go. Of course he did! To add to the fun, she was chaperoning. This morning before school, Jessie wrote her dad that Levon said he was SO excited to finally get to introduce his Boppy to his class! Now you know Glen loved that. I asked him later in the day whether or not Levon had indeed introduced him to his class and the answer was no. Both Jessie and Boppy reported that Levon was very serious throughout the entire game which Jessie thinks is probably his schoolboy persona. 
This could be true. We never really know exactly who our kids are at school, do we? 

So that was a very sweet thing.

Another pretty terrific thing that happened today was that when I was in Costco, I realized that they were NOT PLAYING CHRISTMAS MUSIC! I can remember that stuff being pumped into our ears every other Christmas so this was a completely lovely surprise. 
Being at Costco wasn't the greatest but it was, as I told a friend, sort of weirdly soothing because it was better than the crazy wacko thoughts I was having in my own alone head. And while I was there, I got four identical gifts for my kids and their sweethearts (not blenders) and three identical gifts for three of my grandsons. 

Don't tell them!

So at least I have started doing something. And I got to see Brenda and got one of her most fabulous hugs. And you know I love that. 

By this time it was around 2:00 and I was understandably hungry so I took myself to the Wharf where I enjoyed a delicious shrimp lunch. I'm sure it contained enough calories to sustain me for two or three days, the hushpuppies alone being substantial enough to make an entire meal of, but they were so good and I ate all three of them along with everything else on the plate. While I was eating, I was reading from the NYT's app on my phone and came across an article entitled, "Woman Who Threw Food at Chipotle Employee Sentenced to Work Fast-Food Job." Just then the server came up to ask if I needed anything and I said that I didn't but that I wanted to show her something that might make her laugh. 
She did laugh. 
Oh, that's me, just spreading joy everywhere by butting into people's lives and assuming I have something of worth to say to them. 

As you may be able to tell, I am not at my best today. I think that reading about Persistent Depressive Disorder has done something to me like setting off the pipes in a building to clanging. That's how I'd describe how it feels although it makes no sense at all. Just a general unpleasant, discordant alarm that something is wrong. Something that's been wrong for a long time but which has suddenly made itself known. I can't figure out why I really would want to know if that's what I have and now I'm second-guessing even writing about it. I I supposed to go BACK to talk therapy and support groups and possibly get on different meds and blah, blah, blah? 
Those things have kept me alive in the past and as I said yesterday, the meds still do. So does the knowledge I gleaned from therapy and the support group. And being kept kept alive is not to be spit at. But I suppose I'm wondering how in the world it would be possible to throw off the dark veil at this point in my life and expect that suddenly I'll want to travel and hang out with people and be all energized and if not actually happy, at least not so apt to cry at any random stranger's kindness or a loved one's...well, love.

I think too much, obviously. And not always in a constructive or logical manner. Let's get through Christmas and see where we are. 

My sourdough starter did indeed come back and has risen like Christ on the third day. 

Look at those pretty bubbles. I've actually got a loaf of bread almost ready to go into the oven. It will look nothing like Rebecca's but it will be edible. 

I think that Magnolia June is coming for a sleepover tomorrow. I have her hoodie and I got some sparkling grape juice for a fancy drink and a purple cow. Jessie said that she might bring out the boys to play with her for a while after school and that would be fun. I bought some silly miniature Christmas decorated cupcakes for a snack treat, and for supper we will be having Maggie's favorite meal at Mer's house which is fish and cheesy noodles. I just love that one of my grands wants me to cook them fish and Mr. Moon likes that too, as he caught the fish himself. I feel quite certain that Maggie will insist once again on sleeping with me because by now, this is our ritual, and no one is as deeply invested in ritual as a child. Mr. Moon does not mind as he likes the bed in the guest room even more than our bed. So it all works out. As long as Maggie can stand my snoring, she can sleep with me although when she reaches her teens, she may want to sleep in the guest room herself. 

I guess that's it for today, sweeties. 

Love...Ms. Moon



  1. Our time lines seem to be out of sync and I am often behind you by a day. I do read you every day but sometimes miss the opportunity to comment.
    Just so you know I am not ignoring you.
    Christmas is a terrible time of year for any of us with mental health issues. Even when we're happy it still ramps those stress levels up.
    How lovely to have Princess M to spoil. She has good taste asking for fish.
    Hang in there, lovely lady, next year we can fix ourselves. Now we focus on loving those around us.

  2. The trouble with you Mary Moon is that you are too intelligent and too emotionally intelligent but you cannot help that - it's just who and how you are. Thank heavens you are always comfortable with and indeed boosted by your immediate family who love you dearly. I guess it's a case of ups and downs. Keep riding them Mary.

  3. Did the kids see Boppy at his full height? That would have been a stunner.

  4. It sounds as if you're a bit confused by this new insight. Maybe you can put it on hold for now? Tomorrow you'll be busy with the divine Ms. M anyway!

  5. You bought Christmas gifts! In a store with no Christmas music! Wow. I am trying to imagine this and I cannot.

    PS: your grandkids are really beautiful.

  6. It must be so annoying to not be able to get that out of your head now. Perhaps if you continue to focus on the good things you have and do, it might retreat into the background? Maggie will help with that. You'll have so much fun together there will be no room for other thoughts.

  7. I've been thinking a lot about therapy (the dread of onboarding a new therapist is flattening to me, to be honest) because I am struggling mightily these days (and having a kid who is emerging from a major mental health crisis is HARD AS HELL). Anyway, the thought of regular talk therapy again is no longer appealing, but ugh, I (we? all of us?) need something. I have been doing some reading about somatic therapy instead. I just don't think I can THINK myself out of anxiety and depression anymore. Anyway, love to you.

  8. Oh Mary. I feel for you with love. You continue to write things l could have written myself. Yes let's ger the Xmas ans NY over and regroup. Love from Maggi UK

  9. I can't thank you enough for the link you put in yesterday my husband has PTSD and we recognised so many of the things on the list. We are at my daughters for her birthday but a lot of study will be done when we get home.

  10. The first photo makes me smile. Mr. Moon sure looks happy. As someone who has dealt with clinical depression and Persistent Depressive Disorder most of my life, I admire you for being able to share it here, and I encourage you to keep up the fight on this new (old) front for you. As you well know, it's never easy but it's so worth it (when you're feeling better). Keep sharing!

  11. I think Mr. Pudding is right. You've been through a lot, especially as a child. It changes people. The first time I was depressed, I was eight years old. It's been a part of my whole life and it just is. Someday it may kill me but my heart may do that too. Who knows? Mostly, I just life with it and cry easily as well. I envy those people who don't life with depression sometimes. Sending hugs and love.

  12. I think you are right to put your worry about Persistent Depressive Disorder on hold for now because Christmas can really play with our emotions and thoughts and maybe after Christmas, you will feel better about life. Happy Friday, Mary.

  13. there's a radio station here that plays only christmas music from about the first week after Thanksgiving. I avoid it at all costs. can't remember if the grocery store was playing christmas music last Monday. the only thing I actually like about this time of year is all the outdoor lights.

  14. What Mr. Yorkshire Pudding said. Oh Mary, I understand you so well. And this season does not help. Always a hard run up to Christmas, but here we are. I love the way you accept with ease who each of your grandchildren shows himself or herself to be. Such a gift to them. Serious schoolboy Levon. But you can tell, inwardly, he is beaming proud to be sitting next to his Boppy. Could be in his mind, Boppy's presence WAS the introduction.

  15. And yes, Rebecca's bread is so stellar. I miss Rebecca.

  16. also agree w/ Mr P..... you are uniquely YOU.. I really don't think that the *veil* can be just have times where you can see through it......and times when you cannot.
    Susan M

    1. PS...and the unique YOU, is a good thing, not a negative thing
      Susan M


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