Sunday, April 23, 2023

Letting Go Of Perceptions, Learning Forbearance


I seem to have a routine now. I get up in the morning, pee, feel an ache in my side, and I know it has begun. I have enough time to drink a bunch of water, maybe a cup of coffee too (life goes on, you know), read a blog or two, and then things ramp up, I get completely dry-mouthed and then I begin to walk around the yard. I have no idea if this stomp-walking works and I don't really stomp, I just walk HARD, and eventually, the pain stops and in a little while I pee out something smaller than a grain of salt and I feel as if my work for the day has been done. I am still straining my pee although I do not know why except to validate the fact that there is still grit that I'm passing. I am not sure why this happens regularly in the morning but I'm guessing because I'm just lying there at night and when I get up, things get moving. 
But really- who knows? Not me.

I have to say that the weather has been gorgeous for this daily activity. I took the picture up top there because it was so beautiful that despite my fierce concentration on breathing and walking, I was not unaware of what the new green leaves of that old, old oak tree looked like against that blue sky. 
I was thinking of Ross, of course. 

There was a new feature in today's walk. Well, two. One was that the guys that mow the yard across the street pulled up their truck and trailer on the sidewalk and strip of land in front of our house and as I walked towards that part of the yard, I knew that they probably thought I was going to complain so I paused and said, "Hey! No problem! I have a kidney stone and I'm just trying to walk it off." 
No need to say anything about grit, right?
The older guy looked at me in a puzzled fashion and said, "Okay. Well, have a blessed day."
"Thanks," I said, and stomped off around the house. 
I must be a sight. 

The other thing that was different today is that instead of popping a Toradol when the pain started getting bad, I just took two Ibuprofen. I've been taking one Toradol for the pain but it seemed to me that after the pain had passed I was having to deal with the exhaustion and weird-headedness of the drug for the rest of the day. However, what I discovered today is that no, the exhaustion and muddled mind were not a side effect of the drug but of the pain experience itself. This is becoming almost interesting. Well, it IS interesting but definitely not in a good way. 

This has to end eventually, right? All things must pass, as George Harrison so eloquently reminded us all those years ago. Even kidney stones and their lithotripsed grit. 

I didn't have the energy today that I had yesterday. I honestly thought that I'd get out and weed a little today. But I just did not have it in me. So I puttered about, doing a little potting of plants I'd rooted and watering the front porch plants and some other potted plants, cleaning out Sheba's water bowl, laundry (yes, again), and I made a recipe I'd seen in the NYT's cooking app that caught my attention. I'm not convinced it's going to be great but I felt compelled to make it. 


It's a lemon-coconut snacking cake which makes me laugh. What the hell is a snacking cake? Does this imply that there are entree cakes? Side dish cakes? Serious REAL dessert cakes? 
Whatever. I hope it's good. I sure did grate a lot of lemon zest. Mr. Moon loves coconut and even though the combination of lemon and coconut is not one that I'm really familiar with, it might be good. 
I hope so. 

Mostly what I've done today is just be thankful beyond anything that it's been so pretty and so relatively cool and taking in all that I can of what nature is offering up so gloriously right now in my own yard. 
Here's another picture I took later in the day of the pecan trees' new leaves along with some other sister-trees. 


Brand new green petticoats for all of them! And oh, how they love to show them off. Wouldn't you? I would. 

Mr. Moon's been over at Tom's again, working on my folding table. I think he's getting close to finishing it. No pun intended. I'm sure he will finish it and then it will be finished. 




He is loving doing this so much and I am glad. He is happiest when he has a project and this is something he's always wanted to have time to do. And since Tom's house is only about fifteen minutes away, he is close enough for me to feel comfortable with him being gone. God knows he doesn't need to have to deal with me every second of every day. 

As shitty and awful as this whole kidney stone experience has been, it has once again slowed me down and made me appreciate the beauty and sweetness of the life I live right here on these two acres in this tiny almost-a-village, Lloyd, just as it has allowed me to appreciate my husband even more and I thought that was not possible. He has put his whole life on hold, just to make me feel safe, to be here when I'm having my morning attacks, to hold me, to listen to me, to love me. When he gets into the bed at night where I've probably already been reading for an hour with Jack beside me, I feel as if my heart could not be more at peace. I love to hear his breath slow as he drifts into sleep, to know that he is there beside me. Jack settles down by my hip, knowing that I'm done petting him for the time being, and I, too, begin to fall into dreams. This is when I think that if this isn't heaven, I do not know what heaven is. 


To be at peace, to be at ease, to be without pain, to be with my love. These are the simplest things. 
These are the greatest miracles of all.

Love...Ms. Moon


34 comments:

  1. I do hope all things pass soon, Kidney Stones can be so painful, I've not had them, but all our Menfolk have and they were in agony during it. That Snack Cake looked delish, hope it tasted as good as it looks? The Simplest of Things indeed are the Greatest of Things.

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    1. It's not that kidney stones CAN be painful. It's that they are. I doubt there's ever been an instance of a human passing a kidney stone who wasn't in agony.
      The snack cake was great!

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  2. It sucks that there is really only one way out for those pieces of grit. This too shall pass, but when you're in the middle of it, it's often hard to see or believe that. As you said, at least the weather is nice. Sending hugs and love.

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    1. And today it rained. Not that I gave a shit.

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  3. Beautiful words, Mary. You do have a way with them.
    Lemon and coconut is a match made in heaven.
    Hopefully the daily excretion of grit will very soon become a thing of the past.

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    1. That cake was so GOOD!
      Honey, the sooner this tribulation is over, the happier I'll be.

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  4. At first I thought that the "lemon-coconut snacking cake" was part of your insides placed in that white dish by a surgeon or maybe a conglomeration of your accumulated grit and kidney stone material. Anyway. it doesn't sound very nice at all and rather like a nun in a convent, I hope "The Good Lord" shines down upon you and leads you to salvation.

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    1. If I believed in the power of prayer I would be praying to all the gods and goddesses that ever were.
      And no. My insides are not a snacking cake.

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  5. The term snacking cake sounds like Melissa whatsername. I make one of her recipes involving fruit, also named a snacking cake. I think it sounds healthy! Like my fave Health Bars. Mental health, that is.

    Speaking of which, yours seems to be on an even keel now, good. Sorry this kidney thing is so endless. I wonder if its because they lithotripsied instead of removing it. So you have to deal with the debris?

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    1. I don't think they CAN remove them. I think it's blast or nothing. But honestly, they need to get this technology further on down the road.
      Yes. I am dealing with debris.
      But in good news- that cake is delicious!

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  6. I always told my husband, as we settled in for the night, that it was my favorite place to be. And it was, so very much. It's what I miss the most, lying next to the one I loved and snuggled in for the night. Lucky us to have had or still have that.

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    1. I know you must miss it so. I do not take for granted my husband being in that bed beside me.

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  7. Mary, that kidney stone notwithstanding, you are blessed. We are all so OK with it because we find you a generally kind and loving person, and surrounded by your blessings.

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  8. you ARE blessed......and something like this slaps you in the face and gives you (anyone) a reminder of what is loved, cherished, and most important in our lives. Not that it took a damned kidney stone for you to know that already! May your cake be good, your eyes feast on the lovely green leaves.....and may you rest well tonight
    Susan M

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    1. Oh, if only your last sentence had been true!

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  9. Keep on stomping that grit out!! I saw a tiktok a week or so ago and it was about the neuroscience behind teaching your brain by finding tiny little joys in everyday things. It is something I do and didn't realize there was a brain benefit to it. Your description of the joy of Mr Moon coming to bed and you drifting off to sleep reminded me of that. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRTH4GXg/

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    1. I watched some of that video and you know what? I think I am very, very aware of the smallest simple things every day. They are what makes up my life.

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  10. Pain is a strange thing. I am afraid to take prescription painkillers because I heard that your brain so falls in love with them that it INVENTS pain so that it gets another fix of pain killer. I am glad your pain is handled by Ibuprofen. I am so sorry that you are enduring all of this, but you are right. It is these things that cause us to stop and take stock.

    PS: Because of you, I am finishing up 60 ounces of water today. Fear is a powerful motivator.

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    1. Fear is motivating me, I can tell you that.
      I'm pretty sure that after all of this stone is gone I won't be reaching for the pain killers any more. There is some pain that requires the heavy stuff and I'm not fighting that.

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  11. 37paddington: so interesting that the stomp walk eases the pain. And how wise you are in the midst of it all to focus on the good and the tender. May the day come soon when you awaken and there is no twinge of pain. Hugs.

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    1. I am waiting for that moment to happen and it will take me a long time to trust that it's really all over.

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  12. That certainly sounds like heaven to me and you've earned that peace so go ahead and enjoy it. I love the trees against that blue sky.

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  13. Gosh I hope that entire stone passes soon. I've never had a kidney stone (touch wood) so I have no idea, but I've heard the pain is excruciating. Poor you! Could you take out your frustration on the bamboo (just being practical here)? And your "snacking cake" (what a weird name) does indeed look wonderful!

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    1. I have indeed kicked a bamboo or two on my circuits of the yard but it's almost impossible to anything but to keep walking.

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  14. Glad to hear that the broken up stone (grit?) is moving out of your kidney. I remembered today that I had "kidney gravel" years ago and treated it with lemon juice and olive oil on an empty stomach and 1/2 hour on my back with feet up. Might have read about this treatment in Back to Eden, which used to be my natural healing bible. Looked this up online today and found this site: https://www.earthclinic.com/cures/olive-oil-lemon-juice-for-kidney-stones.html Might be worth a try? It did work for me. Sending love and healing. xx00x N2

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    1. I was just thinking of "Back to Eden." I too, read and believed much of that book. Sadly, I suppose, not so much anymore. It was interesting, though.
      I honestly don't think that lemon juice and olive oil is going to get rid of the grit for me. I am glad it worked for you and perhaps I should try it but the thought of trying to swallow that mixture makes me want to vomit. My stomach is already weird these days from the pain, I guess.

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  15. "Lithotripsed." Now THERE's a word I've never seen before! I'm sure you gave that guy with the mower a good laugh. He probably went home that evening and told his family, "A woman said the craziest thing to me today..."

    The table is looking great! As is the snack cake. And yeah, aren't ALL cakes snack cakes?

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    1. I made up that word. Seems perfectly good to me though.
      You're probably right about that man. He most likely called me a crazy old woman and I don't blame him.
      Yes! Cakes are to snack upon. That is their purpose.

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  16. you are lucky that Mr Moon likes to do things. Marc does not. his favorite thing is to be in the house with a book. if he was religious he would be one of those men who study Torah all day every day. he would let the house and yard just collapse around him. I'm exactly the opposite.

    I also took a picture of the sky and new spring green leaves on the oak tree. actually I was taking a picture of Cat on the roof.

    you deserve your sweet life full of blessings.

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    1. Glen loves a project. LOVES! He can't stand to sit idle.
      I'm sure it's just as pretty over your way as it is here.
      And thank you for that sweet thought.

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  17. Goodness, I hope this kidney stone gets done soon. You have suffered long enough, Mary. Hope you have a better week!

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    1. Quite frankly, I think I have suffered more than enough.

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