That's the beautiful magnolia my sweet man brought me home today. He told me he stole it from "Government Land" which means it came from a tree down beside the interstate exit that is as full of blooms as any magnolia I've ever seen.
And that is the best thing has happened to me today.
I am downhearted again. First of all, despite telling Lily yesterday that no, I wasn't nervous at all about going to see my urologist today and that it was just going to be a short check-back-in situation that turned out not to be the case.
Of course I got so anxious before the appointment that I sort of thought I'd go into outer space or something but I made it there and I got called back quickly and all was going pretty much okay and the doctor came in and reassured me that I was doing well, it sounded like, and that we've probably seen the last of that stone and was about to leave when I asked him about the stone still in my kidney.
I do not think he remembered that but he said, "Let me go look at that scan."
And when he got back he told me that the stone was yes, there, and that it was larger by a few millimeters than the one I just had and that it's possible it could stay right there until I'm 99 years old OR it could move tomorrow.
No way to know.
So. There are options here. One is to just wait and see. If it starts moving, I'll know it. The other option seems to be blasting it with shock waves in a completely non-invasive procedure. However, as I well know by now, getting rid of all of those tiny stonettes are, in itself, a very painful prospect.
Well, fucking shit.
He said I could get an X-ray to pinpoint its exact location to see if the second option was feasible to do any time in the near future. So, off I went to get that at a radiology place and the doctor said he will call me after he looks at the film.
So now I just feel like crying and the idea of going through all of this mess again but with a bigger stone really does make the idea of just dying now sort of attractive. I know I shouldn't say that and I probably don't mean it but I'm not exactly sure I don't mean it. He did say that if he left a stent in me, that the passing of the grit might go easier but the stent is no fun either.
The anxiety and fear have returned like a dull ache in my gut and I know that nothing is different right now than it was yesterday but my knowledge of that is indeed different.
Before I go on, let me tell you what he said about preventing stones: They used to believe that diet had a lot more to do with the formation of stones than they do today. It may be possible to eat so much spinach and kale (and collards) that one is sort of pushing it, but probably not. That the most important things are staying well-hydrated, drinking or eating citrus products, adding lemon juice to the water we drink, and get this- NOT DRINKING CRANBERRY JUICE which does indeed increase the chances of the formation of stones.
So there you go.
When I got home, I just felt flat again and it took a lot to get me off my ass to wash the sheets and towels and other laundry and then to go out to the garden to do some more weeding and put in the little Sugar Bomb tomato seedlings I started. That did help with both mind and body but not very much.
I'm waiting for Mr. Moon to get home from Tom's where he is working on my table. I think today's project was to fill knotholes and perhaps to start with the finish.
Oh wait! He just pulled in.
What in the world would I do without that man? I have no idea nor do I ever want to find out.
I guess I'm looking forward to martinis but even that prospect does not fill me with joy. But maybe I'll relax a little and let go of some of this anxiety. Get a little more perspective.
And at least now I know that if I even BEGIN to experience the sort of pain I had when that stone first started moving, I'm going to the ER. I will not be shilly-shallying about to see if it eases off.
Does anyone still say shilly-shallying?
Well, I just did.
My hallway smells of magnolia and this is what the blossom looks like now that evening is coming on.
My mother used to say shilly-shallying, most likely talking about me.ReplyDelete
So sorry to read that you will, at some time, go through all that pain again! It's like giving birth over and over again and the pain is unrelenting until the urchin is born!ReplyDelete
Why in the hell can't the urologist go in and surgically remove that damned stone? You would think that would be an option!
Well, going into the actual kidney is serious business, I assume.Delete
My brother recently had a stone completely block the ureter to the point the kidney was at risk of failing. He had it blasted and a stent put in. He said the stent was uncomfortable but not as bad as the pain of the initial stone attack. He had the stent removed under sedation and is good as new now.ReplyDelete
Regardless, this time you are forewarned so will not have to put up with the pain and the fear of not knowing what is wrong.
You are strong, Mary, you will get through this.
That's what I've been thinking- that the stent couldn't possibly be as bad as the pain of a stone or even large grit passing.Delete
Thank you for reminding me of my strength. I don't feel like I have much left at this point.
I am so sorry you are facing this again. On the other hand, the stone could just stay there until you are 99, or more.ReplyDelete
One can only hope.Delete
37paddington: what Marcia said, why can’t they just go in and pluck that stone out? Awful to live with the not knowing if or when. And I’ve always found that looking inside my own body through scans and the like depresses me no end. Rock with the low feelings, let them flow on through. It does no good to resist them probably. All will be well again in time. I totally get how you’re feeling but slowly you’ll emerge. Here’s my hand. Love.ReplyDelete
Thank you for that hand!Delete
And get this- the doctor asked if I would like him to send me the scan showing the stone and I said yes because it seemed like the right thing to do. Have I looked at it? No. I did before he sent it but really, oh god. No thank you.
Like I said to Marcia, I don't think they can just cut into the kidney unless there's a damn good reason.
Ahh, that makes sense.Delete
So sorry to hear about where you are. Again. I wish they had a better way to fix this. It's miserable. The magnolia is lovely, as is the instinct to pick it and bring it to you.ReplyDelete
I know. It is not a good situation to know you're in. And you'd think they WOULD have better ways to deal with this by now but they don't.Delete
Glen knows how much I love magnolias. And he acts on that.
That Magnolia is a glory, both the bloom and your sweet girl. I’m so sorry, doesn’t seem fair after all the pain you’ve already endured. This too, shall pass, maybe literally. Much love.ReplyDelete
Thanks, Barbara. So much.Delete
Around here we say dilly dallying. I can practically smell that magnolia; other than the fact that I don't know what they smell like. You will get yourself to the ER and strong knock you out meds if the other stone effs with you and that is good knowledge to have.ReplyDelete
We actually say "dilly-dallying" too. Magnolias smell like heaven with a lemony overtone. That's the best I can describe them! You're right about the ER. Just makes me afraid to go anywhere. Okay. MORE afraid.Delete
I've been commiserating silently with you through the agony of kidney stones. Can only imagine how hard it is to live knowing that the second one MIGHT - or might not - move at any moment. What Jill said - the good knowledge is to hie thee to the ER with no shilly-shallying (which my family says) at the first twinge.ReplyDelete
Chris from Boise
Trust me- I will.Delete
NOT to drink cranberry juice? I shall have to re read my book and maybe ditch it into the nearest rubbish bin. I am so sorry to hear the second stone is now larger than the first. Would it be better to wait and see or get it blasted and have the whole grit passing over and done with and hope you don't get any more? What a conundrum.ReplyDelete
The magnolia is beautiful.
And that IS the conundrum. I honestly do not know.Delete
I know I'm stupid but I had always thought that blasting a stone kinda vaporised it - which I know now is stupid and that it has to be passed anyway. I'm so sorry you still have this hanging over your head!ReplyDelete
I guess if it vaporized the stone it might do damage to the surrounding tissue? Who knows? Not me.Delete
Stone pro here: it’s high anxiety to know you have something still there. My husband has them constantly-and the best advice I can give is that when those stones are moving and causing problems, you KNOW and can get proper treatment. Those things can stay in there, harmless, for a long time-it’s the moving that causes the pain. He’s done all the procedures including surgery (the last one was 20mm!), and we’ve finally had to settle on taking it as it comes because the stress of wondering what’s in there at all times is awful. Agreed on the citrus, and there are a few other things that might help if your stones are oxalate vs. uric acid. I feel like many people have a once or twice dance with stones like this and don’t have stories like ours where it’s a completely life altering thing.ReplyDelete
I feel so, so sorry for your husband and for you too- this affects your quality of life because it affects his. I think your advice may be very sound and I thank you for it.Delete
I wish that your husband's body was not so bent on causing him agony.
Mary, we all have things we have to deal with, and medically, some people are just complicated. It’s always something and I sure wish the stones were the worst thing we dealt with but that is not so. But I will say this-to know what you might be experiencing rather than NOT know when you are having symptoms is good. Even after all of this, when he starts hurting in this specific way, we go to ER and we get seen quickly. We keep pain meds on hand and try not to worry because the anxiety is even worse.Delete
I am trying to think of something useful to say and I can't. I am awfully sorry you're not done with this. (PS DON'T drink cranberry juice? My sister lectures about lemon all the time though.)ReplyDelete
Well, that's what my urologist said. I think that everyone was saying that cranberry juice was good for the prevention of bladder infections but I've heard that even that is not true.Delete
I've been watching the low branches of my magnolia so as to pick a flower just as it is opening. bummer about the other stone but like he says, it could just stay there forever. no cranberry juice. I wonder if eating cranberries has the same effect.ReplyDelete
I have no idea about eating cranberries but hell- mostly we only eat them once or twice a year and even then, not a great huge amount.Delete
Well, that was news you didn't want. Hopefully, it will never move and you won't ever have to deal with it.ReplyDelete
Have a peaceful weekend, Mary.
Your lips to the gods' ears.Delete
Like Debby......I''m trying to think of something useful to say....and I can't come up with anything. I'm just so disheartened to hear your news.....and fuck all kidney stones. I guess that is my *something useful* for what it's worth. Transmitting love through the airwaves......right to YOUReplyDelete
FUCK ALL KIDNEY STONES, YES!Delete
Thank you, honey.
About 15 years ago when I was down near Asheville doing a glass workshop. I developed a high fever, no pain but the symptoms that you would expect with a temp of 105. I had to drive miles to get a signal for my old cell. I called my doctor who called me a penicillin script so that I could drive home to New York. When I finally got home and to a urologist he said that I had a Staghorn stone and that they would need to do surgery to blast it from the inside. This was in August and I stayed on antibiotics till Spring because I had planned a trip to Africa with some students and I wasnt going to miss it. He anticipated weeks of recovery that is why I waited. Although I spent 5 days in the hospital with him sifting through stone pieces I recovered rather quickly. I was very lucky I never had any pain from passing pieces of the stone. I guess that he blasted it into very tiny particles. He described sifting out the pieces. I pictured him in the hole in my back with a tiny tea strainer. It all seemed so mysterious because the incision was in my back. For the next about six years I would go see him get x-rayed and he would say everything was ok. He finally retired and his partner said that he didn’t need to see me anymore because what was left of it was probably going to say where it was. Your odyssey has brought this all back to me and I am now worrying about the piece that is left.ReplyDelete
No kidding about the cranberry! Who knew?!ReplyDelete
I guess if it were me I'd just sit tight and see what happens. That stone may not go anywhere -- and if it does, then you can deal with it. I get the anxiety, though. It's like the sword of Damocles (not to be too dramatic).
Hope your martini helped. :)