Hank and Anna and May are coming over in the early afternoon to help me get this party together and help with the boys and I haven't even cleaned the bathroom which most people will use because Owen uses it and he's still not perfect when it comes to peeing in the toilet although he gets very, very close mostly but why clean until he's gone?
I remember when I was younger, we used to have parties all the time. People would come over, a spontaneous thing would occur and there we'd be and we lived in a house that was mostly windows in the back so you could go out into the backyard and it was like looking into a dollhouse with the front cut away and see into all the rooms and I loved that about that house, having grown up in a house where secrets were happening in every room and there were never parties. Never.
I would specifically go out back and look into that house and see the candles and the twinkle lights inside and the people I loved and I would stand there in my garden and I would think, "I have this. This is nothing like where I grew up, this is beautiful," and it was a joy to me.
I think about that now and I feel calmer. This is a different house, one I love so much, and there is no where to stand outside and see into all of the rooms but that's okay, people I love will be here and there will be twinkle lights and candles and hopefully music and children will be running about and there will be a fire in the backyard and oysters will be shucked and roasted and there will be coolers with ice and beer and the coffee pot will be ready for those who do not drink and no matter how many people come, most of them will gather in the kitchen which is not really that big and I just want people to have a good time.
I want people to have a good time.
I want the people, these people, that I love and have loved from so many different times in my life to come together and maybe have a conversation with someone unlike anyone they would ever meet in their daily lives which might, in fact, change their own lives or their own perspective and I know that has happened many times and I have been thinking a lot about how lately I have been dealing with life by being angry or mean or judgemental or thoughtless when really, that isn't how I want to be.
I think mostly I get scared. And it's okay to be scared or shy or anxious but it's not okay to turn that into a garment of prickles and knives, an armor of hurtful protection.
That's not what I believe in. That's not how compassion works or love and if I believe in anything, it is compassion and love.
And so that's what I am going to try to keep in the forefront of my mind today and tonight, too, instead of letting the ridiculous stress of it all overwhelm me, but to remember that grace can fall even into the messiest corners and the most anxious of hearts. That a heart can be like a house in that it must be open to the outside so that the light can go both ways and truly be felt and seen from within and without.
There is light in everyone. I know this. I want to see and recognize that.
Okay. Let this day begin. Come on boys. Time to play. Come on family. Time to hug and kiss and maybe swab the bathroom floor. Come on friends. Time to share it all.
I'll let you know how it goes.