Good Lord. I need a child to help me.I can't take a decent picture and I can't get the Magical Spinning Angel Chimes to work. They will not spin! I followed the directions!
This is ridiculous.
How the hell I am supposed to get into the holiday spirit if I can't even make the fucking Magical Spinning Angel Chimes go around and chime?
Wait. Ten minutes ago my children didn't know how to hold their heads up or poop on the potty or count to five. And I knew EVERYTHING. And I taught them everything.
Everything they know.
And now, suddenly, I have to call one of them to ask how to take a picture with the flash off.
Don't even get me started on how many times Miss HoneyLuna has had to instruct me, by phone, on how to get the TV to stop doing that thing it's doing.
I can see right now that assisted living is in my future.
Thank god I can still cook and make a martini.
When my grandmother got the senile dementia, the first thing she forgot how to do was cook.
The first thing I'm going to forget how to do when I get the serious dementia is how to scrub the toilet.
Meanwhile, the Magical Spinning Angel Chimes look pretty sweet, even if they won't spin.
And Evil Santa is all plugged in and ready to scare the youngsters.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
At the Moon's, anyway.
That Santa DOES look evil! AHHHH! (running away)
ReplyDeleteI love the evil Santa! And the fucking Magical Spinning Angel Chimes.
ReplyDeleteMy mother has to call me about the VCR. To which I say, who still has VCR's? And I had to call her the other night to ask her how to hard boil eggs. Such is life with mothers and daughters :)
Ginger- he's only evil when he's plugged in. Unelectrified he is sweet and kind. Which is why I plug him in.
ReplyDeleteSJ- you are correct about mothers and daughters. And isn't that a good thing?
Oh my goodness, I just read that you KNOW the movie Little Miss Firecracker?! No one else knows that movie! And Overboard?! Holy cow. How is it I have not read your blog before?!
ReplyDeleteChristmas To-Do List
ReplyDelete1. Take baby to see Santa at the mall
2. Drive around Tallahassee to look at Christmas lights
3. Drive around Lloyd to scare the shit out of the kids
4. Tell them that's the Santa that will visit if they are naughty
Ginger- two of my favorites! Yours too?
ReplyDeleteRobin- we live to serve. Bring the kiddies by.
the chimes are based on heat and lack of friction: once the candles are hot enough an updraft will force the fan blades to move. If not, you have to 1.give it a little push, and 2. check the spinning part as it sits on the shaft-add a tiny bit of olive oil to it-should help reduce the friction.
ReplyDeleteBam, fucking magical!
Thanks, Magnum! Now. What do you know about remote controls?
ReplyDelete"The first thing I'm going to forget how to do when I get the serious dementia is how to scrub the toilet"
ReplyDeleteME TOO! ;)
-michelle
Did you try flipping the chimes over? I'm pretty good with electrical stuff but I can't open packages- milk cartons, etc at all.
ReplyDeleteI was trying to explain the magic spinny bell ringer to Billy and Shayla and they just did not get the idea.
ReplyDeleteHaha, I love it when you call to ask how to remove the flash or use the tv, although I must say that doesn't speak well of me. It just lets everyone know that I use electronics too much. Now if you were calling me to ask how to use a telescope or how to fix a breaker or something smart, then I would be cool.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm happy to see Evil Santa up and the pretty, spinny angel candle up. It really is Christmas.
Michelle- yep. Gonna forget how to scrub those toilets. On the other hand, I seriously hope I don't forget how to USE them.
ReplyDeleteSally- I did try flipping that little thingee over. Didn't help.
DTG- well, I got this one at the Children's Lighthouse so maybe it's just flawed in some way but I'll try Magnum's suggestion. Billy and Shayla will have to come over and see how it works. If I can get it working.
Yes, HoneyLuna- I am decorating. I guess it is Christmas. A Christmas with no presents. So far. I'll work on that if the OVEN GUY EVER COMES AND FIXES MY OVEN! Which so far, he hasn't.
And you are cool, no matter what.
Wow. I really would like to see the magical spinning angel chimes that won't spin.
ReplyDeletegot rid of all the remote controls, I use Jedi mind tricks to manipulate electronics
ReplyDeleteOh Magnum. You do not.
ReplyDeleteI will just be glad when I can get rid of the damn tree...the cats have done a fine job of dispersing ornaments and silk poinsettias all over the house.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine what they would do with something that spins...
hahaha...
ReplyDeleteThe Evil Santa is amazing Ms. Moon!
And YES! I think the mother/daughter exchange is so GREAT. I need help with things like recipes for tuna casserole, and my larger than life questions about the meaning and purpose of life.
The funny part is, that us daughters really love the chance to give back a little bit of what you mothers have given.
I love your rants about Christmas... so many people paint on smiles, and happy holiday decorations this time of year, but you're REAL and that leaves me inspired.
I love the evil santa! You should keep him up all year!
ReplyDeleteAnd I was thinking about the Evil Santa on my lunch break. Santa is evil. He sends me into debt every year, since I have to buy presents from not only myself, but from SANTA. There is a reason you can rearrange his name and spell Satan.
ReplyDeleteRachel- seriously. Santa/Satan
ReplyDeleteHmmm.
Maybe that's what I have. A Satan Santa.
hahaha - this is the biggest laugh I've had all day!
ReplyDeleteand if I ever start losin' my mind, I think I'll not cook either - let someone else cook for me (I'm pretty spoiled there already anyway!)
I have a feeling that my biggest problem in the nursing home will be that they constantly find me in the kitchen, trying to cook some brown rice and pinto beans. I won't know my name, but I'll know how to cook brown rice and pinto beans.
ReplyDelete