Baby Steps

When I woke up this morning my mind was in a very dark place. The idea of going to the cabin, spending time there- well, it wasn't good. I almost decided to tell Glen that I wasn't going but how could I? 
I laid there, not sleeping, for at least half an hour, trying to convince myself that I was making far more of this than I should have. 
And of course I was. 
But that's what I was feeling- that darkness, and it was not good.
I finally got up and had a moment of vertigo. The room spun around me but I took a minute, breathed, the room sorted itself out again and I was able to center myself in it. I'm still not sure what that was about but I think surely it had something to do with my dread. 

Things didn't change much before we left and I was fairly quiet on the drive over. We stopped at Walmart to exchange my dutch oven for a non-chipped one and I got the shelf liner I wanted. I also bought fruit for our lunch and tortilla chips too. 

When we got to the cabin, Vergil and the boys were playing basketball. First thing, Vergil told Glen he'd really gotten a lot done since the last time he saw it. I know that pleased my husband. The boys were in good moods and wanted to go fishing. We'd trailered the small bay boat with us and they were so ready to get out on the water, fishing poles in hand. 

But first, of course, lunch had to be made and eaten. I wandered around the kitchen, trying to center myself in that room, a room that has given me the creeps with its olde timey, "Early American" decor. The hideous island was gone and that helped. So much more space. The shelf liner that Gibson had put in looked great and when I told Mr. Moon that he hinted that he'd done a little "fixing" of it after Gibson was gone. I am not surprised. The man cannot stand a crooked line. 
I had the Fiesta Ware which the boys were surprisingly interested in. I asked them both to pick out the color plates they wanted for their lunch and I hand-washed those and loaded the dishwasher with the rest of the dishes. 

Those things can even cheer up a dishwasher! 

I made a stupid-easy lunch of hot dogs that Mr. Moon had in the freezer along with buns also stashed there. It was not a big deal lunch at all but it was a big deal for me to put a pot on the stove, turn it on, and cook those hot dogs. The Walmart in Quincy only had one Dutch oven and it was not blue, like the one I was returning, but cherry red and I put it on the stove top, turned on the...burner?... and I surely did boil those dogs. 
I have to tell you that the water heated so fast. And of course the pot was too big for the six hot dogs I was cooking but it was what I had and why not? 
So that went well. There was fruit and there were chips and everyone was happy. Oh, and an entire jar of dilly beans got eaten. 

Vergil was working on our internet and I won't even pretend that I had any idea at all what he was doing but I think he fixed the problem of calls dropping. 
Do not ask me. I'm just grateful for him. 

After lunch I read a little to August and Levon. I had pulled my old, old copy of Sterling North's Rascal, a book I had read so much that I'd loved the thing almost to pieces.

 

This was the cover my copy had a long, long time ago when it still had its cover. 
I'm not going to try and give a book report here. I'll just say that it's a story of another time but timeless all the same. A boy whose mother has died, whose father is sweet and loving but distant to the point of almost invisibility, finds a baby raccoon and this is their story. 
As I read, there were parts of the book that I could almost recite word for word in my head. 
Levon was okay with it. "It might be my favorite book," he said. But he said that right before he took off to the dock to see what his dad was doing. August, however, was listening. He knows the power of story, that one. The power of story from the page. 
I sent it home with him. 

And then the men went fishing, indeed, taking the boat to a ramp at the marina, and Glen got to be in a boat on his lake for the first time. They didn't fish too long or stay out too long because it began to rain and then storm. 

While they were gone I decided to get busy. I put all the dishes in the dishwasher, ran a load, cleaned the counters, put some more shelf liner in the cabinet under the bar after I wiped the shelves off. And then I tried to decide how to arrange things.

Plates and bowls go where? Which cabinet? Should the glasses stay where Glen has been keeping them? What about the pots and pans, of which there are, so far, very few. And the bowls? The two pyrex casserole dishes I've bought at thrift stores? The colanders?
And where will I be keeping the food? 
Such important decisions. 

But as I worked and frittered and tried this and tried that, I was allowing that kitchen to become familiar. As I sprayed Fabuloso and vinegar and wiped things down, I felt like I was a dog, marking my territory with my own scent, and I have used this metaphor before but it is what I felt like. I did a load of towels and cleaning rags while I was there and I like the washer and dryer but it is the kitchen which is the heart of wherever I may be and that is where I put my energy. 

This is not where the pots and pans are going to go but I put them there for a minute to see how it felt. It felt like I wanted to put the food on those shelves. 

And then the men came back from fishing, a little wet and with no fish but happy and of course August and Levon were starving so more fruit came out and also boiled peanuts that Jessie had sent and some cookies that have been in my freezer since the last time I made cookies for my husband. 

And here's the thing that made me almost swoon. 

I opened the oven, expecting to find a regular black interior but no! It is blue. Blue, blue, blue. 
Sweet Baby Jeebus, I love it. 
I don't even want to bake anything in it because I do not want to mar its blue perfection in any way. 

I showed the boys. They were amazed. 

And by the way, August loves the shelf liner. 

And so I feel a little more aligned, a little more positive about the house. Not only did I arrange a few things, clean a few things, I also fed people in it. 
Perhaps not in the most healthy way but they were hungry and then they were not. 

Until they were hungry again. 
So it was a good day but I have to tell you- I am so tired I cannot believe it. That took more energy than working in the garden for three hours. 

Love...Ms. Moon 

P.S. I told the boys today that I am so old that I was there when the Big Bang happened. They laughed at that. August said, "Do you remember the dinosaurs?" 
"Of course!" I answered. 
"What kind of sounds did they make?" he asked.

"I don't know. Ears had not been invented yet," I said. 

I thought that was a pretty clever answer. They found it fairly amusing. I'm sure they think I'm crazy and I am fine with that.