Fear And Loathing Or At Least Fear And Disdain

I just finished a walk and I'm sweating so much that it's ridiculous and I am wondering if hot yoga is really any better for you than a regular hot walk and also wondering what, if anything, is good about being so damn hot and don't talk to me about detoxifying. That's one of those words I am highly skeptical of; well, the word and the theory.

I wonder if I was born a skeptic or just turned into one due to early childhood influences.

I'm having a bit of a hard time with anxiety today and it seems like I'm not the only one. One of the things I hate about anxiety is that it makes me think about stuff even more than I usually do which is already off the scale for good mental health. Today I am thinking a lot about religion and this whole voting in NC to say for the second time that the state in which Billy Graham resides will not tolerate nor recognize any damn gay marriage and fuck them and fuck Billy Graham who has spent an entire lifetime telling people what god wants and thinks and how to fucking be saved and go to heaven, meanwhile, fighting death with every tool of medical technology and knowledge that his vast fortune can buy. The vast fortune he has acquired by telling people what god thinks and wants and making people think that the words from his mouth come straight from that god who obviously wants him to be rich and live forever. What? He's not right enough with the Lord to die and go before him? He's not sure that Jesus has a gold throne already set up on his right side with his name on it?

Well, fuck that.

Why are these people so afraid of love and equality and freedom? And death, too, for that matter.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about.

Okay, partly it was.

I was also thinking about good and evil today and wondering if there is some sort of scientific explanation for the balance or nonbalance of those two things, sort of like daylight and darkness and if so, I doubt there's ever going to be a clear victory of one or the other. It would be like saying that daylight is winning over night time or damn, night time sure is getting darker all the time, isn't it?

Maybe we just need to learn how to make the best use of both. Night and day. Good and evil. Can evil be used for a purpose? Religion would have you think so. Frankly, I don't know and this is not a good comparison in that there is nothing inherently evil about darkness but it sure was scarier back before electricity was invented and we learned to blast darkness away with artificial light.

Some of us still can't sleep without a light on in the room. I get that.

Now I'm not afraid of the dark. I welcome it. But there are plenty of things I am afraid of and always have been. As with the skepticism thing- I don't know if I was born fearful or learned to be this way or maybe it was a combination of both but whatever, it is true. I am a fearful person.
I can't even talk about my fears for fear of making them manifest. And when they gather and create a denseness (a darkness) it is not a good time for me. But. I am old enough to realize that they will pass, or at least become manageable in my thoughts and I will have another day like yesterday was where I worked hard and didn't fuss over what-if's so much and just got to it and did the things that bring me peace which are pretty damn basic things like cleaning and cooking good food and so forth. I moved through the day with purpose. I didn't rush and I just moved from one thing to another, mostly enjoying whatever moment I was in and I sure as hell wish all days were like that but you know they're not. Some days you feel frantic and numb from worry and those days are a waste in my logical opinion and I am thinking about all of that today and trying to recapture that peace of mind of just going about my business and listening to my book on CD and trying not to hate ignorance and fear so much whether they are mine or those of Evangelicals who claim to know that god hates the idea of queers getting married, just as he used to hate the idea of a woman voting or of a black man marrying a white woman or even a black man eating at the same counter as a white man but then he changed his mind, god did, especially after the US government finally got its ass in gear and said, "That's enough of that bullshit," and I wish to hell we had enough people in our government today who had the balls of a Lyndon Johnson (say what you will about him) and called out that bullshit and did something about it.

Can I do something about my own fears?
Sure.

And I tell you this- I am not afraid of work and I am not afraid of the darkness and I am not afraid to say what I think, mostly, although sometimes I am afraid to say what I feel.

All right. I've cooled down from my walk. I've got things to do and I'm going to go do them now.

I'll check in with you later.

Love...Ms. Moon