Sunday, February 15, 2009

Well, Hell. I Tried.

So last week in a fit of some sort, I actually applied for a job at the local hospital. Yes. I did. Online.
It was for the "family unit" which is where they put the new mommies and babies and the years of experience required were ZERO.
I figured that even I could feel uteri and help with breastfeeding and check stitches (and why is it that doctors can't deliver a baby out of a vagina without doing an episiotomy and yet midwives can?) and oh, I don't know. I could do whatever they could train a monkey to do. Right?
So I filled out the online application and I admit my "work experience" was pretty lame and thin. I did work at a birth center years ago and I assisted the midwives during births and did postpartum care and did the three day postpartum check and I listed all of that stuff but I didn't list the part where I also cleaned out the hot tub, scrubbed the toilet, took out the trash, and did all the laundry afterwards.
Maybe I should have.
Because here's the answer I got back:
Thank you for applying to the position of RN/Family Care Unit FT 7a - 7p. This email is to notify you that another candidate will be chosen for the position. If you have an interview scheduled for this position please attend that interview as there may be multiple positions within the department that are still open.
Haha! As if I'd been scheduled for an interview. No way.
And I love that part where they say "another candidate will be chosen for this position."
Like, "Uh, we don't have anyone yet but we're certainly not going to choose you. Some poor schmuck will definitely walk in off the street who will be more qualified than you appear to be. But hey, thanks for trying."
And thank God because I don't think I could work for twelve hours in a row if my life depended on it.
Mr. Moon was beside himself with joy when I told him I'd applied for a job (although he tried mightily to restrain himself and hide that joy but hell, I've known the man for twenty-six years and I could tell) and he was sorely disappointed when I told him they'd rejected me without even an interview. I mean, the way they talk about the shortage of nurses, it sounds as if any old crone with a nursing license can make sixty thousand a year WITH benefits.
I guess not, though.
Oh well. Life goes on.
And probably more safely without me being responsible for any of it.
So instead of asking questions like, "Have you moved your bowels today?" and "Are you experiencing nipple pain?" and "And how's your bleeding today?" I'll be asking questions like, "Can I get you another beer?" and "Would you like chips with that?"
And I'd love to say that I'm thrilled about that and actually, I sort of am, but then again...babies.
Oh well. Lily's going to bring a new one into my life soon and HoneyLuna has a new baby, too. Sort of.
And I'm sure the entire planet would rock on its axis if I got paid for doing anything so in a way, we're all better off without me working in a hospital.
And I was feeling really, really depressed when I started writing this but now I feel better for some reason and I think I'll go out and dig up some border grass. It's hard work but no one's going to die if I do it wrong and I won't have to wear scrubs. Or even a bra.
Now if I could only get paid to do it....


  1. They would have hired you, had you gotten an interview. How could they have not? Their loss.

  2. They don't know what they're missing.
    But you'll be a wonderful grandma. How is your daughter feeling these days? She is in the surreal position of transforming you into a grandmother...a position I've been in, and I both celebrate and empathize, since she is, in fact, setting the stage for all those babies to come after hers. Her siblings will either applaud her or throw tomatoes...

  3. you would be a wonderful addtion to any maternity ward...hell I would have had my babies in a hospital if I had known you were there!

  4. Fabulous for you for putting it out there! It's more than I've done and we have been one month away from the soup line for the last 3 years!

    I don't like or believe in all this new job app stuff where you are discouraged or even forbidden by the employer to "go in person" or contact them by phone. It's a very frustrating proposition for those of us "hands on" personalities that do much better in person than on paper.

    The bar does sound much more fun, and anyway, I think that doing the hospital/baby thing would be frustrating for you on a bunch of levels. (The main one being that they still treat pregnancy like it's life threatening condition) etc...

    Proud of you.
    xo pf

  5. I wonder if they didn't have someone internally that they hired for the position. A lot of places do that, but they are legally obligated to run an ad anyway.

  6. Nicol- Not to sound unhumble or anything, but I was thinking that if they did interview me, they might be more impressed than they were on paper. So, it's probably a good thing I didn't get an interview.

    Rachel-Oh, Lily's siblings are all completely delighted. As are all the grandparents to be. I hope I'll be a good grandmother. I really do.

    Ms. Bliss- Thank-you! It would probably drive me crazy to be in the hospital atmosphere, though, after being in the home-birth/ birth center practices. They'd fire me in about two weeks.

    Petit Fleur- You are right. And you HAVE been working, raising that great Harley boy.

    GingerMagnolia- Could be. And really? That's fine with me.

  7. soap, soap, soap, soap, soap :)

  8. QuietGirl- as in making soap for money? Ah yes, Kathleen and I need to make plans for that.

  9. Just get a tattoo on your ankle or forearm or someplace visible so that you won't endanger yourself by actually working someplace where a tattoo would not be OK!
    And gingermagnolia is right. That's a very common practice because they have to advertise the position even though their favorite niece is already puttin' on her makeup for the job.

  10. Ms. Lo- I thought of that. I used to have too many ear piercings to work at the hospital but I've let them grow over. Well, some of them. But the tattoo idea is a good one. But what if I get bored with it? That's always my worry.

  11. The key to successful tattoo-ing is to make it something very personally meaningful. That way you won't get bored with it because it will always represent something special to you.
    Speaking from experience here, I have 2 tats, have had them for many years, and still love them!

  12. I always say I do things in "fits" of this or that, so I couldn't help but last when I saw this opening line :)

    12 hours a day is a little intense, especially for one easing back into the working world. Yikes.

  13. I meant that I couldn't help but LAUGH...not that comment up there :)

    I am a haphazard typer these days.

    And by the way, I think you would be a very soothing person to have in a delivery room, from what I have read of your writing so far on the experience. If I ever get knocked up, I'd sign you up as my nurse! :)

  14. I'm glad that you didn't get called back for that nursing job. You don't want it. Have you thought about talking to Molly at Best Beginnings to help her with breast-feeding classes or anything like that? I bet that would be cool- like a mix between working as a Weight Watchers leader and being a midwife.
    I just had three very long days at work, but I had a good time and I got lots of complements on a new skirt I bought. I worked Valentines Day for more than seven hours straight, sitting down once to pee. It was crazy! But I'm not complaining.
    I love you Mama!

  15. It would be impossible to number the amount of "we've selected another" emails I've received in the past several months. See you tomorrow!

  16. Rachel- I know you're right. I just don't know what that would be for me.

    SJ- Thank-you.

    HoneyLuna- I am so proud of you for working so hard. What does that skirt look like? We need to talk today.

    Jon- I know, but we WILL be selecting another candidate? I think it's a very funny choice of words.
    And yep! See you tomorrow. Can't wait.

  17. sooooo many times I have just needed my barkeep to lean over and ask...

    "are you experiencing any nipple pain?"

  18. Oh Magnum. You always make me laugh.

  19. As in I want to sell your soap someday as part as an online business I'm already devising. Not that Kathleen and you shouldn't make your own plans too. Just saying. I got plans :)

  20. I just love those cold, impersonal FU letters you get from employers because they make you feel like a loser. But alas you are not and like you said it probably works out better for all parties if you are not employed there. Hope your week is going well, and that is a great pic of you and Mr. Moon from your previous post. And thanks again for all of your kind words and support for Quincy dog.

  21. QuietGirl- keep me in the loop.

    Mr. Shife- you are the most polite young man ever. I always love your comments. (And doesn't that make me sound like an eighty-year old woman? Oh well.)


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