I feel strange today. Just floating on some sort of non-feeling wisp of a cloud. I have read, I have walked, I have done yoga, I have washed my car.
I never wash my car.
I seem to want to do mindless things. I've been listening to NPR most of the day, same as usual, but it isn't touching me. It's just words. Banks, stocks, ethanol, McCain saying he knows how to end wars.
So what?
The truth is the truth and whatever is happening in this world is happening, no matter what anyone says.
I loaded up some bags of recycle stuff to take down the road to Wacissa. Our trash place here in Lloyd is no longer accepting recycle, only household trash, so we're just stacking the bags of paper and glass and plastic and cans in the garage and I thought I'd make a dent in them today and then go on down to the end of the road and pick blueberries.
At the empty store on the corner, half a block from my house, the parking lot was filled with DOT cars. Filled. And people were walking around, talking on phones, measuring things. I didn't even ask them what they were doing, I just made the turn and drove on.
I got to the recycle place to find that they don't accept glass. Only plastic, paper, cardboard and cans.
Oh well. I threw the glass in the trash after sorting the cans and the plastic, throwing the papers and cardboard in the correct containers while the attendant leaned on his truck and watched me. Then I got in my car and drove down to find the blueberry place closed.
I didn't really care. Driving home mindlessly was pleasant, although part of me wondered if I should really be driving.
I wonder what in the world is going on with me? Am I losing my mind? Am I burnt out and shutting down? Is this really just a dream?
I am writing this. I have split peas simmering on the stove for soup. I have washed the car.
I am still here.
I feel strange.
The only way I can explain this mind/body disconnect is to use cliches: I could say that you're on 'auto-pilot.' You could be preoccupied (with what, I do not know) and 'all of your cylinders are not firing' - there could be a (figurative) loose spark plug or wire. Doing routine things while in this state should be OK. I wouldn't drive too far from home until you 'snap out of this' funk.
ReplyDelete"The truth is the truth and whatever is happening in this world is happening, no matter what anyone says."
ReplyDeletewith insight like that I would say you are more lucid than usual. If you aren't in pain go with it.
I had a guru in my life (a guru to me, not a certified card carrying guru) say:
ReplyDelete"Watch it go by like a train."
See if that works?
Yeah, MOB- I have stuff going on. I'm thinking brain tumor.
ReplyDeleteSurely not really.
Juancho- I will try to remain more lucid than usual.
Brother Ball- is there any other choice? Oh yeah, the one where I watch it go by like a rocket.
MOB is right- auto-pilot. I go there sometimes, too. It's a pleasant place, nothing really affects you and you can get lot done. Hey I saw the same sky as you. Did you see those wispy mare's tail clouds?
ReplyDeleteSounds like a fine mental state to me. Just fine. Floating....
ReplyDeletejust let it be no big deal (ie: not a brain tumor or any other ailment). Maybe a hammock ride would be nice. It's cool, just observe and go with it like Juancho said, and repeat after me:
ReplyDeleteI am healthy, strong, and safe.
I like your mantra, Ample! :) Thanks!
ReplyDeleteOh, Ample. I AM healthy and safe. Strong? Eh, workin' on it. Working on it.
ReplyDeleteI once had a "lost weekend"...that was for about 2 years...and I heard a "pop" and woke up - it was very odd...I found myself in a strange city with people I knew well, but didn't quite know how I ended up on the path I was on. That was the beginning to an end of one chapter and the start of another. It seems to me that if we don't allow the chapters to end when they should our minds make us move on to the next.
ReplyDelete