I'm A Happy Idiot

I did it! I sat my ass on the couch, watched "The Bear" and shelled all the peas I'd picked. It took a couple of hours but they were very pleasant hours and the peas seemed quite ready and willing to get naked. When I took that picture, I didn't realize how appropriate the expression on Jeremy Allen White's face was as he looked at my feet. 

I've had a good day. I've had a couple of very, very good days in a row as a matter of fact. I told Mr. Moon yesterday that oddly, I am as happy right now as I've probably ever been in my adult life, not counting the days right after having a baby which were always the best days for me but they were magic days and I'm talking here about regular days.
I'm not sure why this has happened, is happening. Of course I really did enjoy our trip but part of that, I believe, was because I simply didn't feel the need to stress about things.
Okay. There were a few things I felt like stressing about but none of them were really that bad. 
I think part of this current happiness is that the tide, as I say, is really in with my husband. Those of us in long-term relationships know that sometimes the tide is in and sometimes it is out. And right now, we are having some glorious high tides. 
Oh! If life could only always be this way! And when I'm happier, my husband is happier and when he's happier...I am happier. And so forth.

I am wondering if I am happy because I am not feeling stressed about things or if I'm not feeling stressed about things because I'm happier. Hank and I had a bit of a text conversation about this and we discussed things like how stupid yet complex the brain is, how it all has to coordinate with chemicals and hormones and memories and experiences and nerves and, oh, who knows? The weather? How our hair looks today? 
Finally, though, Hank said it best, as he generally does. He said, "We don't give ourselves enough grace."
When I read that, tears came to my eyes. It is so true. I am so hard on myself, so critical of myself, so disparaging of myself and why? But right now I'm not feeling that way. Here's another thing- I spend half my life, at least, worrying about my cognitive decline. Every time I turn around I seem to be losing bits and pieces of my brain function. And then the other fifty percent of the time I am brooding over that, fretting over that, and looking for even more proof. 
However, in the last few days with this wave of feelings of wellbeing, my brain seems to be working pretty okay. I mean, for a woman of my age. And I realize I am giving myself grace about it all. 
How odd. How weird. 
One thing that I do believe has influenced me are the words my friend Karen said to me when we were up in Tennessee for her fiftieth anniversary wedding. Karen lost a child some years ago to a horrible form of cancer and she will never be the same. Of that there is no doubt. But her smile is still so beautiful, her aura so pure and what she said is that she has learned to just go with what life presents her. Not to fight it. And I believe I may be internalizing that some. 
I hope so. 

Anyway, it's been absolutely wonderful and I am grateful. If I wake up tomorrow in my usual angst, I will at least know that this feeling is possible. 

I just wrote a long thing about a woman's videos on Facebook that I am currently obsessing over and then deleted it. Jessie has basically told me I'm being an asshole about this and she is right but we all have the right to be assholes about things, right? The woman is a dreadlocked white woman (not judging or anything) who, at the age of thirty, knows EVERYTHING and whom I believe has studied medicine at the online school of RFK, Jr. She also sells "natural" products she and her husband supposedly make including a lotion of some sort that works as a skin soother, a lube, a bug repellant and a healer of swamp crotch. 
After hearing what she has to say about the evils of regular washing with soap and water I would be a bit leery when it came to using any of her products, including the scented candles. 
Ooh boy. 
I hate to tell you how much pleasure it has been bringing me to write imaginary comments on these videos. I am again showing great restraint. They would do no good. The woman is too ignorant to know how much she does not know. I only hope that the free birth she has planned for her baby out of the utter trust in her own health and strength after having absolutely no prenatal care by either doctor or midwife goes well and that she and her baby come though it all safely. 

And that's about it for tonight. 
A time of goodness, a confession of foolishness. 

The pretty little vase in use in Lloyd. 

Love...Ms. Moon