I Am Going To Sleep For Twelve Hours. I Swear.

A blur.
That's what today has been.

Babies and boys, Owen standing near the top of the stairs yelling, "Destiny!" and holding his hands out to punch the big blue ball I was tossing up to him and where did he get destiny! and how does he know so much? How can a child get so much in his brain before the age of three and how can he run so fast and hide so quickly and how did he get so beautiful 

 and how did he learn to climb the Chinaberry tree by himself?

Where does he get the energy? Oh yes. Constant snacks. Peaches and Chex Mix and carrots and trail mix and bananas and cheese and watered-down orange juice and then two cheese toasts for supper. He never stops. Talking or running or hiding or let's-play-this-game-let's-do-this-puzzle-let's-grate-this-nutmeg-let's-play-Destiny-let's-go-outside-let's-go-see-my-new-goat-let's-chase-Elvis-let's-go-watch-Boppy-take-a-shower-no-you-can't-catch-me-watch-me-ride-my-horse-watch-me-I'm-a-monkey-I-want-to-smush-you-with-my-love.

The child can run on all fours like a lemur. Or a cheetah. Or...something.

Fast. Faster than I can walk. Like a crab on crack. His brother is constantly amused. I am constantly amazed.

And all the while I am holding Gibson unless he's in his walker or asleep, which is not that often. Bless that child's heart. He is so easy. He loves being kissed more than any baby I've ever known. When Lily handed him back to me when she was getting ready to leave, I swear to you, he hugged me. He grabbed me around the neck and leaned his little head next to mine and held on for the longest time. He held me so strong.
"Lily," I said, "I think he's hugging me."
"It sure looks like it," she said.
It felt like it. It did.

After Lily and the boys left, I tried to watch America's Next Top Model because I know one of the girls in it. I can barely stand to watch it, even so. It's so obvious that Tyra Banks and these...guys, women, judge-people are making a fucking fortune off these young women who think they are being handed the opportunity of a lifetime. They have no idea they are being used and abused and ripped off. It makes me angry and sad. It also makes me wonder if I paid more attention to my make-up and wardrobe my husband would not be so apt to go hunting.

I doubt it.

But one never knows.

It's been raining on and off all day. I am going to go and try to create some sort of semblance of order in my house and go lay my body down. It's been a long day. A long week. I walked some miles. I lifted some weights. I took care of my grandsons. I made some good food. I swept floors and I read books and I wrote a few things and I washed dishes and did laundry and changed sheets and I went out and I stayed home and why, why WHY do I think that my life is so full of nothing?

I have no idea.

My god I'm tired.

Tomorrow.

Yes.

Until then.