The trouble with not sleeping well is that there is no border between yesterday and today and thus, no defining wall which would allow us to believe that yes, that was yesterday's bit of insanity, today we can begin again.
I am quite aware of the fact that no day really ends and no day really begins (time is possibly more like a river than what is portrayed on the calendar) but sleep surely does give that lie the nod, that illusion, the embroidered stitches which help us to define it to ourselves. And if sleep is chopped up and taken in drips and drabs here and there throughout the night, we feel that we have passed into another day without the reward of unconsciousness which we need so desperately to accept that illusion of Tomorrow being Another Day.
No. Tomorrow is not another day, tomorrow is four o'clock in the morning when we are rusty-eyed and not capable of appreciating much about The New Day and would cheerfully shoot Annie as she sings from the stage, her red hair quivering with the emotion in her song about Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you, Tomorrow, You're Always a day away! and her little dog Sandy, too.
If you do not sleep well, there is never a tomorrow, but only the same day with the same worries and same crazies, never-ending, never that time to clear away the cobwebs, no knitting up the raveled sleeve of care.
Well.
What the fuck are you gonna do? Drink your smoothie with mango and pineapple and fresh blueberries, put on your walking clothes and lace up your shoes, get on with it before this day becomes so hot you can't make it home without puking. You're going to pretend that today is a new day. You're going to just presume that it is, no matter how you feel about it.
What else can you do?
For one thing, quit reading the dystopian stories in the New Yorker at three in the morning.
Here I go, it is today, tomorrow will be also. I'm swimming past that tree right there and tomorrow I'll be floating past that tree down there or crossing a day off the calendar or something...something.
Whatever and either way, there is only jumping in over and over and over again and that's what we do, and we do what we can and maybe there will be a tonight when we sleep it all through and done.
I sleep great every night...for a half hour. If I can roll over without (my brain kick starting) and finish undoing Elizabeth Cuthberts bikini, all goes well. Usually I start thinking about oil changes, my boss, and how I wished I didn't say something in 1986.
ReplyDeleteJust enjoyed reading your blog. A well maintained sleep is a must for healthy body and mind.
ReplyDeleteYou will mot believe this! Somewhere around 4am I started to write a blog entry called, "I can't sleep!". Then the post consisted of all the things I did in the time that I should have been sleeping but couldn't. But that felt lame and 3 posts in one-ish days was all too much for me so I erased it all. I think i slept between 5 and 8 am and i feel like shit this morning and beyond slopping some cat food down in the cats' unwashed bowl, i am still just laying here. If I were more motivated I too should take a walk to clear this fuzzy head but I am taking an aqua aerobics class tonight and God forbid I exercise more than once each day...
ReplyDeleteI haven't slept through the night since Harvey died till very recently, but now the insomnia is back.
ReplyDeleteInsomnia is hellish... I am sorry that you are plagued with it...
ReplyDeleteNap. Take one. Or two. Naps are delicious and I know you know this.
ReplyDeleteI can't relate; I know it exists, but I can't imagine Insomnia. I sleep too well, sometimes now getting 9 hours, which is too much sleep for sure-I got things to do! I would like to only get a solid 6 hours and be good. Or better, a solid 5 hours with a one hour nap.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could sell my sleep credits.
Sleeping badly is awful. I can't remember when I last slept through a whole night without waking....just have to find things to occupy the mind at 4 AM that are interesting and occupy you. Mathematical problems....?
ReplyDeleteI sleep for the most part for about 6 hours. Last night, I didn't stay up until 1:30 AM but opted to shut the lights at 11:00. And slept until 6:30 this morning. My body wakes up and there is no laying there then. On the boat, I sleep like a baby and wake up after 8 AM sometimes. There is something about being on that boat--peace and no interference from anything else.
ReplyDeleteI have insomnia so bad I am a danger. When I am awake I am "shining like a new dime." But when I am tired, I am just literally unlovable and unmoving.
ReplyDeleteI wake up at 3:30 sometimes 4:30 and I just get up. I could paint the kitchen and clean it, too. and then I go to work and lecture for four hours.
I am getting hot flashes, too.
And my periods are so heavy I am thinking of getting the home hysterectomy kit and doing it myself.
God help me. How long is this crap going to last.