Holy mother of god; Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I am tired.But it's okay. It's not a bad tired and I am in the amazing position of having not one thing I need to do. Not really. Mr. Moon has gone to auction and Owen has gone home and the chickens don't need anything except for me to shut their door against predators when they go to bed and I have leftovers out the yang for my supper.
So.
Just me. And my land line is broken and my cell phone has like almost no charge and Mr. Moon took our one charger (seriously) to auction with him so if you need me, you better just e-mail me because by some gift of the magi, my internet is still working. Yet another mystery I do not care to explore but just accept and accept gracefully.
Amen, Hallelujah and pass the crushed red pepper.
There are so many things I was thinking about talking about. One was disassociation which is that weird thing you do when you're in a situation when you're really, really not sure you want to be in it so you're sort of floating above it and have to keep calling your body and mind to merge and be in your seat again.
That's what I do in medical situations so I have been disassociating a lot and I am fighting that. I want to be fully aware and present for Kathleen and I have found that the best way to deal with the problem is to grab someone's hand. Kathleen probably thinks that I grab her hand to comfort her but really, it's for me. It's a selfish grabbing. Is that okay?
And I wanted to say that I feel somewhat guilty over my last night's post about Gwyneth Paltrow. As I said, it was a cheap shot. I shouldn't be picking on anyone, even a preternaturally thin blond celebrity who obviously has eating issues.
And I wanted to talk about North Florida in the month of July and August too. How hot and humid it is but it's hot all over the world and I know that and I'm not complaining. I'm just saying that it's extremely oppressive and it's the time of year we all need to make slow, deliberate moves and watch where we're stepping or grabbing because if it's not snakes, it's poison ivy and it's almost impossible to get as much water into our bodies is as we sweat out of them, and besides that, we don't have gills and the air is as thick with water as it can get and I'm not kidding. The rain comes and it is a relief and a joy but then the ground steams and it's like we're all walking around in a sauna and yes, saunas are healthy but not especially to live and work in.
And I wanted to say that Owen is walking more voluntarily and with more assurance and that he didn't kiss me although he did kiss the dolly I have for him to play with in the bathroom. It's okay. I stole about a million kisses from him and he's none the worse for it, as far as I can tell.
Here's a picture of him, hot and sweaty and with a rain drop or two on his face after we went to the post office. He's holding a card from dear Billy and Shayla who sent me some pictures of our boys which are now on the refrigerator.
And I wanted to say that I finally, FINALLY got my star magnolia planted and boy, does that make me happy and it probably makes the magnolia even happier. It had busted out of its pot but now it's tucked into the ground in my back yard and that's a comfort and a glory.
So I guess that's about it from Lloyd, Florida. My little life here in the heat and humidity of North Florida on July 12, 2010.
Let me just end with a quote from Walt Whitman which my dear friend K. sent me and I'm not sure why but I'm glad he did. I keep reading it and trying to measure myself against it and then stopping myself and just enjoying it for its beauty and remembering that we all have much to strive for, especially me, as imperfect as I am, but trying to remember to love the lines of my lips and face and to regard the spaces between my eye-lashes as being as fluent as anything I could write.
Amen. Hallelujah. Pass the crushed red pepper and perhaps mascara is not a bad thing.
This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul; and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body… — Preface to Leaves of Grass, 1855
