I did it! I sat my ass on the couch, watched "The Bear" and shelled all the peas I'd picked. It took a couple of hours but they were very pleasant hours and the peas seemed quite ready and willing to get naked. When I took that picture, I didn't realize how appropriate the expression on Jeremy Allen White's face was as he looked at my feet.
I've had a good day. I've had a couple of very, very good days in a row as a matter of fact. I told Mr. Moon yesterday that oddly, I am as happy right now as I've probably ever been in my adult life, not counting the days right after having a baby which were always the best days for me but they were magic days and I'm talking here about regular days.
I'm not sure why this has happened, is happening. Of course I really did enjoy our trip but part of that, I believe, was because I simply didn't feel the need to stress about things.
Okay. There were a few things I felt like stressing about but none of them were really that bad.
I think part of this current happiness is that the tide, as I say, is really in with my husband. Those of us in long-term relationships know that sometimes the tide is in and sometimes it is out. And right now, we are having some glorious high tides.
Oh! If life could only always be this way! And when I'm happier, my husband is happier and when he's happier...I am happier. And so forth.
I am wondering if I am happy because I am not feeling stressed about things or if I'm not feeling stressed about things because I'm happier. Hank and I had a bit of a text conversation about this and we discussed things like how stupid yet complex the brain is, how it all has to coordinate with chemicals and hormones and memories and experiences and nerves and, oh, who knows? The weather? How our hair looks today?
Finally, though, Hank said it best, as he generally does. He said, "We don't give ourselves enough grace."
When I read that, tears came to my eyes. It is so true. I am so hard on myself, so critical of myself, so disparaging of myself and why? But right now I'm not feeling that way. Here's another thing- I spend half my life, at least, worrying about my cognitive decline. Every time I turn around I seem to be losing bits and pieces of my brain function. And then the other fifty percent of the time I am brooding over that, fretting over that, and looking for even more proof.
However, in the last few days with this wave of feelings of wellbeing, my brain seems to be working pretty okay. I mean, for a woman of my age. And I realize I am giving myself grace about it all.
How odd. How weird.
One thing that I do believe has influenced me are the words my friend Karen said to me when we were up in Tennessee for her fiftieth anniversary wedding. Karen lost a child some years ago to a horrible form of cancer and she will never be the same. Of that there is no doubt. But her smile is still so beautiful, her aura so pure and what she said is that she has learned to just go with what life presents her. Not to fight it. And I believe I may be internalizing that some.
I hope so.
Anyway, it's been absolutely wonderful and I am grateful. If I wake up tomorrow in my usual angst, I will at least know that this feeling is possible.
I just wrote a long thing about a woman's videos on Facebook that I am currently obsessing over and then deleted it. Jessie has basically told me I'm being an asshole about this and she is right but we all have the right to be assholes about things, right? The woman is a dreadlocked white woman (not judging or anything) who, at the age of thirty, knows EVERYTHING and whom I believe has studied medicine at the online school of RFK, Jr. She also sells "natural" products she and her husband supposedly make including a lotion of some sort that works as a skin soother, a lube, a bug repellant and a healer of swamp crotch.
After hearing what she has to say about the evils of regular washing with soap and water I would be a bit leery when it came to using any of her products, including the scented candles.
Ooh boy.
I hate to tell you how much pleasure it has been bringing me to write imaginary comments on these videos. I am again showing great restraint. They would do no good. The woman is too ignorant to know how much she does not know. I only hope that the free birth she has planned for her baby out of the utter trust in her own health and strength after having absolutely no prenatal care by either doctor or midwife goes well and that she and her baby come though it all safely.
And that's about it for tonight.
A time of goodness, a confession of foolishness.
The pretty little vase in use in Lloyd.
Love...Ms. Moon
you are lucky you have all your adult children living nearby you
ReplyDeleteOh, I know this with all of my heart.
DeleteIs it our right to be an asshole? It seems to be there are better things to be.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm. Well. Depends on what sort of assholery we are talking about, I would assume.
DeleteI really like your vase. Is that Hull pottery? Giving ourselves 'grace' is indeed important. T'aint easy to do, though. I think...yea, I got that now...then I don't.
ReplyDeleteEven though I worked in psych for 26 years...you sure wouldn't know it some days. Oh well. C'est la vie. My French is poor, too.
Paranormal John
It looks just like the Hull pottery online but I can find no markings. Whatever it is, I just love it.
DeleteDo you think that not giving ourselves grace may be a sort of very horrible coping mechanism? What I mean is, when we beat up on ourselves, we not only feel on familiar ground, but we also feel as if yes, we have proved once again that which we really believe about ourselves which is that we aren't worthy of our very own love which is sort of a defining belief we have about ourselves.
I don't know. But I think we probably all need to work on it.
Well, if you'd worked in surgery for 26 years, you might still need to get your appendix removed, you know? I think a lot of people who go into psychiatry on a professional level are, at the very root of it, trying to figure themselves out. And there is nothing wrong with that.
I have NO French so...C'est la vie here, too.
Give ourselves more grace.... I've never been very good at that but I am getting better at it I think. Here's what I have decided for myself instead of responding to such crazy talk: "I neither respond to nor debate with MAGAts, they never have anything intelligent to say". I'm just trying to get through it all with my sanity intact. Here's hoping for better days ahead.
ReplyDeleteIt's so funny how humans are so apt to throw ourselves into these belief systems, be they religions or political sects or lifestyles that at the end of the day are truly cults. It is so much easier to let someone else do the thinking for you, you know?
DeleteAnd you are exactly right- once someone is in a cult of any sort, it is nearly impossible to make them see the ridiculousness of their thinking or to change their minds. In fact, that just makes them double down.
I, too, hope for better days.
I am very happy that you are having some truly happy days and hope they continue. Hank is very wise, as is Jessie. Medical School of RFK Jr?? oh dear.
ReplyDeleteI tell you what- those few days were heaven. Just heaven. I feel a little more like myself today and I DON'T LIKE IT! Oh well. It's not so bad.
DeleteAll my children frequently surprise me with their wisdom.
I saw one video that woman made about how if you are in good health and don't mess up your immune system with things like too much washing or pasteurized milk, you don't need vaccines and besides, they don't work anyway. That's when I knew she was definitely an RFK, Jr. School of Thought graduate.
Im in love with Hank! What brilliant kids you raised! And I met Jessie too! Love the peas and feet photo!
ReplyDeleteWell, we all think our baby ducks are the smartest and most beautiful but it's nice to hear confirmation from others. I think you have some pretty awesome kids and grands, too.
Delete"I believe has studied medicine at the online school of RFK, Jr" -- hahahahaha, you do have such a way with words!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteSometimes I see people post things that I will never agree with and that definitely rile me up. Like you I write long scathing posts in my head and then inevitably choose to walk on by. I don't want to get into a muck-slinging fight with someone on the internet and my mental health and happiness are so much better for not "going there"!
ReplyDeleteYou are right! We are all better off leaving these idiots to their own ridiculousnesses. But I find it very entertaining to make up the comments that I WOULD send them in my head.
DeleteHank would be so wonderful to know. There should be a book, “The World According to Hank,” but he would never be that presumptuous. He’s right. We don’t give ourselves enough grace.
ReplyDeleteI marvel, sometimes, rarely, at how good I feel. I’m not in one of those spaces currently, but OK. I love that you’re up. I know happiness affects my stress levels and my stress levels affect my happiness. Wish I could figure out how to manage that. More grace!
The woman on Facebook sounds like an idiot. So hard to control the urge to say something, but such a waste of time. Maybe it’s time to block her so you don’t see what she has to say. I’ve done that on a few people who ruined my days.
Now you know what? I think "The World According to Hank" would be a fabulous book and would be a great boon to humanity.
DeleteAnd no, we do not give ourselves enough grace. I think you have problems with that too, dear Mitchell.
Generally if I am simply feeling relatively at peace and content, I consider that to be all the happiness I need. This is even rare. But to have found myself feeling (dare I say it?) happy, is completely different. I don't think I really realized that. This doesn't seem right, does it?
I don't have to block this woman. All I have to do is not open her videos. I'm just about there. Instead of being amused at her ignorance, I am starting to just be completely disdainful.
Back in the 80's I knew a woman who had a free birth. She couldn't afford either an abortion or medical care for the pregnancy. It turned out okay, but people were horrible to her because of it. I simply cannot understand how that has become such a niche thing now. One stroll around an 18th century cemetery will disabuse anyone over the safety of that situation. I am glad that you are finding yourself in a good place mentally. I hope you dwell there for a good long time.
ReplyDeleteI was talking to Jessie about how things seem to be taken to a far deeper level than what my generation wanted to change. We really hated the way birth was treated and handled in hospitals and we took it upon ourselves to educate ourselves and demand changes based on actual facts, not dreamy, dopey, dangerous beliefs. And changes were made. Not enough, but some things are better. Maybe. Some are worse.
DeleteStill, I do very much believe in home birth IF it is handled and attended by a trained midwife or doctor and if prenatal care is given and if the risk of complications appears to be quite low.
But this free birth thing is right up there with the fad that was going on for awhile of women wanting to birth their babies with dolphins about. Just...no.
And yeah- a visit to even a 19th century cemetery will not only disabuse anyone of the notion that's a good idea, it should also make people realize that vaccinations do indeed work and prevent so much disease, death, and heartbreak.
We are all someone's asshole.
ReplyDeleteThis pseudo science stuff is so weird. They are so very certain about their 'facts' and it just doesn't make sense in some cases.
Ain't that the truth, Debby? I do not mind appearing to be an asshole if I'm pretty sure I'm not. At least under my own definition.
DeleteI am so with you on the pseudo science. Where the hell are people getting their so-called proof? They wouldn't know a peer-reviewed study if they saw it. The woman I was talking about even does sort videos where she says, "Fact of life..." and then goes on to say things like, "Water holds memory," and shows herself wading in a river.
Okay. At least that one wasn't potentially harmful. I guess.
Water: "I remember these legs, these feet, nice to feel you again" 🤣🤣🤣
DeleteDelighted to hear of your bliss and happiness... I also hope you dwell there for a long time and relationship tides stay in. As for the Online Woman, glad you aren't judging her by being White with Dreadlocks {Winks}... hope her Free Birth goes safely for her and Baby but it is risky for both. And I guess we all can be someone's Asshole at times. Especially about what's being hawked and seems Suspect. I just had a bad experience ordering something that turned out to be Fake and Intellectual Property Infringement that I felt the need to Report. There's always someone out there working their Hustle and they really are the true Assholes, not you responding to one.
ReplyDeleteWhite women can wear all the dreads they want and that's fine with me but everything about this woman annoys me and as one commenter said, "Her hair just looks like it smells so bad." Seeing as how she is a big believer in not washing frequently, I think that might be true.
DeleteShe's just so CERTAIN that she and her baby know what they are doing. That, in and of itself, is ludicrous. I trust the birth process as much as anyone and despise seeing medical interventions that are not only unnecessary but cause complications of their own but dear Lord, read a fucking midwife textbook or something. Anything.
Good for you for reporting that company! It is almost impossible these days to know what is genuine and what is pure bullshit.
Oh my sweet Mamacita. It fills my heart to hear of your happiness. Hank is not only one of the best of us, he is so gently wise. Funny enough, I have been feeling the opposite. And Hank, of course, has been giving me all the grace in the world while I apologize for my mere existence in this state. Brains are such funny, complex things. One thing is for certain and that is my gratitude to the universe for bringing Hank and myself together and allowing me into this magical family.
ReplyDelete-Rachel
Hope you are feeling better soon, Rachel. xo
DeleteOh, honey. Why do we apologize for being the way we are so often when we absolutely NEVER choose to be this way, feel this way? My god. Having an understanding partner is such a blessing. I know that Mr. Moon has come to understand that he cannot "make" me feel better when I'm going through it but that just by being here, being sweet, he is doing exactly what I need to be done. Hank can give you grace. Glen can give me grace. We need to give ourselves grace and that is so much easier said than done.
DeleteI, too, am eternally grateful that you and Hank are partners, going through this life together. You mean so much to each other and to all of us.
I wish my friend with mental health issues would understand that I can't "make" him better, nor can anyone else. All I can do is be there but I'm at the point where I hope he doesn't visit too often.
DeleteA daily "Sayings of Hank" would be a real mental health boost for so many.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hate hearing stories like the woman planning a "free birth" (something I've never heard of as a voluntary thing....plenty of people don't have any choice and some pay a terrible price, or worse the baby who had no voice in the choice pays a terrible price. Sigh. Sort of like being stuck driving by a terrible highway accident.
Ceci
Yes. Freebirth has become a thing here and from what I've read, it's a global thing now, and I suppose that it's a testimony to the birth process that more serious complications are not happening. Or being reported at least, although there have been some extremely negative outcomes reported.
DeleteSee my response to Lisa's comment above.
"Sayings of Hank" have been a part of my learning and living for fifty years now, or at least ever since he began to talk. He has consistently blown me away with his wisdom, even as a very small child.
I'm glad you are feeling so happy, Mary.
ReplyDeleteOh gosh. It has been wonderful although the feeling is fading now. Oh well. It DID happen and can happen again, I assume.
DeleteGood days. Karen is right, just go with what life presents. My sister fought life every step of the way until she finally stroked out. If she didn't have something real to stress over she would make shit up in her head to stress over. She was constantly at odds with life and basically an unhappy person. Me? I just go with the flow. It's just so much easier. Life unfolds as it will. You can fight it but (using a river analogy) you're going downstream anyway.
ReplyDelete"...you're going downstream anyway."
DeleteI love that. I am going to remember it. So true, so very, very true.
Hold those thoughts: Hank and Karen are right.
ReplyDeleteDoing what makes you happy is all important.
Let go of the negatives. They will only take you down a less than ideal and stress filled path. That is my motto and it works for me!
It is not within my nature to let go of all the negatives. I just don't think it can be done with me. But I can surely try not to give them the weight they do not deserve.
DeleteA woman who wants a free birth you say, the mortality rates for babies and moms rise dramatically for free births. I'm not a fan of medical interventions but I had two very difficult births out of three and I'm glad I had my doctor there. But facts don't change people's minds or beliefs sadly. As Forrest said, stupid is as stupid does.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you had a few good days and yes, you need to give yourself some grace woman, just like I need to. I wish we lived close enough to hug and have tea.
I was so grateful to my midwife for having the knowledge and equipment she needed when I had what are seen as normal complications but which, left tended by someone who had no knowledge of how to deal with them, could have resulted in some serious, serious outcomes. Or you know- left untended by anyone except a couple whose entire knowledge about the process and possible problems is based on, "Everything will go fine if you just believe in the natural process."
DeleteWe should all wear bracelets or get tattoos that say, "Let us all give ourselves grace." And yes, hugs and teas from and with you would be so very precious.
Hank's words really strike home for me, too. I'm not forgiving of myself at all (as we've seen with my stolen camera incident) and "grace" is a word I need to employ more often.
ReplyDeleteThat woman sounds insufferable. The disdain that so many people show for educated expertise is a troubling Trump-era trend. (How's that for alliteration?)
You're right, Steve. You do NOT give yourself grace. I bet you beat yourself up as much as I do. LET US STOP IT NOW!
DeleteSure.
Insufferable is correct. And like I said either in a comment on your blog or in a response to a comment on mine (I can't remember), "misinformation" is not just a trend. It's the reality these days. And there are so many fools who don't even care that what they're saying and believing is pure and utter nonsense.
Excellent alliteration and I do love a good alliterative phrase.
Another reason to drop the evil manipulating facebook disease...There are so many reasons.
ReplyDeleteHank hit the mark.
Well, Facebook owns Instagram and there really is no getting around it unless we refuse to participate in any of it. And some people can do that! I wish I were one.
Delete