A Little In-Service On Agoraphobia

Since the freezes of last week, I do not have one open camellia blossom in the entire yard while four years ago on this very date, that was just a small part of the bounteous beauty we were experiencing. On top of that, my garden this winter has been the least successful winter fall/winter garden I've ever had that I can remember. I know, I know. I've already mentioned this. It's all just such a disappointment. Not one damn pot of greens have I made. 

Perhaps this all has something to do with my mood today although probably not. It began before I got up which was so late that instead of trying to keep me in the bed, Maurice came and stuck her face up next to mine to see if I was alive. I was and I was also awake, just unable to throw the covers back and face the chilly day. I finally did but it was hard. I had been tired last night for sure. An inadequate night's sleep on Tuesday night, an early rising, a busy day, and then a power outage and oh, the brain power I had to use to figure out to flip the main switch in the box from "off" to "on," not to mention the physical strength it took me to do the job. 
Right.
So sure, sleeping late wasn't a big deal and quite possibly something I needed but I think it had more to do with not wanting to face something I needed to face which was an invitation that had come via text before I went to sleep from one of my oldest friends who is planning a party to be held in March in a different state. If I were of sound mind and body, this would only be a joy, but because of what I'm fairly sure is getting dangerously close to a full-blown case of agoraphobia. I used to joke that I wasn't really agoraphobic, I simply really loved my house. 
And there is truth in that. There are few places I like as much as I like my house although one of the reasons I love my house so much is that I feel safe here. 
This is my territory. My space. My things are here. Whatever I might need I have in this house. There's no one here to judge me and the likelihood of anything causing me to have a sudden panic attack is low, and if I did have one, I would be in my safe place where I could recover. 
Oh, hell. That's just a small part of it all. 
This reminds me of something I said in pottery class yesterday, almost as an aside to myself which was, "What is WRONG with me?" and then answered the question saying, "Where do we begin?"
Sometimes I do feel that way. So...paralyzed...by all the various chemical, biological, environmental, past trauma ingredients that I am denying myself pleasure and enjoyment because of ridiculously imagined situations I might find myself in and the irony in that is that I don't even imagine horrible or tragic situations like plane crashes or car accidents or being trapped in a fire or, well, anything like that. My fears and anxieties are so nebulous. I think a lot of it has to do with the routines I keep which hold my anxieties at bay. If I stick to my daily routine within a reasonable time frame, I feel in control. 
Master of my domain? 
Yes. Exactly.
And while traveling, the familiar is completely erased, the routine is made impossible. 
And this terrifies me. 

So. Knowing that in reality, I truly want to go to this party for many and various and very good reasons, I have to face all of this. I have to begin the process of talking myself down, of making arrangements that are comfortable for me, of knowing deeply and truly that I will be fine and I will be so glad to have done this.

Phew. It's a lot. For me, at least. 

On top of all of this, I am sure my husband wants to go. This man who thinks nothing at all of flying or driving to Canada, has his own connections to the people involved with this party and a deep geographical connection too. 
In short, I have to go. 

He's home now. He got in a little while ago and he had a rather disappointing week. He was truly looking forward to fishing on Lake Seminole with a guy who has fished it for years and knows the best places to catch different specific types of fish, the shallow parts that are hard to navigate in a boat, the...whatever it is that fisherpeople need to know. And besides that, he just didn't get a lot done. 

Well, neither did I. I have finished all the patching I'm going to do on these corduroy overalls and am wearing them as we speak. I've started watching a drama mini-series based on a book by Walter Mosley that I just finished listening to. The series follows the book closely and I'm pretty sure Mosley wrote the screenplay. Samuel L. Jackson plays the lead character and I doubt I need to say anything about his abilities. The supporting cast is excellent as well. I am sure the series is not for everyone so look it up before you jump in. Or just watch this trailer. 

I think it's an excellent production and well worth watching. 

While I was mining old posts for pictures of beautiful camellias, I came across this. 

That is Baby August. Do you remember when he used to call himself "Little Boppy"?
Oh my heart. 

And that's all I have to show and tell tonight. 

Love...Ms. Moon