Stars And Planets And Being Out After Dark

Dear god. Different day. As usual.
Does that even make any sense?
No.
Whatever.

I walked on the sidewalk today and what I thought was a three mile walk was a four mile walk. I wondered why it was taking me so fucking long. I did stop to chat to a gent who sits by the road, sometimes holding his great grandson. He's seventy years old and has been married fifty years. He was nineteen when he got married, his wife was fifteen. He enjoys married life. He has a twin brother. He has nine other siblings. He was raised in Monticello. He doesn't drink or smoke but he has diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and a tumor in his brain stem but he's doing okay. Sometimes he gets headaches, but mostly he's fine.
Then his great grandson came out and I tied his shoes for him. He was awfully cute. Then I walked on home.

When I got here I realized the chip mulch fairy had indeed visited. He left me another huge mound of chip mulch.
Ooh boy.
I will tell you that it sure does smell good. Woodsy. Piney. Leafy. Green. Nice.
It's like two ginormous piles of fresh potpourri in my yard but it doesn't stink like potpourri. It smells delightful.

I worked on Maggie's little dress some. I did laundry. Two friends dropped by. Then I went to Owen's basketball practice. At five o'clock in the afternoon. Which is practically dark.

Here's what Maggie looked like.

Here's what Gibson and I looked like. 

Boppy met us there but he left right after to go to an FSU basketball game and Lily and I took the kids to a pizza joint where they have face painting on Wednesdays and part of the night's take goes to Owen's school. It was chaos. THEN I went to Publix.
Jesus. By then it was truly dark. I do not go out by myself after dark except to put the chickens up and look at the stars. But I did it. I must really like those grandchildren a lot. I must even love them.
A lot.

I got home safely and did not hurt anyone nor even run over a squirrel or anything.

I sure am glad to be home. I did go out and put the chickens up and looked at the stars which are brilliant tonight. They are like diamond chips scattered on jeweler's velvet.

Here's a picture Lily sent me of Owen, reading after his shower.

Another star in the firmament of my universe.

And oh hell, why not? Here's a picture I got of August today.

Maybe my grandchildren are not stars. Maybe they are planets, whirling and swirling and awash with life and salt water and light and soulshine.

All I know is, I love them.
A lot.

Love...Ms. Moon

And The Good News Is...Wait. I'll Have To Get Back With You On That

I think I'm getting sick, finally, after everyone else in the family has had it- the gack, the hoopacoodis, the whatever-this-virus-is that I'd convinced myself I had to be immune to.
It's foggy as hell and no mulch fairy came in the night and spread that stuff around which is also depressing.
Here's another thing- the house dreams are back in full (thanks, antidepressant!) and although the totemic houses are becoming combined in the dreams, the vast amounts of garbage and trash in them only increases. I am happy to report, however, that no one seemed to need me to cook for them and I didn't see one appliance so that's good.

Ah, Jeez.

I'm sixty-two years old and seemingly as confused about life, my own and in general, as I've ever been and as aimless and directionless as I've ever been and the world seems as weird as it's ever been although that's probably not true if you think about World Wars and the plague and stuff like that. I will say that there are plagues and there are plagues and some are bacterial and are carried by vermin and some are not bacterial but are still carried by vermin and both have massive negative effects on the planet.

Well, how's that for cheerful news?

I think I'll go take a walk in the fog, seeking enlightenment which makes about as much sense as anything.

Love...Ms. Moon

Cooking Greens While The World Falls Apart

I made but little progress on the huge pile of chip mulch. I texted my husband saying, "This may be a job for two men and a boy," and then, "I'm just not 58 anymore."

After my walk and then the small amount of work I did pitchforking mulch, I simply had to go lay down.
And sleep.
Which I did.

It was heavenly.

I got up and started on Maggie's little outfit. Little being perhaps the key word.

I'm terrible at visual spatial things, just awful, and I can't look at these and decide whether they'll go around Magnolia's tummy or not. I'll measure her again before I put the elastic in them and I suppose that if they're too small, perhaps that skinny monkey August could wear them for pajama bottoms, at least. I'm listening to Sunshine on Scotland Street by Alexander McCall Smith and one of his best characters in that series is a little boy named Bertie whose mother is an absolute nightmare, doing everything in her twisted power to make Bertie a perfect example of being a non-gender directed, male feminist genius. She takes the poor child to a psychologist, she reads child psychology endlessly, she won't let Bertie play any games which might be violent, she won't let him have his heart's desire which is a penknife, she won't let him join the Boy Scouts, she makes him take yoga and Italian, won't let him eat pizza and, insists he wears crushed strawberry-colored trousers. 

But I'm pretty sure that wearing pink flannel pants would not destroy August's boy-spirit in the least. 

Here's what we're having for supper.

Aren't those pretty greens? Isn't it wonderful that we call them "greens"? 

Those are collard greens, mustard greens, and kale. We do not say "kale greens" do we? Why not? Is it because kale is a more northernly-known vegetable? I do not know. But it may yet be proof that kale is an inferior green but that's probably just my prejudice. 

I am feeling extremely guilty that I am not going to the Woman's March in Washington. I don't even know that I'll go to the local march here. The last march I went to was for the ERA in about 1975. It was fine. I mean, I didn't suffer from anxiety then and we all walked up Apalachee Parkway to the state capitol where Alan Alda spoke and also some women and how telling is it that I don't remember who the women were. Was Bella Abzug one of them? 

God. I suck. 

Anyway, no. I am certainly not going to Washington to march although I wish I were the sort of woman who would tug my pussy hat on down over my head with determination and get on the damn bus. 

I do know that when I watch the video of the millions of women who are going to be marching not only in Washington but in cities all over this nation on Saturday, it's going to make me cry and hell, maybe I'll join the throngs here in Tallahassee. 

I don't know. 

Meanwhile, here I am, doing what I do and trying to do the best I can and I absolutely understand that in times like this, that is NOT ENOUGH. Being there in spirit is NOT ENOUGH. 

And I know that. 

Are you going? Or are you going to participate in a local march? Or...what? Anything? Everything? 

Just talking about all of this is making me anxious as hell. I am not only not 58 anymore, I am not 19 or 20 either. 

But I will say this- I am in awe of every woman and man who are going to be out on the streets that day, showing their disavowal of this man as their president. 

He's not going to be mine either, whether I march or not. 

At least that I know. 

Yours In Complete Wimpy Solidarity...Ms. Moon

One Morning In Lloyd

Woke up this morning with enough anxiety to power the Empire State Building for a day or two, could it be harnessed.
Managed to take the trash down to the trash depot and stopped across the street from there to deliver a box of Costco diapers to the water systems facility where they will be collected and delivered to local food banks by my friend Pat.
Stopped at the post office to find this which Elizabeth recommended here.

If Owen does indeed have a form of epilepsy, I want to have all of the information I can have as applies to the treatment of it with CBD. 

So, anyway, I was pulling back into my driveway when I realized that a woman was standing in it. She gestured to me and I rolled down my window.

"Can you take me to my brother's house? He lives right down the road and isn't answering his phone."

She was breathless from exertion and agitation, leaning heavily on a cane. 

"Of course," I told her. "Get in."

I took her just a short ways down the road and asked if I needed to stay to see if everything was okay."

"No. His car's here. Thank you."

And off she went and I'm sure her brother got an ear-full about not answering his phone.

Pulled all the way back into my driveway to find that one of the trucks which has been doing the trimming by the power lines was now in my yard and had delivered (as requested by Mr. Moon last night) a load of chipper mulch.

We're going to use it to fill in the parking area in the yard. They'll be delivering another load later on.

I know what I'm going to be doing today after my walk. 

Fuck anxiety. 

I have work to do.

Owen, I Wonder If You Will Remember This Day

Well, once again, life is what happened while I was busy making other plans and as I was walking (turns out I can still do it) I got a text from Lily asking if I wanted to go to Costco and maybe Japanica because Owen was not in school today due to MLK day and of course I wanted to do all of that!
Texts were shot to and from the other siblings but no one except for Lily and I were free to go and so after my walk and after Mr. Moon came home from his fishing trip, I went and picked up Lily and Owen and Maggie because Gibson was still with his True Love Lenore, his tiny elfin fairy cousin whom he is convinced he's married to no matter what we say and from whom he is loathe to be separated for any span of time.
I remembered that someone had asked me to text a picture of what I always order at Japanica which is the tofu Bento Box, either green or red curry. I took a picture of my salad (and why is that ginger dressing so damn good? I could eat it with a spoon) and my miso soup

but I swear to you- when the Bento Box got there I forgot to take a picture until I'd already eaten some but here, you can get the general idea.

Sushi, rice, tofu with whatever vegetables they feel like cooking it with (today's selection was bamboo shoots, onions, and carrots- delicious!) and a little spring roll. 

Perfection in every regard. 

Maggie helped herself to my rice and I gave her pieces of tofu and she'd already slurped quite a bit of miso soup and had some of her mama's sushi as well. Owen ate all of his salad, all of his soup, and then all of his tempura shrimp sushi. 

I swear to you, there is something addictive in the food at Japanica. We reach a point where we MUST go to dine there and any time that Owen has a day off from school, we somehow find ourselves there and are always, always happy. 

The meal ended for Owen and Maggie with free lollypops. Here is Maggie trying to steal her brother's even as she sucks on her own.

After lunch we had to go to the Goodwill bookstore where a book was purchased for Ms. Magnolia and a dinosaur book for Owen and a paperback copy of The Sorcerer's Stone. 

Then, on to Costco where we bought tomatoes and oranges and bread and pork chops and peanut butter and some other stuff. They were sampling lots of things and Owen, as he does, collected all of his to save and eat in the car as a snack because, you know, all of that sushi and soup and salad just didn't fill him up. 

He had his first basketball practice at 4:30 this afternoon and Maggie is indeed a little sick so Boppy said that he'd take Owen to practice and I brought the boy back here after we dropped off Lily and the woman baby and Owen announced that he was hungry and ate two pickled okra, some Chex Mix and the rest of the bread I'd made. 

He is a bottomless pit. 

And here is what he looked like wearing his grandfather's old Auburn uniform shirt that Boppy dug out of the closet to show him. 

Yes, his eyes were closed but he only allowed one picture so there you go. It's hard to tell due to the ridiculous height of his grandfather, but he is growing so tall so quickly. And his feet are getting so big! 

I think he was a little nervous to go and I felt bad because he told me that he wanted me to go too. 

"Why?" I asked him. 

"Because it's more fun when you come," he said. 

But besides being lazy, I knew that for his grandfather, this was a very, very special thing. Mr. Moon spent many, many years playing basketball and for him to be able to take his first grandson to his first basketball practice was precious. So I told him that he'd have plenty of fun with his Boppy and he accepted that and off they went. 

Here's a picture I got.

Boppy said it went great and although I know that Jason, especially, wishes he could have been there (he was working), I know that for Mr. Moon it was a very special thing. 

And so I got no yard-trimming done but I did replace the camellias 

and cleaned out my purse and did some laundry and figured out how to download and use a different app for getting audio books from the library because my usual app wasn't working and like a junky whose dealer is in jail and must find another, I have to have my fix of a book to listen to at all times. And I got out the sewing machine and set it up to begin working on Maggie's outfit because I finally put a measuring tape to her yesterday and instead of worrying about how big it's going to be on her, I am now worrying that it's going to be big enough. 

Leftover spaghetti and meatballs for supper tonight and salad just picked from the garden. 

The yard work will still be there tomorrow. 

The oak trees do not care one bit whether or not what lies under them is trimmed and tidy. They spread their ancient limbs over all and I think of that and gain perspective and am satisfied with the little I have done today. I am one human and have done what I could and did and that is enough for me. 

For today at least. 

Love...Ms. Moon

No Title

Good morning and hello and Mr. Moon got up at some ungodly hour to go and fish for stripers below the damn.
Not strippers. Stripers.
"Leave the fish where you found them," I told him.
Stripers are not delicious and the only way I was ever able to enjoy eating them was when our friend Anne-Helene from Norway was living with us and used to make what she called "Norwegian Fish Dish" which had ingredients like cheese and potatoes and cream as well as the fish and you could have substituted carpet samples for that fish and it would still have been delicious.

Anyway, it's a bit gloomy here today in Lloyd. I found yet another messed-up egg in the hen house this morning. My theory is that Dotty and Darla are starting to lay but have not yet matured enough to produce an egg with a shell thick enough to suffice for true egg-like properties. Mick has been showing some interest in them so I know it's time. Yesterday I saw him over by my neighbor's chickens who are all fenced in now, a lovely group of shiny, fine, fat hens. He was peering at them as if just trying to figure out how to get over that fence and have his way with them. Some birds may mate for life but chickens mate for seconds.

You can quote me on that.

I have to take a walk today. I haven't done any real walking since we were in Cozumel. It seems like every second since we've been back has been filled with one sort of activity or another, some of them important, some of them not so much, but all of them together have given me excuses not to get out there and walk my woods and fields and I need to do it for body and for soul.
Beyond that, I haven't much of an agenda. Cut new camellias to replace the ones in the hallway.
Clean out my purse. Trim up and haul away some of the dead stuff in the yard.
Etc.

I dreamed this morning that I was participating (by accident?) in some sort of reality show. It was a mess and I had no idea what I was doing but at one point, we were all gathered to get instructions and the presenter said something about us "not acting retarded."
"Excuse me!" I shouted. "That word is disrespectful to the disabled community!"
"Shut up!" said the presenter and many of my fellow participants agreed with him and I spent the rest of the dream trying to figure out how to get the hell out of there.
Also, I had lost my phone.

Well, that's life in Lloyd today.
At least in my tiny corner of it.

Oh. And this from today's Tallahassee Democrat.

Carry on.

Love...Ms. Moon

SO Many Kisses This Weekend

In the last few nights I have reported being at peace and contented.
Tonight I have to say I am happy.
For those of us who have chronic depression and anxiety, this is rather huge. Of course, we all have our moments of these three emotions, even during the bad times. But to have an entire day where we feel cheerful and fine and okay and at peace and contented and even, dare I repeat it? Happy? Well.

You want to know how it feels?

It feels amazing.

I've stayed busy all day long but it didn't feel like useless make-work to keep me moving and not dwelling on things, even though it was with all of the stuff I usually do. The laundry, cooking, sweeping, watering, hanging out with my daughter and grandkids, visiting a bit with Jessie and August and Vergil.

And hanging out with my husband, too, being silly and loving and joking with him. Looking forward to an evening of nothing more and nothing less than watching another episode of "The Crown" and eating our supper.

I told him today that I think he should take me to Mexico once a year.
"Maybe twice a year," he said.

How could I disagree with that?
I couldn't and so I just kissed him again.

It was so good to see Jessie and Vergil and August. I had meant to take a picture of that boy of course, but either I was holding him the whole time or else he was nursing and I was having such a good time with him that I forgot. Simply forgot. But trust me. He is darling. He scrunches up his little nose when he smiles and makes games of sharing his food with everyone, including Greta and laughs and laughs. I read him a book and that made him happy too. He's a delicious monkey of a boy, that one, and I bit his toes as he nursed. We talked about how reassuring it is when your baby is sick and a nursling because as they go to the breast for comfort, we know they are getting sustenance and are hydrated. He is almost well although his nose is still snotty and he was in a good mood. He was...happy.

This has been the worst year for viruses. Maggie is running a little fever again and her nose is stopped up and I suppose she now has what August is just getting over, what Jessie and Vergil have now too. I can't figure this out and I can't help but wonder if some of it is due to climate change. Is that crazy?
When I was in town (which is usually a degree or so warmer than Lloyd) I noticed that the Japanese Magnolias are in full bloom and the azaleas are opening up their buds.
So lovely but...this is January.
And the mosquitoes are already out.

I don't know. I just know that it's been a beautiful weekend with grandchildren and chores and my husband, and I kept some of the soup for our supper here tonight. I know that the grandchildren are...happy...and thriving, despite the bumps in the road and they are funny and smart and loving and all of the things we want our grandchildren to be.
I know that I love my husband as much as I've ever loved him in our lives together if not more.

And if I wake up tomorrow in the pit of despair again I will know that at least I have had these days and once again, I am grateful and I feel so very, very lucky.

I got gold rings on me, as Keith Richards always wishes upon people at his concerts when he takes his bow.
More than I deserve and more than I ever thought I'd have.
And yet...here it is, here I am.

Love...Ms. Moon

Best Boppy Ever

When I got up this morning at 9:00, Boppy was reading the paper in the kitchen and the boys were cozy in the Glen Den with the gas fire on, sipping hot cocoa with marshmallows that their grandfather had made them.
He gets the Best Boppy In The World Award.
I asked him if they slept last night.
"Some of us did," he said.

Owen totally and truly helped make the pancakes this morning. He smashed the banana and the sweet potatoes, chopped the pecans (in a chopper) and grated the apple beautifully.

He also broke the egg perfectly and mixed the batter. 

That's my boy!

While we were eating our breakfast, we played a rousing game of Animal, Mineral, or Vegetable. 

I have to tell you- Gibson Hartmann is the funniest kid in the world. And he's smart as a whip. His grandfather and I were laughing like crazy. 

Lily and Maggie came over when we were about finished eating and Maggie had some pancake and some bacon. She sucked on that bacon for about half an hour. I think she liked it. Here she is, playing the switching game. 

When we went out to collect the items from the RV, the boys insisted that Maggie had to go up into their bed and played with her like she was a puppy. I kept trying to get a picture but it was a little crowded in there. 

And so, another successful boys-spend-the-night event. I can't believe that Mr. Moon actually volunteered to camp out in that RV. The bed is not long enough for him and of course a train went by FOUR TIMES and there had to be some Gibson comforting each time. I told Lily that I would not put myself in that position for anything in the world unless the alternative was to sleep on the ground or in a car. But Mr. Moon did it. And with good cheer. They've all gone home now and it's time for me to start Jessie and Vergil's soup. 

Chop, peel, pick, simmer, season, taste. Maybe mess around a little with this cute guy.

It's a beautiful day, the camellias are busting out, the cardinals are happy at the feeder and at least one of us got a really good night's sleep. 

Happy Sunday. I mean it. 

Love...Ms. Moon

Lagniappe

Well. Let's hope that they all get some sleep.
I am thinking Boppy may need a nap tomorrow.

Love...Ms. Moon



P.S. S'Mores are sort of disgusting.

The Boys Are Here

Boppy and the boys have the RV all set up for camping in tonight and Boppy has lit the burn pile fire so they can toast marshmallows for S'Mores later on. Owen is campaigning for S'Mores AND Purple Cows but I'm against the idea, personally.

My across-the-street neighbor's oven isn't working so she came over to bake some lemon bars and she and Owen had a long discussion about Star Wars and he showed her some of his Star War figures and when she came into the kitchen where I was making meatballs for our supper, she said, "I can't believe his vocabulary."

Oh, this boy. And he was so polite to her. I heard him say, "Yes, ma'am," at least once and when she went to leave she said, "It was so good to see you, Owen," and he said, "It was really good to see you, too!"

Golly but he's growing up. He's going to be taller than me by fourth grade. At least. He helped me knead the bread dough earlier and he was pounding the hell out of the dough. He's just...he's just...so precious to me.

As is his brother.

While we were hanging out, looking at the RV, Gibson kept hugging and hugging and kissing me. "I just love you so much because you're beautiful!" he said.
"And because I'm old?" I asked.
"Yes!"
I love it when he says, "That's UNBELIEVABLE!" about something. His eyes are dark as chocolate chips and his daddy's Italian blood sure comes through with that one. As I was telling a friend of mine on the phone today, I think the kid is already growing a mustache. His upper lip can't be that dirty ALL the time. Can it?

Here he is, doing his favorite thing which is lying in Mer's bed watching videos on Mer's iPad on Kid Youtube. Did you know there's a Kid Youtube? There is and after we realized that the child had probably watched a video which was slightly inappropriate, Lily and I both downloaded the app.

Look at those eyebrows! Or, that incipient eyebrow, to be truthful. He approves of Mer's new blanket. 

And so it's been a good day. I spent some time outside picking up leaf and wood litter that the company hired by the county to trim the trees near the power lines left behind and then tidying up the front yard of downed branches and twigs. It's been so long since I did anything like that I'll probably be sore tomorrow but it'll be, as we say, the good kind of sore. And my yard looks nicer. 

Not that anyone in this whole world cares except for sort of me. 

Contented. That is how I feel. And the bread's in the oven along with sweet potatoes for tomorrow's pancakes and after the boys leave tomorrow I'm going to make soup for Jessie and Vergil. They are home and August is feeling better but his parents seem to have gotten whatever he had. 

At least we know it's viral and will go away. Eventually. 

And I've said this so many times before but isn't this what we all want? Not being sick, of course, but healthy enough to get through a virus and having enough to eat, and people who love you and whom you love back, and some outdoors to play in, some shelter to sleep in?

I think so. 

I'll report in on how the "camping" went tomorrow. 

Sweet dreams. 

Love...Ms. Moon

Saturday Morning

Although the hard freezes we got a few days ago nipped the toes of the camellias, turning the blossoms already full bloomed into sad, brown things, the buds appear to have been unharmed.
I just can't get enough of this variety and I am glad I planted two of them.

There is a metaphor here and it's so obvious that I needn't even remark on it.

But I will say that when something comes along which is entirely beautiful, gather as much of it to you as you possibly can.
And then cherish the hell out of it.

Peace

I feel at a strange sort of peace today. An almost unfamiliar feeling and whether it has come from getting through yesterday's journey which is the beginning of the real journey or whether it is the incredibly warm, springlike air or whether it is the changing of the light or whether it is the way my husband is so obviously happy at my support of his house plans or whether it's all of this and my medication too, I do not know and I do not care.
It just is. I am grateful.

I was at Lily's at 10:30 to stay with Miss Magnolia and she was so darling and sweet and funny. Her favorite thing to do is to go from one pair of arms to another, as fast as the change can be made. She reaches out her arms to me and Lily hands her over and then as soon as she is settled on my hip, she reaches out her arms to her mother and then it all starts again. But when it came time for Lily to go she was absolutely content to stay with me and we played and tickled and snuggled.
Greta, Jessie and Vergil's dog, has been staying with the Hartmann's and when I went to pee in Lily's bathroom, Greta followed me in as doggies do sometimes with Maggie following behind her and for a few seconds, Greta wanted petting as I was peeing and her tail was going back and forth with great delight, hitting Maggie right in the face with every wag. Poor Magnolia! She just stood there with an expression on her face like, "Why is this happening to me?"
She did not move but she did not cry either.
Greta, of course, had no idea she was slapping the baby with her tail. She only wanted to be loved on.
And all was well.

I packed up Maggie in the car after awhile and we drove into town and picked up Hank and met Lily and Gibson and Mr. Moon at a place for lunch and Jason got off work early and was able to join us which was so nice. And then, because Jason was able to jump in with the child care, he took Maggie to her one-year check-up (have I said lately how much I love and respect Jason and how much I admire the way he fathers his children?) and Lily took Gibson home with her and I went and did my grocery shopping and on my way home I realized that it was just exactly the time that Lily would be waiting on Owen's bus when I would be passing by. Yesterday, when we thought that I would be doing the pick-up, I had told Owen I'd be there so I pulled in beside Lily and Gibson and I visited some while we waited for the bus and I got an extra hug from my big boy.
As he got off the bus I went to greet him and I was doing a silly little dance and he said, "Mer. First off, why are you out of your car? And secondly, why are you doing that?"
That being the silly little dance, of course.
That boy. One minute he is my darling little guy, wanting my attention and affection and the next he is seven, going on seventeen, practicing being cool.

Well. This is the way of it and I have the experience and wisdom to know that and I also know that as a grandmother, I can be as silly as I want and the grandchildren just have to deal with it because they know to their bones how much I love them, plus they give me a huge break in that I am old and old people do weird, weird things. As we all know.

And so it is and I've spent the rest of the day finishing up chores that were left undone yesterday and the heater guy came and showed me the rusted out pipes of the heat exchanger which could have killed us, blowing dirty as they were, and informed me that another part is shot too and he went off, shaking his head, saying that he'd be back with the part after checking to see if it was still under warranty. I have never met a repairman who seems so depressed to give me bad news. I find myself reassuring him that it's okay, it's not his fault, and that I know he will fix it all.

And here I am, in this state of peacefulness. Tomorrow night the boys are coming to spend the night and Boppy is talking about camping with them in Scott and Yolie's van that we bought. I told him to wait and see how he feels about that tomorrow night but the boys have already gotten a hint about it and they may insist upon it. And I have bought sweet potatoes for pancakes and there is bacon but they're going to have to come into the house to eat because I ain't cooking on no propane stove in a van unless I have to.

They'll be fine with that. The TV is in the house.
And maybe we'll eat outside in the backyard because the weather is so temperate and the camellias are putting out pretty blooms again and the robins have been in the neighborhood and we shall see, won't we?

May we all be at peace, if not right now, then some time soon.
I would wish that for all of us.
You know I do.

Happy Friday, y'all.

Love...Ms. Moon

We Ate A Lot

So have you ever been to a Busy Bee rest stop?
I have discussed this before but it's worth re-mentioning. It's a gas/convenience/food/gift kind of place on the interstate and this is the bathroom. I hear it is referred to as the Stalls Mahal. No shit. Las Vegas lighting, living plants, real doors into real rooms.
No stinkin' stalls at the Busy Bee!

You can buy just about anything at the Busy Bee and we bought a few items when we stopped on our way over to Jacksonville. Honey mustard pretzels, coffee, a game of Crazy Eights, a bag of rocks.
Don't ask.
Mer was feeling loose with the money and generous with the spoiling.
I could have bought a set of china there but it wasn't in a pattern I particularly liked.

It was awesome.

So the drive was very pleasant. Owen said twice, "I'm in heaven!" as he ate his beef jerky and pretzels and listened to Harry Potter and played a game on my iPad and had my full attention for two hours. We got to Jacksonville early and found a little park right near the clinic which was just super and a perfect place to let Owen and Maggie get some ya-ya's out.

The clinic was well organized and the view from the waiting area was of the St. John's River which was extremely peaceful and pleasant. We didn't have to wait too long but the actual EEG took awhile as there was an equipment glitch at first. But it got done and we'll go back at the end of the month to speak with a neurologist.

We were all starving, despite the snackage in the car, when we left the clinic and found a nearby Mexican restaurant that wasn't too bad. We all ate too much there. Also, Maggie knocked over a cup of water and then, in solidarity, I knocked over my cup of tea.
"I bet they'll be glad when we leave," said Lily.
I bet she was right.

The drive home seemed to take longer and Owen never did fall asleep in the car. In fact, he got a sort of second wind and went a little crazy but it was okay. We stopped at the Busy Bee on our way home because we needed to pee anyway, so why not pee at the best place?

Here. I took this picture of Owen.

Yes. You can buy alligator heads at the Busy Bee. Also, back scratchers made from the feet of small alligators. I know. Disgusting. Whatever. I like the picture.

And now I'm home and absolutely exhausted and tomorrow's going to be another long day. Both Lily and Maggie have doctor appointments, both just regular check-up things, and so there will be baby-sitting and kid-picking up and more baby-sitting and it'll be fine. We might even fit lunch in there somewhere.

Owen held up like a trouper today although he said that the EEG leads on his head actually hurt (they wrapped his head in gauze to hold them in place firmly) and when he came out of that room, he came right to me and crawled up into my lap. He'd fallen asleep during part of it, and was supposed to be awake for part of it and when they woke him up, he did not want to wake up at all. He was dead tired, so that was troublesome and miserable for him but I cuddled him for a moment and then he was all right and ready to rumble.

Maggie was a good baby girl. She slept most of the way there and some of the way back and toddled around the waiting area and charmed everyone and we shared pretzels on the way back because of course WE BOUGHT MORE SNACKS AT THE BUSY BEE ON THE RETURN VISIT!

I feel like I may never eat again.

Oh wait. Mr. Moon needs some supper.

Frozen pizza for that man tonight! Let us continue the theme of processed foods!

I am very proud of my boy. He was brave and he was funny and he was happy and he was sweet. And okay, a little manic but that's what happens when you're sleep-deprived and sugar-overloaded.

We all survived and truthfully, there were some mighty fine moments in the day.

You might even say...heavenly. 

Love...Tired Old Mer

Learning, Doing, Being, Hoping, Dreaming

I've had an unusual day for me in that when the gas log repairman got here, he told me that his wife was in the truck and that she loves old houses and could she come in and see mine?
Well. Sure.
And so she did and she herself has restored and repaired a hundred year old house down in Sopchoppy and told me many stories of that and I have to say that I certainly admire her work ethic and her tenacity. She is also working on restoring a sailboat because she has always yearned to sail. A little while ago she discovered that she has some potentially serious medical issues and has decided that she wants to spend whatever time she has left making her dreams come true which she is doing with hard work and effort.
It was a good lesson for me to listen to this woman and I was glad to meet her.
It turns out that the pilot lights on every one of our gas log inserts is rusted but the repairman was able to make two of them pretty functional and he was pleasant and knowledgable and he seemed to love his wife quite a bit and so it was an interesting afternoon and a productive one in that yes, now we have at least two fireplaces to heat with and I am grateful for that.

I also cut out a pattern for an outfit for Maggie.

I'm afraid it's going to be way too big for her but it's a project and I need a project and hopefully, she won't grow so much this summer that she won't be able to wear it when it's cool again in the fall. Whatever. It felt good to lay out the cloth (soft flannel, of course) and iron out the tissue pattern and lay it down and pin it and cut it out. I used to sew so much back when my children were little and I miss that sense of accomplishment that you get from neatly sewn seams, from working with cloth and tissue paper and thread and pins and scissors and the iron to make something for someone to wear. It was good for me to have something to concentrate on because I made the mistake of listening to DT's first press conference since July and I was flattened into despair and my anxiety was lit back into a flame and there is nothing good to say about any of that except that I will probably not be listening to any more of his press conferences or speeches. I truly think that the man is not only suffering from more than one sort of mental illness but I think that he may also be exhibiting the signs of dementia. 

Not to mention that he's a complete liar, an asshole, and a bullying rich baby who has no concept of grace or empathy or manners or actually any positive attribute or abilities which could serve him in the capacity of president but that's just my opinion. 

And so I kept on moving today, from laundry room to clothesline, to chicken house to kitchen, to garden and back through it all again. 

Owen called me to tell me that he got all A's and E's on his report card again and we discussed the adventure we're going to take tomorrow, driving to Jacksonville. I told him that it was going to be my job to keep him awake and that I am thinking of taking either a knitting needle or one of those barbecue forks to poke him with if he gets sleepy. 

He was pretty sure that I was joking. 

What I am actually going to do is to begin reading the first Harry Potter book to him. I think he is old enough and if anything can keep a seven-year old boy awake, it might be Harry Potter. I will read with as much drama as possible and I hope he enjoys it because I know I will. I remember reading the first Harry Potter books to Jessie and we still talk about those times. I can't find the actual book and I think Jessie may have it but I have downloaded it on my iPad and we shall make do with that. 

Mr. Moon has gone with Lily and the children to the car repair place to have the van checked out and the oil changed so that our little journey will go smoothly tomorrow. He is such a good Boppy. Such a good man. I got these pictures. 

It appears to me that they were having entirely too much fun and perhaps too much red dye but they legislate the safety of that shit, right? 

August is with his parents down in Orlando right now where Vergil was sent on business. They are staying at some big resort hotel which the company is paying for and Jessie reports that there is something like 4.5 acres of atrium and so they have been doing some exploring. 

There's August looking at the fish in the pond and I wish I could be there to hear him say "issshhh" which is how he says fish. He is actually sick and running a fever but he appears to be having a good time anyway. 

They will be back on Friday. 

My babies. 

And tomorrow WILL be an adventure, riding to Jacksonville, sitting between my Maggie and my Owen, starting the process of hopefully finding a diagnosis and treatment. 

I realize that none of this is going to be easy but sooner started, best begun or whatever the quote is. And it seems like it's taken so long just to get started but tomorrow we will.

Love...Ms. Moon

Self-Care Comes In Many Different Forms

Yesterday when I was in town I went by Costco and bought one of those radiant space heaters that blasts warm air at you as you shop and also one of those blankets which are so soft that they may as well have been made by unnatural angel/demons weaving unnatural angel/demon fibers made of something completely unknown in nature.
When we were in Mexico, there was a blanket like that on the bed and although I have always made fun of these highly suspect blankets (what could possibly be that soft and how could it possibly be a good thing to sleep under?) I enjoyed it tremendously. And when I saw that I could buy a royal blue one for $18 I did it. Maurice and I cuddled under it all night long although this morning she has moved over to Mr. Moon's side of the bed where he sleeps under one thin flannel sheet-like thing and one thin white cotton blanket like the kind they have in hospitals.

I am not sure what happened in the cat kingdom while I was gone but somehow, Maurice has re-attained alpha cat status. Jack tried to come and sleep with us too last night but Maurice, already on the bed, let him know that he was not welcome and he slunk to the baby cradle in the corner of the room and slept there with the giant stuffed bear who spends his days there in this house of toys.

But back to the blanket- it is obscenely soft. It is so soft that I fear it is probably illegal to purchase or own one in at least twenty-four states. It is so soft that I believe that an unhappy wife, upon receiving one of these blankets, would realize that she had no need for a husband at all and the divorce rate would go up precipitously.
It is so soft that I dreamed of soft kisses.

Well. Moving on.

The gas log guy is going to come by today and see what he can to do repair the ones here which need repair. The one in the Glen Den works merrily for awhile and then begins to pop and hiss which is alarming and we rush to turn it off. I am going to stay home all day and do I am not sure what. Despite my new blanket and the soft kiss dreams, I woke up in a state of almost panic, anxiety-induced, but I took my meds and knew that I would be okay in a short while and now I am. Perhaps even a few months ago I would have felt guilty about this med-taking but I do not now. There is no reason in this world for me to be rendered non-functional by a mis-wiring in my brain when I can slowly and steadily recover from the panic to a place of acceptance and decent functioning. I am also working on doing a bit of breath meditation in my own way and I will continue that as well.

I am quite tired of suffering for no reason and of feeling as if I am unable to enjoy the beautiful and simple gifts of my life. The soft, cool air of the morning, the sleeping, blinking cat, the way Miss Butterscotch stays behind in the coop knowing that I will give her her own special sprinkle of corn, the sight of the garden which I know I will pick a delicious salad from for tonight, the glossy green magnolia leaves which hang on so jauntily through winter's cold.

I did not watch Obama's speech last night as I could not bear to say good-bye to that good man. I will watch it later via the miracle of the internet and I know I will cry. There is such unbearable pain associated with his leaving and the coming-in of what could possibly be the most insane president this country has ever elected.

Perhaps we should all go out and buy a cozy blanket. A blanket, meditation, medication, a cat, a walk, yoga, some chocolate, a martini, whatever it takes to get us through these next four years.

I think my newest mantra is "We go on."

And so we shall.

Love...Ms. Moon

Lagniappe

I have said this before and I will say it again- our trips to Mexico are in no small part responsible for the long and loving marriage I am in. That two weeks of being with my husband for every second of the day and night, allowing us to be not Mom and Dad or Mer and Bop but simply Mary and Glen has resulted in a real and profound depth to our relationship that I'm not sure we ever would have attained without them.

I laid down for a nap this afternoon and when I woke up, my husband was home from auction and he set about cleaning up and lighting the gas logs in the fireplaces of both the Glen Den and our bedroom and although they are only gas log fires, I find the flame in them so beautiful. That's the one in our room and I doubt you could actually burn a real fire in that fireplace anymore. It's been funkified over the years to the point of being a fire hazard but those old bricks and mortar hold the flames of the fake fire so beautifully and have warmed the room to a toasty level of warmth.

I am not trying to create a metaphor here. There is nothing fake about the love I have for my husband nor even for the life we live in our two weeks in paradise where neither of us lifts a finger to work of any kind.
But...sometimes you get your heat from wood you have chopped and stacked and hauled.
Sometimes you get your heat from gas that is piped into an old fireplace.
Sometimes you remember why and how you fell in love with someone when you are completely removed from the daily chores and work and care of the life you've made together through design and through serendipity and happenstance which sustains you when you return back to that life.

We shall sleep warm tonight.

Vanity, Thy Name Is...I Forget

What is this, you may ask yourself?
Well, I will tell you what it is. It's butter chicken in the hair of the funniest boy on earth. Possibly sweetest, too.

After Jessie and I got our hair cut which is always a beautiful thing because we get to visit with Melissa whom we adore with all of our hearts because although she is truly goodness and honey to the core, she is also sharp as razor blades and makes us laugh and we just want to bring her home and hang out with her all of the time and where was I? oh yeah, after that, we met Lily and Gibson and Magnolia at the Indian restaurant for lunch. Gibson loves the butter chicken and at one point Lily noted that he had butter chicken in his hair. I wiped it off with a napkin but he protested. He wanted a picture of butter chicken in his hair so he proceeded to put some more butter chicken in his hair so that I could take a picture, which of course I did because I am Mermer, the deliverer of all wishes.

Then I wiped that butter chicken off of his hair and we proceeded to eat.

So. That's not really what I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you what Gibson told me today as we were standing in line for the butter chicken.
He said, "Mer, I love you," and thinking of him asking me why I loved him the other day, I said, "WHY do you love me, Gibson?"
He looked at me so sweetly and said, "Because you look beautiful."
I was, of course, thrilled.
"I look beautiful?" I asked, my voice tremulous with emotion.
"Yes," he said, continuing to gaze at me with undiluted adoration.
"And you look old," he said.
I laughed and laughed.
"Is old beautiful?" I asked him.
"Yes!" he said, bright as a freshly minted penny.
"Well, you are young and you are beautiful too," I told him.
"I'm young," he agreed, "But I am not beautiful. I am a boy."

Of course I had to tell him that boys and men can be beautiful too and that sometimes when we say that someone is beautiful we mean that their hearts are so beautiful that they are beautiful to us and so on and so forth but damn, y'all. 
I am beautiful because I look old. And I am loved by the little boy who loves butter chicken.
And I'll take that.

I'll take that all day long.

Love...Ms. Moon

Tuesday Morning Report

Well, turns out that one of the space heaters I have just doesn't work and the other big one was doing sort of weird things with the electricity so I turned it off and the heater guy came and said we need a new heat exchanger and he ordered a new one and it will be here on Friday.
Luckily, it's supposed to start warming up today.
Oh. And the old heat exchanger was causing my unit to "blow dirty" and we all could have died from CO2 poisoning but we did not and I guess I should be thankful for this drafty old house and don't tell me that sleeping with a window cracked above my bed is a bad idea.
Thank you.

I'm off to town. Jessie and I are going to get our hair cut and then maybe lunch, who knows? and life goes on and it goes on and it's a beautiful day and my beets were delicious.

Love...Ms. Moon

Still Cold And Going To Get Colder. At Least In My House

Well, where was I?
Oh yeah. About to take a bath. Well, that didn't happen because I got a call from Mr. Moon that I needed to come to town to sign some papers which I did and then I went by Publix and then I went to Lily's to drop off the laundry and a few things I got her at the store and then I played with Maggie for a bit while Lily did a few things she needed to do.
I like to play with babies. For awhile, at least. Maggie and I played a game where we dropped a large pink ball into an inflated ring thing and then clapped and cheered with each successful ball drop and also, hide-the-beanie-baby-squirrel. All of the beany babies which I bought Jessie and Lily when they were young have made their way to Lily's house. Almost all of them, anyway. And mostly one at a time. Owen found them when he was younger and at the end of a visit would say, "Mer, can I take this home?" holding up a bluebird or a dog or a tiger and of course I would say "Yes. Yes you may."
And I got some hugs off of Gibson and when I told him, "I love you so much!" he said, "Why?"
I was taken aback. He tells me he loves me so much frequently and I've probably told him the same thousands of times.
"Because you're my only Gibson," I told him. "Because you are precious."
That seemed to suffice for an answer.

I came home and it appeared to me that it was warmer outside than it was inside. The heater has been running constantly for days and has never gotten the temperature in the house higher than 60. So, yes, I turned it off and then later I turned it back on and then a little while after that I realized that the heater, she was not on.
Oh dear.
And Mr. Moon was off to auction.
I texted him that the heater was not working.
"No fucking way!" he texted back. (When I met him, he barely cursed. Now he's almost as good at it as I am.)
"Yes, fucking way," I responded.
I had checked the gauge for the gas tank, knowing we were low but it claims we have 12% of 500 gallons so that shouldn't be the problem and the flame on the stove was working.
He called me, that husband of mine and suggested that I change out the batteries on the thermostat which I had already determined I needed to do. The thermostat has been acting a bit muley lately. So I changed the batteries and click, on came the heater and I was so happy until a few minutes later when I realized that the heater, she was not working again.
I re-changed the batteries, thinking perhaps that I'd gotten a dud there the first time around.
Same thing.
Click, on.
And then off.

Ah well. It's only supposed to get down to 36 tonight and I have two large and one small space heater and I will not freeze. Just the other day I texted Jessie and Lily and said that I couldn't imagine how the people who lived here before modern times had managed to stay warm in this house but that they had probably lit the fireplaces in a few rooms and closed the rest of the house off. There is a fireplace in every room but the kitchen but they have all been changed over to gas log heaters, most of which do not really work any more and are hard as hell to get started when they do work. We keep talking about replacing them or getting these fixed (in fact, we discussed this last night) but of course we haven't. The space heaters will keep a room or two warm enough and just like my foremothers, I shall shut off rooms and all will be well and my husband has already called Heater Guy who has already called me and he will be here around eight in the morning.
I feel certain I'll survive with all of my comforters and quilts, my space heaters and my cat.

And my Goodwill cashmere.

And so this has been my day. I am still riding a cloud of relief that Owen will be getting into the system at the pediatric neurological clinic this week. That has put everything else into perspective, including a heater which does not work which is merely an annoyance and not a tragedy.
I pulled a few beets from the garden and I am going to cook them with onions and broth and vinegar and a little sugar and eat them with my supper and I am very excited about that. Mr. Moon despises beets, which is odd in that he really isn't very picky about food at all but we all have that one thing we don't like and that's okay- more beets for me.

I had one moment of epiphany today which I will share with you- if everyone turned their clothes right-side out before putting them in the laundry, it would improve the lives of everyone who does laundry tremendously.
Okay. I didn't say it was a great epiphany. Just a small one. But a true one.

Everyone stay cozy tonight, okay?

Love...Ms. Moon

The Day Is Cold But It Is Bright

So cold today. So very, very cold.
And I am so very, very anxious.
I miss my husband being around to joke with, to hold on to when I feel as if I need holding on to but he has to be out in the world and that's all there is to it and I will be fine and I've taken my daily Ativan and that will help.
What a miracle to have that to fall back upon.

Here's another miracle- having made blog friends who can advise us on how to deal with what's going on with Owen. Elizabeth, of course, who has connected me with someone who is advising me as to neurological pediatric clinics in our area and also SJ, who works in insurance and has valuable information in that regard.
It helps so much to feel as if we have these lights in the darkness of our confusion.

We shall get help for our boy and that's all there is to it. Whatever it takes is what we will do.

Meanwhile, as I said, it is so cold. The heater in this old house just can't keep up with it and I have turned a space heater on in my bathroom and when it warms up in there some, I plan to take a hot bath to see if I can get warm. I have no place I have to be today except to take some laundry to Lily's that wasn't finished up here when they left last night.

AND...I have just gotten a call from Lily who has been able to make an appointment for Owen at Nemours pediatric neurology clinic in Jacksonville for THURSDAY! THIS Thursday! This clinic was recommended to us by the connection Elizabeth set me up with via Facebook. It's just for an EEG and although he has had several here, they like to do their own. And so- we shall begin and I am so vastly grateful and so incredibly relieved.
I will go with them for this visit. Owen has to be sleep-deprived so my job will be to keep him awake in the back seat on the way over.
I can do that.
I can do whatever it is I need to do.

Once again, I thank all of you who come here, who read here, who have offered your support in all of the ways that you have offered it. We feel blessed in your caring. We do not feel alone.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Love...Ms. Moon