So Very Many Mixed Emotions

It seems to me that my mean old sweet girl has been feeling a little better today. This morning she was still in the cradle but after I'd been up for about an hour, I lifted her out and took her outside and she went through her ablutions and walked back to the steps and spent some time looking around. When she came onto the porch, I took her into the kitchen and showed her the Temptations lickable treat she had not eaten last night and she, at first slowly, and then more enthusiastically, did indeed lick it all up. She appeared to be heading back to the cradle but instead, went back outside where she stayed for a little while before she went back to bed. 
Later on in the afternoon, I checked on her and she was on the steps to the laundry room where she likes to hang out in the sun. I'd gone to GDDG and bought her some different wet treats and food and I opened one of those up and she ate about half of it. I was so pleased. She is not interested in water though. I keep bringing her fresh water but she ignores it. 
So it's felt like she has been doing better and I am so grateful for that but even as I say that, I have no idea where she is right now. She's not out back, she's not in the cradle, she's not on our bed, she's not in the Glen Den, she's not in the library, nor is she here on the back porch with me. 
And of course the thought crosses my mind that she's gone off to be alone as cats sometimes do, as indeed our Jack did not that long ago when he was sick with kidney failure. And I hate that thought. She's probably right here in the house somewhere, just cozied up in a different place, perhaps hoping I'll leave her alone. 
I don't know. And that's the hard part. I do not know.

It's been a strange day for me overall. Lon and Lis are playing tonight in Tallahassee and I have been planning on going all week, knowing that yes, it would be very hard for me to go but that I would be so glad I did and all day long I've been incredibly anxious about that and sad that I am at this place in my life and ashamed that I can't do the simplest thing which is to go see my dearest friends play their beautiful music in a place where I know I'd see the sweetest people, because Lis and Lon's fans just ARE the sweetest people and the best people, people I haven't seen in years for the most part and I am actually good in situations like that, I really am. I can socialize well and truly. 
It is just the making myself do it that seems impossible. And I beat myself up because I can't seem to force myself to do something that would make me happy. I am, as I said, ashamed. 
Lis has told me it's all right. She understands. She knows. She gets it. 
And yet. What in hell is wrong with me? 
So I've felt almost paralyzed all day, each and every thing I've done, no matter how insignificant, has seemed overwhelming and monumental, up to and including feeding the crows. 
Which is nothing, nothing, nothing at all. 
Not the best of days. 

**************

Mr. Moon took Maggie and Levon and Jessie to a basketball game this afternoon and from what I hear, they had no problems enjoying themselves. FSU played well and the kids were excited and happy and there was pizza. Levon has been texting his grandfather about this for days now. He's been so excited. In his texts he sends emojis and memes and pictures of his favorite basketball players and it all makes Glen happy. 
After the game and he had taken Maggie home, he went to see Alan and he's not back yet. I am waiting to hear what's going on. Yesterday Alan began breathing on his own with good oxygen levels, normal blood pressure, normal temperature, had his eyes open and he appeared to be following movement. And this was two or three days after the doctor told Cathy to gather the family because it was looking like it was time. 
So I am quite interested to hear what today has brought. 

Here's a thing that has brought great tenderness to my heart today- tomorrow is the 42nd anniversary of Glen's and my marriage. 
Forty-two years. And that time has passed in the blink of an eye, in a finger snap, in the time it takes to fill a glass with sweet, cold water and drink it down when the day is hot and the work has been hard. 

I think of how young we were, even at the age of thirty. How much trust and faith we both had to have that we could make this work. He, knowing at least a little bit of how badly I was damaged and had been hurt and how very, very little trust I had in any man. Me, that woman, who had made so many bad choices when it came to men because of the hurt and the damage. 
And yet, here we are. 
He always says, "I told you." 
And me knowing that even as I said "I do," I didn't really believe him. 

Tomorrow we will celebrate quietly and privately and perhaps the Waffle House will be involved. As I said to him today, "The more I love you, the less I need any sort of present from you."

And it's true. He is the gift. 

I think I have finally and at last reached a point where I believe in his love and could not ask for one more thing. 
Except more. Please. More of this. 

***************

Alan is back on assisted breathing. 

I look up. Thank you, Ross. 

Love...Ms. Moon

P.S. Glen just came to report that he heard the sound of a cat trotting across the kitchen floor and discovered Maurice, eating her DRY FOOD! 
Hallelujah. 
I think this cat might just might make it.