A Journey Ended, A Destination Reached

Glen was in town this morning for an appointment and trying to get some things done and he called me at 11:45 to say, "Tom died."
We knew this was coming. Hell, it's been seemingly coming for years and yet, I had a tiny rush go through my body, head to toe, like a little electric shock and then that was that. 
He'd died a half hour before. They had given him morphine and so I think he probably went out and on easily and without pain. Glen had seen him a little while before he died and Tom was unconscious then and so he'd gone on to the business of his day. 

I asked Glen later on this afternoon if he was feeling anything other than relief. 
"I don't think so," he said. And neither do I. Glen has been Tom's friend for a long time, and they have done a lot of things together including buying that property on Dog Island but as he said next, "I've never felt any real emotion with Tom."
"Like affection?" I asked. 
"Yes. Affection."
Tom was not an easy person to be friends with. He was diagnosed with autism later in life and it was a relief to him because it explained, at least partially, why he was the way he was. I mean, he was thrilled to get that diagnosis. Which says a lot in and of itself. His relationships were complicated. Glen and Jim accepted him on his own terms, though, and for who he was which I see as heroic. They were both there for Tom in so many ways, right up until this very end. 

And so yes, Glen is relieved although there is still so much to do. Tom left behind a whole lot of things. Mostly things he'd salvaged and/or scavenged from the side of the road which as you know, I am not adverse to at all. But one of the main problems is, is that these things were probably not nearly as valuable as Tom thought they were and besides that, he stored them in sheds which I doubt he even opened the doors of for many, many years. The roaches and wood-destroying insects alone must have had destroyed a lot of what he had. But of course, all of this must be gone through and decisions must be made over what to do with each item whether paintings or mantel pieces. And his judgement was not always good. He gave me a painting a few years ago he'd bought at an antique mall which he was very, very proud of and was sure was an original but it was so blatantly a print and besides that, was in deep disrepair. Forgive me, but I threw it out. 

So anyway, that is that. And Glen is off to go fishing and my god, he is happy. This is such a burden taken off his shoulders. He will never, ever have to go check on Tom to see if he's still alive, fearing that he'd get there and find his body. 
There was much good about Tom. He was very intelligent, and he was loyal. I believe he may have asked me to marry him once. 
Oh god.
He brought me cool things he'd scavenged like a plant stand or a little bird bath. 
This is my favorite thing he ever brought me. He got it from the dump and really, it's one of my favorite things period.

He gave it to me when I was tending my beloved chickens and before he'd had his cancer diagnosis and his strokes. He changed after those, of course, and I need to remember that he tried a little harder before those happened and who could blame him for withdrawing into himself more than ever, for becoming even less apt to want to socialize or please others? 

Speaking of throwing things out, I got almost no more cleaning done today because once again I was too distracted by wanting to de-clutter. I have three suitcases in my car to take to Goodwill and more things in the large laundry basket where I am stashing the things I want to take to Oak Tree Treasures. I have thrown things away. I have put things in drawers that I simply do not see anymore nor have I for years and I am now ready to just see mostly clean space where they were. 
Tomorrow perhaps we shall talk about family photos. This is a biggie. 

But here are a few pictures I took this morning of an almost perfectly camouflaged katydid. 

And the funniest thing happened today. Well, funny to me. 
I had a Christmas (or Easter, who knows?) cactus that was obviously dying. I mean, it was so far gone that I had no hope for it but knowing what people always say about them which is to just stick them somewhere and forget about them, I had set this one on the deck between the house and the old kitchen in a corner and yes, completely forgotten about it.
Today, I re-found it and I laughed so hard at what it looks like now. 

Hello, happy, healthy little plant! I'm sorry I bothered you. Here, let me put you right back where you were. I promise I won't bother you again for quite awhile. 

Besides family photos, I need to discuss crows and how we've discovered to attract them just in case you want to attract crows which seems to be a thing. You do not need to prepare entire crow charcuterie boards or cook high-protein meals for them. 
Tune in tomorrow for this simple hack! 

So much to look forward to! Hoo boy! 

And I am remembering what Ross said about looking up. I don't think Tom ever admired another person in this world the way he admired Ross. So, yeah. 
Look up and just give a thought to Tom, a very complicated person who will not suffer for one more second. 

Love...Ms. Moon

More Than Pottery Today

Did I already show you this? I went back and looked at last Wednesday's post which is pottery day, and I didn't see a photo of it so maybe not. That's the leaf platter I made using a...leaf. Easiest thing I ever did which was to press the leaf into the clay and trace around the perimeter and cut it out. I did put a base of sorts on it. Looking at the picture I realize I put it on the shelf to be fired with a lot of rough spots in it that I should have taken care of before now. After it's fired, I can sand things. 
Well, technically. 

What I worked on today was my next fish bowl. I'm hoping this will be a bowl. I left it to dry on another bowl which I'm using for a mold of sorts. Come to think of it, I probably should have left it inside the mold. 
Y'all- I'm not that bright. 

Ms. Lizzie was not there today as she is off on a wild adventure with her entire family AND Gentleman Caller. It's sort of like an annual reunion. All of the pictures I've seen are beautiful and filled with smiling happy people. 
Felisha got back from her trip to France with her aunts and despite the horrible heat, she had a GREAT time. It was good to see her. 
A few other people were missing too so it was a quiet class. 
Oh. Here's the fish. 

I need to branch out a little on the fish design, don't I? I saw a fired fish that a woman I know did that was so fucking awesome and just plain art that I feel completely inadequate now and honestly, this woman has always made me feel that way. And I'm sure she certainly does not mean to. Which somehow makes it even worse.
Anyway, the fish was a barracuda and had the fiercest teeth and tail you can imagine and I was in awe. 
Here I am with my silly little whimsical fishes with eye lashes rather than teeth, all resembling each other, but that's me. I am far more whimsy than I am barracuda. 

After pottery I met up Glen and Tom's other friend for lunch. As I think I may have said, he's the financial guy. They make a good team and enjoy each other's company so that is very good. They've both known Tom forever so they definitely have that in common. After talking to him today he and I realized that we know many, many people in common, most from the old, old days in Tallahassee where he lived before he moved to Seattle and learned the business he's been in for years and before he moved to St. Augustine. He and I had to have met. That's all there is to it. He used to regularly go see my ex-husband's band and we both spent plenty of time at all the same old haunts and we were throwing names around that I haven't thought of in years. 
It was cool and yet, it was also odd. How did this man whom I have no memory of know all the people who made up my past? 
Here's another odd thing- I feel quite disconnected to Tom's dying and he is indeed dying. He's in hospice now and hasn't been cognizant for a few days. He's getting morphine because he seems to be in pain. Every time someone tries to touch or move him he groans and pulls away. This is probably the most Tom's been touched in decades. Or maybe his entire life. I don't know. But it is not making him happy now. 
I know I should be feeling more compassion or perhaps sadness or empathy or all of those things but I simply don't. He had no desire to live like this and if he had a choice, he never would. Who among us would? He can't swallow food, he can't respond to speech, and as I said, he's probably in pain. 

But today Glen and the other friend visited an attorney, had a meeting with hospice, went to the funeral home to make those arrangements, and to several banks where Tom's accounts are. They are getting it done. The other friend drove home to St. Augustine this afternoon and Glen is going fishing on Friday. 
I guess all of us sort of feel like we played the parts we needed to play in Tom's life for many years and now it's time to let him go on. 
So we sat in the Cuban restaurant I love and had soup and Cuban sandwiches and talked about the old days and about our memories of Tom and I think that was a pretty good memorial service. 

I went to Costco and I went to Publix and I went to Target where I got two more pairs of men's cargo shorts. So it was a busy day for me. Nothing compared to going to appointments with lawyers and hospice and banks and a funeral home but let's face it- that is all so far out of my lane that I can't even imagine doing any of it. 

Here's a yellow zinnia with the sun illuminating it. It was almost shimmering with its color, its life-soul. 

And of course Maurice followed me out to the garden and lazed in the pine straw right beside some volunteer Thai basil that I've just let grow up where it will. 

She rolled in the pine straw which probably felt good to her, batting and smelling the basil. 
My little orange tiger familiar. 

Jessie reported that she and Liz Sparks got to meet up today and had a good hike and a nice cold swimming hole dip and then journeyed up to Pisgah where they ate ice cream bars and looked over the mountains from the beautiful view there. 

I betcha Liz will write about it on her blog. And by the way, she was at Jessie's birth. 

Isn't it funny how things come full circle in our lives? Funny and also rather amazing. 

I think so. 

God, it's hot. 

Not too humid though!

And actually, it's only 91 degrees on the back porch where I am. Not so bad. Not so bad at all. 

Love...Ms. Moon